21 May 2005
♥ Oh, and another thing...
Okay, so I know I do an awful lot of complaining about those... Christians. And sure, some of them are pretty cool, I guess. I mean, an entire religion can't be all bad, right? Because they're everywhere! But anyway, a funny thing happened today. I saw this bumper sticker today, and it said "Jesus wasn't held to the cross with nails... he was on the cross because of love." Oh, the humanity! Where to begin? I think if Jesus were here today he would have smote them! If I were a Christian and believed that Jesus Christ walked the earth and was the son of God, I would be inclined to think that Jesus was probably painfully aware that they were, in fact, nails holding him to the cross. If you're bleeding from your hands and feet because there are nails through them, and you're wearing a loincloth and being deprived of food and water until your death (probably for several days), I think you're gonna be pretty DAMN sure it wasn't love keepin' ya up there. I mean, I would be offended if I were Jesus. (No, Torsten, you don't count as Jesus for this.) I would walk my little Christly self up to their car and make the "roll down your window, if you please" motion and say, "Excuse me, I'm Jesus. Yeah, nice to meet you too. Hey, I was noticing your bumper sticker. The one about me being on the cross. What? Oh, yeah, you're welcome. Of course it hurt, fool. Actually, that's what I'm getting at. Your bumper sticker? Uh, yeah, it's totally wrong. Trust me, it was definitely not love holding me up there, buddy. Those were some seriously not friendly nails. Not very much like love at all. I mean, with the whole Mary Magdalene thing, yeah, now that was love. What? Oh, yeah, of course it happened. Come on, just because you're Jesus Christ doesn't mean you can't fall in love. In fact, it's been said that I have the greatest capacity to love imaginable, so I think it's hilarious that you people refuse to believe I was anything but celibate. Oh, and as long as we're talking about what I actually think, I'm gonna have to ask you to please never vote Republican again. What's that? No! I'm Jesus Christ, not Steven Tyler. I don't do autographs. Hey, the light's green, you better get going. Alright, I'm gonna head back up to heaven." *Puts headphones on, messes around on iPod until Led Zep's "Stairway to Heaven" starts playing; clouds part; Jesus is beamed on up to heaven.* *Large 3846702948768426-car pileup ensues*
5/21/2005
