29 July 2005
♥ The Cretin is Funny
Anna: "I'm hungry."
Emma: "Anna, we ate, like, two hours ago."
Anna: "Well, I have to eat every hour... on the hour."
Emma: "Look, here's some trail mix."
Anna: "I hate trail mix."
Emma: "No you don't; I saw you eating some last night!"
Anna: "Well I hate raisins."
Emma: "I'll give you a dollar if you eat a raisin."
Anna: [picks up raisin; examines it] "Well..."
Emma: "Well?"
Anna: "Okay..." [starts chewing raisin]
THREE MINUTES LATER...
Emma: "For Christ's sake, Anna, swallow the God damn raisin!"
Anna: "But I'm allergic to raisins!"
Cam: "No you're not!"
Sean: "You're not allergic to grapes!"
Anna: "So?"
Cam: "So raisins are dried-up grapes, stupid!"
Anna: "Well I'm allergic to dryness!"
Emma: "Anna, we ate, like, two hours ago."
Anna: "Well, I have to eat every hour... on the hour."
Emma: "Look, here's some trail mix."
Anna: "I hate trail mix."
Emma: "No you don't; I saw you eating some last night!"
Anna: "Well I hate raisins."
Emma: "I'll give you a dollar if you eat a raisin."
Anna: [picks up raisin; examines it] "Well..."
Emma: "Well?"
Anna: "Okay..." [starts chewing raisin]
THREE MINUTES LATER...
Emma: "For Christ's sake, Anna, swallow the God damn raisin!"
Anna: "But I'm allergic to raisins!"
Cam: "No you're not!"
Sean: "You're not allergic to grapes!"
Anna: "So?"
Cam: "So raisins are dried-up grapes, stupid!"
Anna: "Well I'm allergic to dryness!"
7/29/2005
28 July 2005
♥ Somehow, I always knew it would come to this...
God is pissed, let me tell you. Those little Boy Scouts have just acted up one time too many, because as you may or may not have noticed by now, they're currently experiencing His wrath. That's right. First Branden (just kidding), then pestilence, then the whole electricity fiasco (I've actually considered that this was not an act of God but rather a result of pitching a tent directly underneath a power line, but it seemed ridiculous to leave that bit out), and now heat waves that topple 300 Scouts at a time. This is pretty serious stuff. He's pissed.
Okay, so first was Branden. Ha, just kidding again. Sorry, Brand-o.
Alright, next came pestilence. There was this camp in Fort Collins, right? I'm telling ya, you kick out one leader for being gay, and God is wrathful! Actually, I haven't quite gotten around to finding out what's so all-fired infuriating, but I'm getting to it. It's on my list of things to do. Anyway, next thing you know, there's an article in the Rocky about how the place is positively overrun with barfing Boy Scouts who've apparently been infected with the... oh jeez... well, I can't seem to remember how to spell the name, and pride dictates that I not spell incorrectly for fear of being corrected by Branden. Well this paragraph is ruined now, isn't it?
Okay, onto Virginia, where four men were electrocuted as a result of attempting to pitch a tent directly underneath a power line. I guess they hired a contractor and everything in order to find a proper tent-pitching spot. Jeez, I bet that guy got "fired." (hahahaha... sorry) Actually, these weren't Boy Scouts - they were leaders who had volunteered to "pitch" (hahahahaha... okay, enough with the puns) in with the Jamboree (Isn't that what they have for the Queen, I thought? Or maybe it's just for her 80th birthday... No, that's a Jubilee.) and apparently no one taught them to stay away from electrical towers when pitching tents, because now it's a Jamboree / Memorial.
Right then, heat waves. So our dear president was scheduled to speak at said Jamboree / Memorial, but (unlike any other time in his presidency), Dubya proved that he was unable to follow through on his word, citing "bad weather" as the cause for his absence. As temperatures in Old Virginny reached the upper 90s and humidity rose to almost unprecedented levels, though, 300 little boys collapsed from heat exhaustion while waiting in three-hour lines to pass through security and see the president speak. Somehow, though, I still can't decide if it's worse to collapse from heat exhaustion or to see the current president speak.
I guess that's it. I'm not sure what the Scouts might have done to invoke such wrath, but God must be really unhappy about something, because three times definitely constitutes a phenomenon. This is pretty serious. I mean, I know this is a kind of roundabout way of saying it, but now is probably a good time to distance yourself from any friends or relatives who happen to be involved with the Boy Scouts.
8 October
UPDATE
Okay, so I still haven't figured out WHAT exactly the Scouts did to invoke the wrath of Mr. Christ (wait, I forgot, only the elder God is wrathful - my mistake), but I did realize that I forgot to include a very important bit of information that might clear a few things up.
Remember what I said about God being mad that they kicked a leader out for being gay? Well, at the time, I meant that God is intolerant of intolerance (come on, the Church is filled with hypocrites, why not God himself?), but just now I remembered something: God doesn't like gays. It's not like he's a homophobe, you realize - if he really is the almighty creator and whatknot, he invented the whole hormones bit, which would mean he understands the whole (it hurts me to say this word in any context; I feel like an elementary school sex ed. teacher) "feelings" thing.
It all begins with original sin. Which, I am well aware, is entirely un-homosexual. But think about it: God had to punish his people for disobeying him, right? So his punishment for women was pregnancy, labor, childbirth... the whole unhappiness associated with children. And for men, the punishment was trying to figure women out.
But gays and lesbians are smarter than the rest of us, because they figured out a way around it. They found a loophole in God's plan, which is why she's mad. (Did I say she? A little too much Dogma for me, perhaps...)
So God doesn't hate gays. He's not afraid of them. He doesn't think they're evil. He's just bitter because they outsmarted him.
Take that, Morman Joe.
Okay, so first was Branden. Ha, just kidding again. Sorry, Brand-o.
Alright, next came pestilence. There was this camp in Fort Collins, right? I'm telling ya, you kick out one leader for being gay, and God is wrathful! Actually, I haven't quite gotten around to finding out what's so all-fired infuriating, but I'm getting to it. It's on my list of things to do. Anyway, next thing you know, there's an article in the Rocky about how the place is positively overrun with barfing Boy Scouts who've apparently been infected with the... oh jeez... well, I can't seem to remember how to spell the name, and pride dictates that I not spell incorrectly for fear of being corrected by Branden. Well this paragraph is ruined now, isn't it?
Okay, onto Virginia, where four men were electrocuted as a result of attempting to pitch a tent directly underneath a power line. I guess they hired a contractor and everything in order to find a proper tent-pitching spot. Jeez, I bet that guy got "fired." (hahahaha... sorry) Actually, these weren't Boy Scouts - they were leaders who had volunteered to "pitch" (hahahahaha... okay, enough with the puns) in with the Jamboree (Isn't that what they have for the Queen, I thought? Or maybe it's just for her 80th birthday... No, that's a Jubilee.) and apparently no one taught them to stay away from electrical towers when pitching tents, because now it's a Jamboree / Memorial.
Right then, heat waves. So our dear president was scheduled to speak at said Jamboree / Memorial, but (unlike any other time in his presidency), Dubya proved that he was unable to follow through on his word, citing "bad weather" as the cause for his absence. As temperatures in Old Virginny reached the upper 90s and humidity rose to almost unprecedented levels, though, 300 little boys collapsed from heat exhaustion while waiting in three-hour lines to pass through security and see the president speak. Somehow, though, I still can't decide if it's worse to collapse from heat exhaustion or to see the current president speak.
I guess that's it. I'm not sure what the Scouts might have done to invoke such wrath, but God must be really unhappy about something, because three times definitely constitutes a phenomenon. This is pretty serious. I mean, I know this is a kind of roundabout way of saying it, but now is probably a good time to distance yourself from any friends or relatives who happen to be involved with the Boy Scouts.
8 October
UPDATE
Okay, so I still haven't figured out WHAT exactly the Scouts did to invoke the wrath of Mr. Christ (wait, I forgot, only the elder God is wrathful - my mistake), but I did realize that I forgot to include a very important bit of information that might clear a few things up.
Remember what I said about God being mad that they kicked a leader out for being gay? Well, at the time, I meant that God is intolerant of intolerance (come on, the Church is filled with hypocrites, why not God himself?), but just now I remembered something: God doesn't like gays. It's not like he's a homophobe, you realize - if he really is the almighty creator and whatknot, he invented the whole hormones bit, which would mean he understands the whole (it hurts me to say this word in any context; I feel like an elementary school sex ed. teacher) "feelings" thing.
It all begins with original sin. Which, I am well aware, is entirely un-homosexual. But think about it: God had to punish his people for disobeying him, right? So his punishment for women was pregnancy, labor, childbirth... the whole unhappiness associated with children. And for men, the punishment was trying to figure women out.
But gays and lesbians are smarter than the rest of us, because they figured out a way around it. They found a loophole in God's plan, which is why she's mad. (Did I say she? A little too much Dogma for me, perhaps...)
So God doesn't hate gays. He's not afraid of them. He doesn't think they're evil. He's just bitter because they outsmarted him.
Take that, Morman Joe.
7/28/2005
