01 January 2006
♥ God Strikes Again, I Hate Mariah Carey, and Other New Year Observations
Call me a sheep of the liberal media, but I haven't been able to look at Dick Clark in quite the same way since I saw Bowling for Columbine. He wasn't the friendly, fatherly Clark we knew from American Bandstand when he slammed the door of his van in Michael Moore's face as he was asked questions about the treatment of minority employess in his restaurants. But we all hate to have our morals questioned, so I tried not to hold it against him. I'm not a really reasonable person, though, so I had a hard time with that.
But here's the thing: Two years after Bowling hit theatres (that's nothing on a Biblical scale, as a Creator would undoubtedly operate on a scale of billions or trillions of years), Dick Clark suffered a stroke. Now, having a stroke may seem like a coincidence, as his asshole-like behaviour hardly merited a near-death experience. But I suppose no one asked me, did they? After all, we've established that God is reverting to his wrathful Old-Testament self.
And another thing: I hate Mariah Carey. I never really liked her, but it was The Emancipation of Mimi that really did me in (Though just commercials for Glitter were enough to make me need therapy). Does she really need emancipating? (If you haven't researched the background of the crap-for-music album title, "Mimi" was a childhood nickname of Carey's.) She's got more money in her fat bank account than you or I will probably ever see in our collective lifetime.
Look what she wrote in a form letter to a fanclub that she undoubtedly began:
Dear Lambs,
So obviously my album title has leaked out way before I intended. ([Capital letters and fewer punctuation marks, please!]----> the single isn't even out yet...hello???)
Knowing that the title was very different for me and might cause some confusion, I had a whole explanation to go along with the press release which was supposed to come out in February, but basically that got foiled. <---- [This entire paragraph is unintelligible. She is so dumb.]
So here it is..."Mimi" is a very personal nickname only used by those closest to me...just one of those little things that I've kept for myself in an attempt to have some delineation <----[delineate: 1. To draw or trace the outline of; sketch out. 2. To represent pictorially; depict. 3. To depict in words or gestures; describe.] between a public persona and a private life.
By naming the album "The Emancipation of Mimi" I am letting my guard down and inviting my fans to be that much closer to me..<----[You can't tell, but these are emboldened too. Mariah - choose, one dot or three. One is a period. Three is an ellipsis. Two is an epitomization of your stupidity.] Most importantly, I am celebrating the fact that I've grown into a person & artist who no longer feels imprisoned by my insecurities or compelled to try and live up to someone else's vision of "mariah carey" <-----[What am I going to say, Mariah? Also, you need to end this sentence here. Period, please!] I now feel I can honestly say "this is me, the real me, take it or leave It " <----[Capitals Are Only Okay If Not Used For Words That Do Not Need Them.] For the first time in my life, I feel free and unashamed to be who I really am.. And that's what the music of this album and it's <----[GAH! "It's" is a contraction, "its" the possessive, you moron! I hate people who do this! It's so aggravating! *chokes on coffee*] title reflect.. <----[I hate two dots. One or three, one or three....]
As always,I love ya,appreciate ya,and I enjoy ya!!!
MC a.k.a Mimi. <----[While very little of this is grammatically incorrect, I find it irritating enough to point out to you anyway.]
First of all, "Lambs"? What the hell? Also, I've emboldened every grammatical error I've found. There may be more, but I was too enraged to keep reading.
But I don't think that's what really bothers me. It's the way she dresses. Wait, let me explain. She acts like, "Oh, I am woman, respect me, I'm emancipated." Okay, Mariah, I can dig that. I respect that somehow you manage to fool people into thinking you have talent. But what I can't respect is that Mariah Flipping Carey expects people to respect this. Or this. Or this, or this, or this. Translation: "Please stare at my enormous and undoubtedly fake breasts. No, really. Look! Here they are. I paid a lot of money for these suckers, so please look at them. I will host TV specials, I will appear across the nation and world, I will have myself photographed whenever possible, and every time I do, I will ask you to kindly stare at my gigantic chest."
So, in conclusion, I really don't have any other New Year observations. I know, I'm sorry. I mislead you. But the title was really incomplete without that addition.
But here's the thing: Two years after Bowling hit theatres (that's nothing on a Biblical scale, as a Creator would undoubtedly operate on a scale of billions or trillions of years), Dick Clark suffered a stroke. Now, having a stroke may seem like a coincidence, as his asshole-like behaviour hardly merited a near-death experience. But I suppose no one asked me, did they? After all, we've established that God is reverting to his wrathful Old-Testament self.
And another thing: I hate Mariah Carey. I never really liked her, but it was The Emancipation of Mimi that really did me in (Though just commercials for Glitter were enough to make me need therapy). Does she really need emancipating? (If you haven't researched the background of the crap-for-music album title, "Mimi" was a childhood nickname of Carey's.) She's got more money in her fat bank account than you or I will probably ever see in our collective lifetime.
Look what she wrote in a form letter to a fanclub that she undoubtedly began:
Dear Lambs,
So obviously my album title has leaked out way before I intended. ([Capital letters and fewer punctuation marks, please!]----> the single isn't even out yet...hello???)
Knowing that the title was very different for me and might cause some confusion, I had a whole explanation to go along with the press release which was supposed to come out in February, but basically that got foiled. <---- [This entire paragraph is unintelligible. She is so dumb.]
So here it is..."Mimi" is a very personal nickname only used by those closest to me...just one of those little things that I've kept for myself in an attempt to have some delineation <----[delineate: 1. To draw or trace the outline of; sketch out. 2. To represent pictorially; depict. 3. To depict in words or gestures; describe.] between a public persona and a private life.
By naming the album "The Emancipation of Mimi" I am letting my guard down and inviting my fans to be that much closer to me..<----[You can't tell, but these are emboldened too. Mariah - choose, one dot or three. One is a period. Three is an ellipsis. Two is an epitomization of your stupidity.] Most importantly, I am celebrating the fact that I've grown into a person & artist who no longer feels imprisoned by my insecurities or compelled to try and live up to someone else's vision of "mariah carey" <-----[What am I going to say, Mariah? Also, you need to end this sentence here. Period, please!] I now feel I can honestly say "this is me, the real me, take it or leave It " <----[Capitals Are Only Okay If Not Used For Words That Do Not Need Them.] For the first time in my life, I feel free and unashamed to be who I really am.. And that's what the music of this album and it's <----[GAH! "It's" is a contraction, "its" the possessive, you moron! I hate people who do this! It's so aggravating! *chokes on coffee*] title reflect.. <----[I hate two dots. One or three, one or three....]
As always,I love ya,appreciate ya,and I enjoy ya!!!
MC a.k.a Mimi. <----[While very little of this is grammatically incorrect, I find it irritating enough to point out to you anyway.]
First of all, "Lambs"? What the hell? Also, I've emboldened every grammatical error I've found. There may be more, but I was too enraged to keep reading.
But I don't think that's what really bothers me. It's the way she dresses. Wait, let me explain. She acts like, "Oh, I am woman, respect me, I'm emancipated." Okay, Mariah, I can dig that. I respect that somehow you manage to fool people into thinking you have talent. But what I can't respect is that Mariah Flipping Carey expects people to respect this. Or this. Or this, or this, or this. Translation: "Please stare at my enormous and undoubtedly fake breasts. No, really. Look! Here they are. I paid a lot of money for these suckers, so please look at them. I will host TV specials, I will appear across the nation and world, I will have myself photographed whenever possible, and every time I do, I will ask you to kindly stare at my gigantic chest."
So, in conclusion, I really don't have any other New Year observations. I know, I'm sorry. I mislead you. But the title was really incomplete without that addition.
1/01/2006
