14 August 2006
♥ myspace-o-ranting
I know I don't have anything new to say about MySpace. Every blog and its mother has ranted about MySpace and how much it sucks. But I just can't help myself from commenting on this latest trend of general MySpace stupidity.
There's really no way to keep little twelve-year-olds from setting up profiles if their mommies don't watch them carefully enough. I guess the only ways to keep groady internet predators from getting a little too friendly with overeager teenie boppers are to
a) do a background check on everyone who tries to set up an account,
b) make parents monitor their children, or
c) make MySpace not free.
Since none of these things are going to happen, I guess someone (probably the all-powerful Tom, whose friends list is only so gigantic because it is mandatory for all 394,867,492,769,482,796,824,986 MySpace users to have Tom as a friend) was stricken with the grand idea of allowing users to set their profiles to "private."
This, in essence, is why I hate MySpace.
What a stupid, backwards idea.
Okay, let me lay it down for you: The goal of MySpace, according to its own tagline, is to "meet people from your area in the country and keep in touch." As such, I think it is safe to conclude that MySpace is intended as a social website. The word "social" is defined, according to my good friend Merriam-Webster, as "inclined to seek out or enjoy the company of others, sociable."
Doesn't that mean that keeping your profile secret (or, even more irritatingly, publishing a blog entry under an enticing heading like "You won't believe what he finally said to me the other night" and setting it so that only you can read it) is sort of... logically challenged?
Here, then, is a list of rules for MySpace users to improve MySpace and keep it from being the bane of my existence:
It's not something I'm proud of, but yes, in fact, I have. But I've been MySpace-free for over five months now, and I know that all I can do is warn those who don't care about how much MySpace sucks.
There's really no way to keep little twelve-year-olds from setting up profiles if their mommies don't watch them carefully enough. I guess the only ways to keep groady internet predators from getting a little too friendly with overeager teenie boppers are to
a) do a background check on everyone who tries to set up an account,
b) make parents monitor their children, or
c) make MySpace not free.
Since none of these things are going to happen, I guess someone (probably the all-powerful Tom, whose friends list is only so gigantic because it is mandatory for all 394,867,492,769,482,796,824,986 MySpace users to have Tom as a friend) was stricken with the grand idea of allowing users to set their profiles to "private."
This, in essence, is why I hate MySpace.
What a stupid, backwards idea.
Okay, let me lay it down for you: The goal of MySpace, according to its own tagline, is to "meet people from your area in the country and keep in touch." As such, I think it is safe to conclude that MySpace is intended as a social website. The word "social" is defined, according to my good friend Merriam-Webster, as "inclined to seek out or enjoy the company of others, sociable."
Doesn't that mean that keeping your profile secret (or, even more irritatingly, publishing a blog entry under an enticing heading like "You won't believe what he finally said to me the other night" and setting it so that only you can read it) is sort of... logically challenged?
Here, then, is a list of rules for MySpace users to improve MySpace and keep it from being the bane of my existence:
- It's really not that difficult to protect oneself from all the lonely old hairy fat men out there. If you add strangers at their request so that you can reach your eventual goal of having 850 friends or do stupid things like publish your phone number or address, you're too inept to use MySpace. Delete your profile immediately.
- The idea behind MySpace is, obviously, to make the internet even trashier than it was to begin with. It used to be only intelligent people with something worthwhile to say could have a website. MySpace makes it so that every retard with a keyboard, a dial-up modem, and several hours of free time each day can have his very own page. (I realize how ridiculous this sounds coming from me, whose pitiful collection of angst-ridden mutterings has no more of a place in the Web than your MySpace account. My point stands.) If you don't have anything to say except "I like soccer and biology and Dashboard Confessional and I finally found a nice boy to go out with," you are too boring to use MySpace. Delete your profile immediately.
- The point of commenting on someone else'e page is simply to make yourselves look more popular. I have a really hard time believing that it is anywhere near as efficient to comment back and forth purely for the purpose of communication on some important issue (i.e., where are we going tonight) than to just pick up the phone and call someone. And come on, MySpace and AIM go together like smoking and drinking; who does one without the other? No one who should be doing either, that's who. You're online anyway, they're right there, you just want to comment on their site so they'll comment on yours and you'll look like everyone wants to talk to you all the time. If you leave comments on people's profiles that say things like "OMFG didn't you have an awesome time on Friday night? I can't believe how wasted he got. *hehe*" you are too much of a spineless slave to the social ladder to use MySpace. Delete your profile immediately.
- What would a profile be without a monument to shallowness? Of course users want to publish their photos! Maybe it's one you took in your mirror, maybe you and your friends got all prettied up and took pictures of each other, or maybe you just want to show off your new haircut. In any case, fishing for compliments is totally annoying. If your photo captions say things like "gosh I'm ugly" or "I absolutely hate this new haircut" so that all your friends will comment and say, "what are you talking about, you're sooooooo pretty!!!!!!!" you are too insecure to use MySpace. Delete your profile immediately.
- MySpace is designed to keep viewers moving. Look at some photos, see if there's anything interesting in the blog, check out what kind of music they listen to and if they have a boyfriend, and move on. The Top 8, therefore, is the most important piece of any user's profile. How many Top 8s are you on? (If you're reading my blog, probably none. Again, my point remains.) It's how they found you. In fact, I would go so far as to assert that the Top 8 is a tool of intimidation. Of course you're going to comment on her new photos, of course you're going to give her a shoutout: you don't want to lose your place in her Top 8. The pitiful number seven isn't nearly as telling as the impressive just-after-the-boyfriend-and-best-friend number three! After all, what else says "we're like this" like being someone's third best friend with a MySpace profile? It screams popularity. If you lay awake at night wondering if Jill's less-than-enthusiastic greeting after Spanish today means it's time to retire her from your Top 8 ladder, you're too much of a bully to use MySpace. Delete your profile immediately.
It's not something I'm proud of, but yes, in fact, I have. But I've been MySpace-free for over five months now, and I know that all I can do is warn those who don't care about how much MySpace sucks.
8/14/2006
