30 April 2007
yeah, well, it's not over yet.
This is a big step, isn't it? I should be excited, but I'm scared to move on. I don't want to leave all those memories behind, because as bitter as they are now, I know that someday I'll look back and smile because I really was happy. I even feel pretty confident that someday--maybe not now, maybe not even in the near future--we'll find common ground again.
Even in the face of this new chapter in my life, I'm afraid to keep moving forward. I'm afraid to give it another shot. I'm afraid this won't help at all, and that I'll just keep being screwed up, just like I have been all along. I'm afraid he's not going to understand when it ends, I'm afraid I'm not going to be all the way there for him, I'm afraid I'll fall in love again, I'm afraid I never will, I'm afraid to feel normal again because then what if being crazy can't be my excuse anymore?
But I guess I made you a deal, didn't I? I won't let you down, mainly since that would mean letting me down too.
Even in the face of this new chapter in my life, I'm afraid to keep moving forward. I'm afraid to give it another shot. I'm afraid this won't help at all, and that I'll just keep being screwed up, just like I have been all along. I'm afraid he's not going to understand when it ends, I'm afraid I'm not going to be all the way there for him, I'm afraid I'll fall in love again, I'm afraid I never will, I'm afraid to feel normal again because then what if being crazy can't be my excuse anymore?
But I guess I made you a deal, didn't I? I won't let you down, mainly since that would mean letting me down too.
4/30/2007
28 April 2007
dear may,
You're kind of going to be the month from hell, but that might not be such a bad thing. I guess this will make summer--even with all its inevitable disappointents--seem that much rosier.
If we survive, that is.
Love,
Emma.
P.S. Do you think you could do me a favor? *whisper whisper whisper* Thanks. That would make it a little easier.
If we survive, that is.
Love,
Emma.
P.S. Do you think you could do me a favor? *whisper whisper whisper* Thanks. That would make it a little easier.
4/28/2007
25 April 2007
so... when's the part where my life starts making sense?
I've been thinking a lot lately about change. Everything changes. People change, lives change, little things, big things, things that matter, insignificant things, places change, feelings change, everything changes. There is no such thing as a constant, unless you consider change itself.
Isn't love supposed to be constant? Isn't love supposed to be timeless, eternal, unconditional? Once you love someone, haven't you committed to them? I guess you have, but there is no commitment that can't be broken. Mothers leave their children, husbands leave their wives, families split up, nations go to war, people kill each other every day. If love were so unconditional, wouldn't we all take care of each other?
If nothing else in the world is constant, how can love be? If these commitments are all so easily broken, how can we say that love shall conquer all? It can't. Love is an illusion. Sometimes you have a connection with someone, sometimes your lives collide and you spend a long time picking up the pieces together, sometimes your connection lasts a long time and really means something to you, sometimes someone leaves their mark on you so deeply that you know you will never forget them.
If love were real, how could you be in a crowded room and still feel so alone? If love were real, how could people be so cruel to each other? If love were real, how could people abandon each other? If love were real, how could war exist? If love were real, how could beauty matter so much?
I've realized that in my quest for self-fulfillment, I haven't taken on the whole triangle. It's supposed to be intellectual, physical, spiritual. Intellectual, no problem, I think most high school kids have got that one covered. Phsyical, no sweat, I hit the gym or my bike a few times a week and call it good; I'm in decent shape.
But spiritual?
I've got no idea where to begin. Of course I have friends to connect with; I'm surrounded by some of the most dynamic and amazing people in existence, as far as I'm concerned. But that doesn't quite cover it. If I don't believe in love, how can I possibly expect to find some kind of spiritual fulfillment?
I think that love is too much to ask of another person.
Isn't love supposed to be constant? Isn't love supposed to be timeless, eternal, unconditional? Once you love someone, haven't you committed to them? I guess you have, but there is no commitment that can't be broken. Mothers leave their children, husbands leave their wives, families split up, nations go to war, people kill each other every day. If love were so unconditional, wouldn't we all take care of each other?
If nothing else in the world is constant, how can love be? If these commitments are all so easily broken, how can we say that love shall conquer all? It can't. Love is an illusion. Sometimes you have a connection with someone, sometimes your lives collide and you spend a long time picking up the pieces together, sometimes your connection lasts a long time and really means something to you, sometimes someone leaves their mark on you so deeply that you know you will never forget them.
If love were real, how could you be in a crowded room and still feel so alone? If love were real, how could people be so cruel to each other? If love were real, how could people abandon each other? If love were real, how could war exist? If love were real, how could beauty matter so much?
I've realized that in my quest for self-fulfillment, I haven't taken on the whole triangle. It's supposed to be intellectual, physical, spiritual. Intellectual, no problem, I think most high school kids have got that one covered. Phsyical, no sweat, I hit the gym or my bike a few times a week and call it good; I'm in decent shape.
But spiritual?
I've got no idea where to begin. Of course I have friends to connect with; I'm surrounded by some of the most dynamic and amazing people in existence, as far as I'm concerned. But that doesn't quite cover it. If I don't believe in love, how can I possibly expect to find some kind of spiritual fulfillment?
I think that love is too much to ask of another person.
4/25/2007
fighting the fifteen.
- It's not your fault.
- Have a little class.
- Please don't ever go away.
- Don't forget the good times.
- You're charming; this is bad.
- I can't stand to see you but I can't keep away.
- I'm sorry.
- Get out of my life.
- Get out of our lives.
- I know you care. You still can't hide from me.
- I'm just not that into you.
- It's all shallow and short-lived, just like you.
- It must be the hormones talking.
- Was I really just a matter of convenience?
- It's not over yet.
4/25/2007
18 April 2007
can i tell you a secret?
When I'm feeling at a loss, I listen to Pachelbel's Cannon and let the answers come to me. Today I pictured someone I haven't before, and I'm not sure if I'm elated or if it just scares the hell out of me. I guess, as is my new outlook on life, I'll just see where it goes. I've been getting a lot of signs lately, I think, and I'm going to listen to them for once.
Let there be love.
Let there be love.
4/18/2007
17 April 2007
a small, yet tremendous victory.
I don't know if you were aware, but there is absolutely nothing more satisfying than an ex with a truly terrible haircut. Well, that's not entirely true. It takes a close second to an ex who you know is driven crazy by the idea that you're moving on. You know, one who freaks out because they realize you're not just going to wait around doting on them for four months? The one who can't stand it when someone calls them on all their pretentious bullshit?
It makes you feel like you're taking the moral high ground when someone does something so immature. Like when you say, "Hey, I don't ever want to talk to you again," so they call you and say "No, I never want to talk to you again!" and then call you lots of nasty names. Really mature. You're obviously the big sophisticated adult you try to make everyone think you are.
It's really, really satisfying to know you've truly gotten to someone. I'm probably not going to wipe this shit-eating grin off my face for a few days, either, because after all the bullshit he's put me through, I can't help feeling like I deserve it.
I guess after two months, being lead on just doesn't fucking work for me anymore. Being ignored, insulted, blown off, and generally treated like shit just doesn't cut it, you know?
I don't regret a single second of it, nothing I said, nothing I did, nothing. If I had the chance, I'd do the whole thing over again, because those honestly were some of the happiest months of my life. I miss the laughs, I miss those feelings, I miss that connection. But I've been thinking for awhile now that the person I had those things with just isn't around anymore, and whether he's coming back is still up in the air.
We all make mistakes, we all grow up, we all change, we all deserve to be forgiven once in awhile.
So you know what? I forgive him.
It's not that hard because I'm discovering that I don't need him to be happy; in fact, I really don't need anyone. I choose to surround myself with people I care about, but I'm realizing that what makes me happiest is just being me, not worrying if that's good enough for someone else.
Because it's going to be good enough for anyone who matters.
It makes you feel like you're taking the moral high ground when someone does something so immature. Like when you say, "Hey, I don't ever want to talk to you again," so they call you and say "No, I never want to talk to you again!" and then call you lots of nasty names. Really mature. You're obviously the big sophisticated adult you try to make everyone think you are.
It's really, really satisfying to know you've truly gotten to someone. I'm probably not going to wipe this shit-eating grin off my face for a few days, either, because after all the bullshit he's put me through, I can't help feeling like I deserve it.
I guess after two months, being lead on just doesn't fucking work for me anymore. Being ignored, insulted, blown off, and generally treated like shit just doesn't cut it, you know?
I don't regret a single second of it, nothing I said, nothing I did, nothing. If I had the chance, I'd do the whole thing over again, because those honestly were some of the happiest months of my life. I miss the laughs, I miss those feelings, I miss that connection. But I've been thinking for awhile now that the person I had those things with just isn't around anymore, and whether he's coming back is still up in the air.
We all make mistakes, we all grow up, we all change, we all deserve to be forgiven once in awhile.
So you know what? I forgive him.
It's not that hard because I'm discovering that I don't need him to be happy; in fact, I really don't need anyone. I choose to surround myself with people I care about, but I'm realizing that what makes me happiest is just being me, not worrying if that's good enough for someone else.
Because it's going to be good enough for anyone who matters.
4/17/2007
16 April 2007
just keep swimming, just keep swimming..
I hope you were picturing Dory for that.. I kind of feel like Disney movies are the best pick-me-up I can imagine at the moment. Well, that and tanning. But Disney is probably less cancerous. That reminds me, I really need to exfoliate.
I kind of feel like everything is imploding at the same time. School is getting even harder than it's been all semester, and now it's actually crunch time: this semester's grades are some of the last ones colleges are going to look at, and mine are pretty abysmal. With only six more weeks of school this term, plus the SAT's, the SAT 2's, two AP tests, and an I.B. test next month, I'm feeling like there's no way I can ever get pull it together in time to, in the words of the great Mr. Mehlbach, "finish strong."
Every time I walk into a class, we get hit with one more huge project. Extended essay, TOK essay, TOK presentation, English i.a., Spanish composition, yet another biology lab, Group 4 project, World Lit 2 paper, everything! As it turns out, I don't know if I'm cut out for this whole "graduating high school" thing.
And on top of that, this whole newpaper situation is starting to completely freak me out; I have no idea how we're going to handle this next year. We still haven't decided who's going to be editor-in-cheif, and after today I'm not so sure we're ready for it anyway. Being on our own was tougher than I thought, but I guess that's obvious, since we were there a full two hours after deadline.
I know I can't expect my personal life to be perfect, I mean, it's hard to keep track of all this and get along with everyone at the same time. And I guess it's not ideal; getting along with my family has been harder than ever this semester. But for the first time all semester, I feel like I'm actually getting back to normal. I'm laughing again, the little tiniest things don't ruin my day. I feel like me.
Thanks to a few fabulous old friends (and one lovely new one, who emerged from the most unexpected of people), I think getting back to normal--or, at the very least, maintaining what little sanity I have left--is going to be pretty doable.
I kind of feel like everything is imploding at the same time. School is getting even harder than it's been all semester, and now it's actually crunch time: this semester's grades are some of the last ones colleges are going to look at, and mine are pretty abysmal. With only six more weeks of school this term, plus the SAT's, the SAT 2's, two AP tests, and an I.B. test next month, I'm feeling like there's no way I can ever get pull it together in time to, in the words of the great Mr. Mehlbach, "finish strong."
Every time I walk into a class, we get hit with one more huge project. Extended essay, TOK essay, TOK presentation, English i.a., Spanish composition, yet another biology lab, Group 4 project, World Lit 2 paper, everything! As it turns out, I don't know if I'm cut out for this whole "graduating high school" thing.
And on top of that, this whole newpaper situation is starting to completely freak me out; I have no idea how we're going to handle this next year. We still haven't decided who's going to be editor-in-cheif, and after today I'm not so sure we're ready for it anyway. Being on our own was tougher than I thought, but I guess that's obvious, since we were there a full two hours after deadline.
I know I can't expect my personal life to be perfect, I mean, it's hard to keep track of all this and get along with everyone at the same time. And I guess it's not ideal; getting along with my family has been harder than ever this semester. But for the first time all semester, I feel like I'm actually getting back to normal. I'm laughing again, the little tiniest things don't ruin my day. I feel like me.
Thanks to a few fabulous old friends (and one lovely new one, who emerged from the most unexpected of people), I think getting back to normal--or, at the very least, maintaining what little sanity I have left--is going to be pretty doable.
4/16/2007
15 April 2007
fortunately, a fifteen.
1. You did realize I meant it when I said I never wanted to talk to you again, right? You weren't telling me anything new, dummy.
2. It's okay, I don't like you either. Even if it does bug me, since you don't have a reason. But still.
3. Oh, I'm sorry, do you think you could be a little more ridiculous and pathetic? Wait, no, I don't think that's even possible, unless you tell everyone we're having a passionate love affair.. OH you already did that too!
4. You are adorable. Aww.
5. Things are going to work themselve out between us, right? Because I love you madly, like none other, and plus we're so damn cute! And I miss you, also.
6. I'm glad we had that little talk. Things make more sense now.
7. What would I even do without you to keep track of me? And also, what took me so long to figure out how cool you were? I really hope this whole senate thing pans out.. I like you.
8. I know it's been said, but you are me. And I love you for it.
9. Whenever you talk to me, I feel about a thousand times cooler. Hehe. I want to be just like you!
10. I know it's not your fault, and I really don't blame you for it, not at all.. but it does make things uncomfortable for everyone, and there are people trying to help you. Maybe you could just give a little, you know? I think it will make things better for all of us in the long run.
11. I have never disliked anyone more, and as unpleasant as this feels, I think it's what I need right now. Maybe we can put this all behind us someday, and maybe not. Right now, I can't even think about it. Right now you just need to let me be mad. It's you who screwed this up, remember?
12. God, that was great. I thought it would be hard, but it was just the opposite. I wish I could do it again, actually. [This sounds like sex.. but it's not, I promise.]
13. You make me laugh. A lot. I'm glad I have you, and it's not just for when no one else is around.
14. There's something to be said for diversity. You're one of the coolest people I know, and as much as I would never have predicted this, I definitely consider you one of my closest friends. It's nice to know you would kick someone's ass for me. And I definitely think you could.
15. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. You have got to be joking. I really hope that was a joke.. then again, it's much funnier if you're serious.
2. It's okay, I don't like you either. Even if it does bug me, since you don't have a reason. But still.
3. Oh, I'm sorry, do you think you could be a little more ridiculous and pathetic? Wait, no, I don't think that's even possible, unless you tell everyone we're having a passionate love affair.. OH you already did that too!
4. You are adorable. Aww.
5. Things are going to work themselve out between us, right? Because I love you madly, like none other, and plus we're so damn cute! And I miss you, also.
6. I'm glad we had that little talk. Things make more sense now.
7. What would I even do without you to keep track of me? And also, what took me so long to figure out how cool you were? I really hope this whole senate thing pans out.. I like you.
8. I know it's been said, but you are me. And I love you for it.
9. Whenever you talk to me, I feel about a thousand times cooler. Hehe. I want to be just like you!
10. I know it's not your fault, and I really don't blame you for it, not at all.. but it does make things uncomfortable for everyone, and there are people trying to help you. Maybe you could just give a little, you know? I think it will make things better for all of us in the long run.
11. I have never disliked anyone more, and as unpleasant as this feels, I think it's what I need right now. Maybe we can put this all behind us someday, and maybe not. Right now, I can't even think about it. Right now you just need to let me be mad. It's you who screwed this up, remember?
12. God, that was great. I thought it would be hard, but it was just the opposite. I wish I could do it again, actually. [This sounds like sex.. but it's not, I promise.]
13. You make me laugh. A lot. I'm glad I have you, and it's not just for when no one else is around.
14. There's something to be said for diversity. You're one of the coolest people I know, and as much as I would never have predicted this, I definitely consider you one of my closest friends. It's nice to know you would kick someone's ass for me. And I definitely think you could.
15. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. You have got to be joking. I really hope that was a joke.. then again, it's much funnier if you're serious.
4/15/2007
14 April 2007
is it alright if that totally made my week?
Aww, that whole night was kind of fabulous, a little. Until a month or so ago, when I kind of rediscovered all these people after finally getting over myself, I'd forgotten how nice it is to be friends with nice people! It kind of makes everything more fun.
4/14/2007
12 April 2007
free at last.
It's okay to be sad, because time heals all wounds. It's okay to be mad, because that's what makes us who we are. It's okay to screw up, because anything is possible. It's okay. All of this is okay.
We're going to grow up, and we're not going to hate any of the same people we do now. We're going to find ourselves, and we're going to find each other, and we're going to find happiness, because that's what people do, eventually.
And you? Thank you for being there this morning. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to explain how much this means to me.
We're going to grow up, and we're not going to hate any of the same people we do now. We're going to find ourselves, and we're going to find each other, and we're going to find happiness, because that's what people do, eventually.
And you? Thank you for being there this morning. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to explain how much this means to me.
4/12/2007
11 April 2007
i never said i wasn't up for a challenge.
Alright, so this is a little more difficult than I thought. Contrary to my attitude about two weeks ago, though, I'm not even slightly tempted to give up. You're adorable, and I have to say I'm "warming up to the idea," too. Aww.
4/11/2007
10 April 2007
shit, son.
I’m stuck in that weird place between wanting to be mature and knowing you can’t. Hoping you can keep it together but knowing something will tear you apart. Wanting nothing more than to be a good friend but knowing you’re just going to have to fake it for awhile.
I’m stuck in that weird place where I can’t stand this whole situation, but knowing that I owe it to you [both of you] to just mind my own business and stay out of the whole thing.
I’m stuck in that weird place where I’m not sure if I will cause more damage by speaking up or by keeping my mouth shut.
So I’m just going to make this short and sweet.
To you: You’ve made me cry more times than I ever want to remember. You’re made my more miserable and happier than anyone ever has. You’ve made me feel jealousy and pride, anger and delight, irritation and compassion, sorrow and joy. I have hated you, I have loved you, and I have felt everything in between. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to let go.
And to you: You are the most dynamic person I have ever met, and the only thing that could possibly make me like you more would be if I weren’t so jealous of you. But I guess that’s to be expected—who wouldn’t want to be funnier, prettier, more talented, more like you? I have never hoped so hard to be someone’s friend, and now that I am, I couldn’t be more delighted. I’m hoping I don’t have to distance myself from you, but then again, I want nothing more than for you to be happy, and I guess we all have to make sacrifices sometimes.
Oh, and one for you: The last two months have been horrible, and I blame it almost entirely on you. The last week, however, has been fabulous; I’ve only thought about you twice. Once was on Sunday, when I got that horrible text. The other time was last night, when I thought I smelled you on that ugly old hoodie I haven’t worn since the night it happened. You still smell delicious, even if you are an asshole. But that’s the thing: you are and asshole. You are pathetic, you are a follower, you are thoughtless and cruel and uncompassionate and self-centered and arrogant and incapable of love. You used to be my hero; now I couldn’t admire you less. The last eight weeks are finally coming to a close. It’s not over, and I know it’s going to take me longer than I want it to. But I am finally falling out of love with you.
Here’s to you: You have terrible timing. I know why you’re doing this; I know I’m just another conquest for you. But he’s your friend. Do you really want to screw that up even more than you already have? Would a few weeks with me really be worth it? No, I don’t think so. You know what you want, you know what I want, you know what he wants. I want him, not you. I’m sorry for the other night, I’m sorry for encouraging it, I’m sorry for screwing things up. [I have a tendency to do that.] You don’t deserve the terrible week you’re having, yet I can’t help but remind you that karma moves in mysterious ways.
I guess you probably deserve one, too: You’re aloof, and I like it. You’re standoffish, and it drives me crazy in the best sense of the expression. You’re adorable, and I’m ecstatic. I had almost forgotten how it felt in the beginning, and now I’m remembering again. You’ve made me look forward to the two things I was dreading most in the world: prom and summer. I’m thinking that you’re different than them. I’m thinking that you’re going to be really, really good for me, whatever the outcome. I’m thinking that maybe not everyone is out to break my heart, after all.
As me [kind of], I suppose you deserve some recognition: I’m glad to have you back. I missed you for that week or two, and I hope we never do it again, even though I know we always do this time of year. Maybe it’s those pesky springtime allergies, eh? Anyway, I love you more than life itself and I can’t wait for all those plans we’ve made. I can’t wait for summer. I can’t wait for Europe. I can’t wait to be tan and basically gorgeous. I can’t wait to spend days on end with you, engaging in our usual mischief / questionably legal activities. Pretty much, I’m finally excited to be alive again.
And you.. I’ve finally come around on you: I know we’ve gotten along on and off this whole time, but you know something? I think I kinda like you. You know how I feel about public smooching, but I actually think the two of you are quite tolerable. I know I yelled at you yesterday, I know I can be a bitch sometimes, I know I scare the hell out of you, but you don’t need to worry: I approve. P.S. I love the CD you gave me today, so much in fact that I can’t guarantee you’ll ever see it again.
That said, I guess all I can do now is let things work themselves out. I finally know what I want [for the most part], but I’m learning to deal with it even when that’s not the way things work out. Whatever happens, happens, and I’m going to be strong enough to deal with it. After all, in the scheme of things, it doesn’t really change a thing. I just need to keep reminding myself to be all the things I want to be. Because for the first time in a long time, I am finally happy to be alive.
I want to be the kind of person people look up to.
I want to be beautiful again.
I want to be a brilliant writer.
I want to be trusted.
I want to be a good friend, the kind you deserve.
It's time to move on
It's time to get going
What lies ahead
I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, now
The grass is growing
It's time to move on
Time to get going
It's time to get going
What lies ahead
I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, now
The grass is growing
It's time to move on
Time to get going
4/10/2007
08 April 2007
oh yeah? well i miss your charming personality!
...not.
...not.
In the same way that he can make my day in two seconds, you can always manage to ruin it. I hadn't thought about you all weekend, and now you're forcing me to in the rudest possibly way. I can't really think of anything I could be less inclined to hear.
As irritating as it was to have you intrude on my peaceful, pleasant weekend, it made me realize something. As soon as the shock subsided, I finally had the revelation everyone had been hoping I would for the last two months:
You're pathetic.
You're not the person I was best friends with. You're not the person I fell in love with. You're not the strong-minded, well-grounded person I thought I knew, the one who never bent to peer pressure. You've become a spineless follower who does whatever your [equally pitiful] friends tell you to. You're a loser. You may be going somewhere now--your band is successful and you got that big-time internship--but you're never going to be happy if you can't maintain friendships. You think you're so cool and badass, treating your friends like shit, but you know what? People are catching on. They're going to get sick of it.
I'm sick of it. I'm done with it.
Today when I read what you said to me, I felt something I never thought I would. Actually, if it were up to me, I'd never talk to you again. No, wait, that's not entirely true. It would feel really good to tell you to how pathetic I think you are. It would feel really fabulous to say "Fuck you."
For the first time, I can honestly say that I don't want you back.
As irritating as it was to have you intrude on my peaceful, pleasant weekend, it made me realize something. As soon as the shock subsided, I finally had the revelation everyone had been hoping I would for the last two months:
You're pathetic.
You're not the person I was best friends with. You're not the person I fell in love with. You're not the strong-minded, well-grounded person I thought I knew, the one who never bent to peer pressure. You've become a spineless follower who does whatever your [equally pitiful] friends tell you to. You're a loser. You may be going somewhere now--your band is successful and you got that big-time internship--but you're never going to be happy if you can't maintain friendships. You think you're so cool and badass, treating your friends like shit, but you know what? People are catching on. They're going to get sick of it.
I'm sick of it. I'm done with it.
Today when I read what you said to me, I felt something I never thought I would. Actually, if it were up to me, I'd never talk to you again. No, wait, that's not entirely true. It would feel really good to tell you to how pathetic I think you are. It would feel really fabulous to say "Fuck you."
For the first time, I can honestly say that I don't want you back.
4/08/2007
what's the story, morning glory?
Happy Easter! I'm hoping to eat lots of delicious chocolate and see some cute baby animals today. I know it's not quite appropriate for me to celebrate Easter--what with the whole being agnostic thing and all--but I couldn't help thinking this morning that maybe spring really is a time of resurrection. For everyone.
Or at the very least, I'm thinkin I may have survived this awful winter after all.
I guess you couldn't say that the world is all new and lovely; in fact, it's covered in kind of dirty snow. But I'm excited for the next few weeks anyway.
Or at the very least, I'm thinkin I may have survived this awful winter after all.
I guess you couldn't say that the world is all new and lovely; in fact, it's covered in kind of dirty snow. But I'm excited for the next few weeks anyway.
4/08/2007
07 April 2007
a change of heart.
The whole thing seems alternately strange and lovely, unfamiliar and new, unexpected and like it couldn't possibly be happening any other way.
The fear of falling in love again--or even liking anyone, for that matter--makes me want to hide in my room and never leave the house again. Then again, thinking about him--which happens more frequently than I'd anticipated--makes me want to come out.
Figuratively speaking, of course.
I don't want things to move too fast, but I don't want to waste too much time. I don't want to come on too strong, but I don't want to miss my chance. I don't want something casual and meaningless, but I'm terrified that commitment will lead to a repeat of the last two months of my life. [Which, for the record, is the last thing in the world I need.]
Well. I guess all I can do now is wait.
I'm surprised to find myself actually thinking this, especially because a week ago I wasn't sure I ever would again. But I'm... excited.
4/07/2007
05 April 2007
what a pleasant surprise!
Tanning is actually a rather pleasant, relaxing experience. I didn't think about all the things I've been stressing over, I didn't worry about all the things I had to get done, I didn't agonize over all the day's unpleasant encounters. I just relaxed. And when it was done, I stayed busy. Busy busy busy, that's me! I think you get a lot more out of life that way.
4/05/2007
04 April 2007
today was a dodgeball day.
There are hopscotch days, and there are days when you know that you're going to be nailed with a dodgeball.
Anyway, in keeping with my new lifestyle of minimum complaining, I'm publishing a slightly whiney blog rather than burdening the friendses with my little rant:
But it wasn't quite the highlight. That, strangely enough, happened at lunch. One look from you made me forget all the things I'm stressed about, all the things I'm trying to escape from. All it took was a split second, and I felt like maybe it was all going to be okay.
It scares the hell out of me that I feel like this about someone again. It scares the hell out of me that it's getting stronger every time we talk. It scares the hell out of me that that someone, of all people, is you.
Luckily, you have absolutely no idea who you are.
Anyway, in keeping with my new lifestyle of minimum complaining, I'm publishing a slightly whiney blog rather than burdening the friendses with my little rant:
- Apparently Ms. Cheese hasn't gotten my tacky card about how much I appreciate how patient she's been (and the apple I left with it... three cheers for bribery!), because she is still mad at me, it would seem.
- I think I may have overanesthesized the fruit flies in my biology lab, because none of them are moving, let alone making little baby fruit flies for me to experiment on.
- Someone scraped my car today in the school parking lot, so one of the brake light covers is broken, the light doesn't work, and there's a fair bit of paint missing from the back bumper. They didn't bother to leave a note, which definitely sucks, but on the other hand, I've been there too. I know what it feels like to be scared in that situation. Shit happens, I guess.
- MySpace is depressing, especially when I look up the lyrics to a certain someone's profile song and discover that they're practically begging me to over-analyze them. Needless to say, I obliged, and now I'm left to agonize over whether they mean that said someone realizes how badly they've screwed up this time. There may be the fear of never falling in love, but you told me once that you were. You said you were in love. You were sure of it, or so you said. Remember? No, I guess not. It's easy for you to forget all this, isn't it? There may have been tears after losing what you thought love was, but that's the thing: you had it. [It's a good thing you'll probably never read this blog again.]
- Bizarre chemistry with former nemesis is creeping me out. Also, the possibility of humiliating rejection is somewhat daunting. Then again, I'm almost ballsy enough to just... go for it.
- Delicious Swiss chocolate has mysteriously disppeared after yesterday's visitors. How can I possibly be expected to function under conditions such as these? Well... at least we have lots of milk.
- Nasty stains are unlikely to cooperate with my efforts to remove them from beloved [white] skirt, which I wore to the best concert of my life and which therefore has ridiculously good karma associated with it. I may just have to wear it anyway, because I'm in need of some good juju at the moment.
But it wasn't quite the highlight. That, strangely enough, happened at lunch. One look from you made me forget all the things I'm stressed about, all the things I'm trying to escape from. All it took was a split second, and I felt like maybe it was all going to be okay.
It scares the hell out of me that I feel like this about someone again. It scares the hell out of me that it's getting stronger every time we talk. It scares the hell out of me that that someone, of all people, is you.
Luckily, you have absolutely no idea who you are.
4/04/2007
you have to be joking.
I was so not ready for this. It's a little ridiculous, but maybe you're exactly what I need... even if you are about to leave.
4/04/2007
03 April 2007
i don't know what took me so long, but here i am.
Mehlbach's always lecturing us on how to maintain balance in our lives. I don't always think he's brilliant, but a lot of the time I do, and I think he's right about this: we need to keep things even. We have more than enough intellectual stimulation; in fact, we're overwhelmed by it. The problem is that no one bothers with the idea of being physically active or letting ourselves be spiritual.
I know this sounds like a conversation you don't want to have with your grandmother, but think about it. I can't think of a time I feel better than when I've just been exercising; there's nothing more satisfying than being in shape. And I don't think you have to believe in God or in anything else, necessarily, to be spiritual: all you need is a sense of self. I'm not sure who I am, but I'm getting an idea of who I want to be, and after all these weeks of being miserable I'm beginning to remember what makes me happy. I don't really know what it means to be "spiritual," but I guess I can figure that out as I go.
I'm figuring out that if you stay busy, you don't have time to think about the things that bring you down. Everyone's been saying it all along, but it's hard to think about keeping busy when you don't even want to open your eyes.
But I realized that if I don't wait around, I can't be left behind.
Over and out.
I know this sounds like a conversation you don't want to have with your grandmother, but think about it. I can't think of a time I feel better than when I've just been exercising; there's nothing more satisfying than being in shape. And I don't think you have to believe in God or in anything else, necessarily, to be spiritual: all you need is a sense of self. I'm not sure who I am, but I'm getting an idea of who I want to be, and after all these weeks of being miserable I'm beginning to remember what makes me happy. I don't really know what it means to be "spiritual," but I guess I can figure that out as I go.
I'm figuring out that if you stay busy, you don't have time to think about the things that bring you down. Everyone's been saying it all along, but it's hard to think about keeping busy when you don't even want to open your eyes.
But I realized that if I don't wait around, I can't be left behind.
Over and out.
4/03/2007
01 April 2007
the standard revelation, only with less self-loathing.
I have spent the last seventeen years being influenced by other people. It's not necessarily peer pressure; it's not necessarily bad. But we all base our styles, our choices and preferences, our beliefs and desires on whatever society is up to. Some of us to it to greater and lesser degrees, but everyone does it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can't escape from the pressure. I know that. I know that the things I want aren't just going to walk up to me and ask for my number. I get that; I've spent the last two years figuring that out.
But you know what? Being independent feels really good. Talking to the people I want to talk to. Doing what I want to do. When it's just me, I feel like me again. I am me again. There are going to be good days and bad days, but today I realized something: I'm all I've got.
You were right all along; having a significant other really is overrated. When I agreed with you today in the car, I was lying. But when I thought about it, when I really sat down and thought about it, I realized that depending on someone else is exactly the opposite of what I'm trying to find. When your happiness depends on someone else, you have no control over your life. I don't even know who I am; how can I possibly expect to help someone else figure it all out? There have been people I have been willing to do it for, to make those sacrifices for, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe, for the first time in a long time, I need to take care of me. I need to put myself first. That may sound selfish, or conceited, or whatever you want to call it, but we're all looking out for number one when it comes down to it. It's time to remember what it feels like to be happy. It's time to remember what it feels like to love myself.
This is where the peer pressure thing comes in. You [all of you, everyone who's reading this... well... all two of you, eh?] used to influence me, everything I did, in one way or another. But I realize now that although my friendships with you has helped to make me who I am, it isn't all of me.
It's hard to say that I'm going to be the only one I listen to from now on; how could I possibly expect to grow if I never listened to anyone else? But I'm going to make my own choices. Whatever I do, I'm going to do it because it's what I want, not because it's what's expected of me. I'm not going to sugar-coat everything, I'm going to tell the truth. I'm not going to be friends with the "right" people; I'm not going to wear the "right" clothes, I'm not going to say or do the "right" things.
I guess finding myself is going to be a lot more fun than I'd expected.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can't escape from the pressure. I know that. I know that the things I want aren't just going to walk up to me and ask for my number. I get that; I've spent the last two years figuring that out.
But you know what? Being independent feels really good. Talking to the people I want to talk to. Doing what I want to do. When it's just me, I feel like me again. I am me again. There are going to be good days and bad days, but today I realized something: I'm all I've got.
You were right all along; having a significant other really is overrated. When I agreed with you today in the car, I was lying. But when I thought about it, when I really sat down and thought about it, I realized that depending on someone else is exactly the opposite of what I'm trying to find. When your happiness depends on someone else, you have no control over your life. I don't even know who I am; how can I possibly expect to help someone else figure it all out? There have been people I have been willing to do it for, to make those sacrifices for, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe, for the first time in a long time, I need to take care of me. I need to put myself first. That may sound selfish, or conceited, or whatever you want to call it, but we're all looking out for number one when it comes down to it. It's time to remember what it feels like to be happy. It's time to remember what it feels like to love myself.
This is where the peer pressure thing comes in. You [all of you, everyone who's reading this... well... all two of you, eh?] used to influence me, everything I did, in one way or another. But I realize now that although my friendships with you has helped to make me who I am, it isn't all of me.
It's hard to say that I'm going to be the only one I listen to from now on; how could I possibly expect to grow if I never listened to anyone else? But I'm going to make my own choices. Whatever I do, I'm going to do it because it's what I want, not because it's what's expected of me. I'm not going to sugar-coat everything, I'm going to tell the truth. I'm not going to be friends with the "right" people; I'm not going to wear the "right" clothes, I'm not going to say or do the "right" things.
I guess finding myself is going to be a lot more fun than I'd expected.
4/01/2007
