01 April 2007
the standard revelation, only with less self-loathing.
I have spent the last seventeen years being influenced by other people. It's not necessarily peer pressure; it's not necessarily bad. But we all base our styles, our choices and preferences, our beliefs and desires on whatever society is up to. Some of us to it to greater and lesser degrees, but everyone does it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can't escape from the pressure. I know that. I know that the things I want aren't just going to walk up to me and ask for my number. I get that; I've spent the last two years figuring that out.
But you know what? Being independent feels really good. Talking to the people I want to talk to. Doing what I want to do. When it's just me, I feel like me again. I am me again. There are going to be good days and bad days, but today I realized something: I'm all I've got.
You were right all along; having a significant other really is overrated. When I agreed with you today in the car, I was lying. But when I thought about it, when I really sat down and thought about it, I realized that depending on someone else is exactly the opposite of what I'm trying to find. When your happiness depends on someone else, you have no control over your life. I don't even know who I am; how can I possibly expect to help someone else figure it all out? There have been people I have been willing to do it for, to make those sacrifices for, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe, for the first time in a long time, I need to take care of me. I need to put myself first. That may sound selfish, or conceited, or whatever you want to call it, but we're all looking out for number one when it comes down to it. It's time to remember what it feels like to be happy. It's time to remember what it feels like to love myself.
This is where the peer pressure thing comes in. You [all of you, everyone who's reading this... well... all two of you, eh?] used to influence me, everything I did, in one way or another. But I realize now that although my friendships with you has helped to make me who I am, it isn't all of me.
It's hard to say that I'm going to be the only one I listen to from now on; how could I possibly expect to grow if I never listened to anyone else? But I'm going to make my own choices. Whatever I do, I'm going to do it because it's what I want, not because it's what's expected of me. I'm not going to sugar-coat everything, I'm going to tell the truth. I'm not going to be friends with the "right" people; I'm not going to wear the "right" clothes, I'm not going to say or do the "right" things.
I guess finding myself is going to be a lot more fun than I'd expected.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can't escape from the pressure. I know that. I know that the things I want aren't just going to walk up to me and ask for my number. I get that; I've spent the last two years figuring that out.
But you know what? Being independent feels really good. Talking to the people I want to talk to. Doing what I want to do. When it's just me, I feel like me again. I am me again. There are going to be good days and bad days, but today I realized something: I'm all I've got.
You were right all along; having a significant other really is overrated. When I agreed with you today in the car, I was lying. But when I thought about it, when I really sat down and thought about it, I realized that depending on someone else is exactly the opposite of what I'm trying to find. When your happiness depends on someone else, you have no control over your life. I don't even know who I am; how can I possibly expect to help someone else figure it all out? There have been people I have been willing to do it for, to make those sacrifices for, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe, for the first time in a long time, I need to take care of me. I need to put myself first. That may sound selfish, or conceited, or whatever you want to call it, but we're all looking out for number one when it comes down to it. It's time to remember what it feels like to be happy. It's time to remember what it feels like to love myself.
This is where the peer pressure thing comes in. You [all of you, everyone who's reading this... well... all two of you, eh?] used to influence me, everything I did, in one way or another. But I realize now that although my friendships with you has helped to make me who I am, it isn't all of me.
It's hard to say that I'm going to be the only one I listen to from now on; how could I possibly expect to grow if I never listened to anyone else? But I'm going to make my own choices. Whatever I do, I'm going to do it because it's what I want, not because it's what's expected of me. I'm not going to sugar-coat everything, I'm going to tell the truth. I'm not going to be friends with the "right" people; I'm not going to wear the "right" clothes, I'm not going to say or do the "right" things.
I guess finding myself is going to be a lot more fun than I'd expected.
4/01/2007
