11 October 2006
♥ The DORK Solution
I'm sure I speak for the majority of LHS' student body when I say that I'm sick of Mr. Castagna's lengthy pants-related announcements. Boys should not sag. Boys should not sag. Boys should not sag. Stop sagging, boys. No one wants to see your boxers, brutha. Get a belt, boys. Boys should not sag. It's really the same damned announcement for ten minutes every morning.
In a way, though, I admire Castagna's boxer-repulsed conviction, so I've formulated a solution to this apparently sensitive issue. Here's my thought process:
Step 2: How can offenders learn their lesson if they're not warned beforehand? A simple twenty-minute addition to the morning announcement just doesn't cut it. The measure taken to warn saggers that they're about to be de-pantsed by a MOM (Menacing Organization of Mothers) is similar to the beeping encountered by a dog about to cross the boundaries set by his shock collar: nagging. A MOM approaching her target will begin nagging when she enters a five-foot radius, warning him that he needs to either pull up his threads or the approaching MOM will pull them down.
Step 3: This is where it gets really good. Repeat offenders of the DORK initiative will find that their consequences are far worse than a moment of harsh nagging or a quick thirty seconds of pants-on-the-floor. After the second de-pantsing, saggers will be escorted to the MOM headquarters (located in the teachers' lounge), where a MOM will find more appropriate school attire. I'm talking sweaters knitted by your grandma and pants up to your abnormally high belly buttons, people. It's not going to be pretty. Saggers' original clothing will be kept at MOM headquarters for the remainder of the school day, forcing offenders to walk around looking like a bundle of DORK.
See? It's pretty simple. I think after a few weeks of intensive DORKing, Mr. Castagna will find that the only announcement necessary in the morning will be one of thanks to me. So remember, kids: de-pantsing is the answer.
In a way, though, I admire Castagna's boxer-repulsed conviction, so I've formulated a solution to this apparently sensitive issue. Here's my thought process:
- Everyone knows that boys' pants are held up by a special type of "ass-magic." Because boys, traditionally, are buttless. Girls can wear slightly-too-big pants and get away with it, because girls have butts. (Actually, I'm far more offended by seeing some girl's thong hanging out of her pants than some guy's Scooby-Doo boxers.) Boys, on the other hand, depend on their God-given ass-magic to get them through the day without embarassment. The ass-magic binds the pants to the boxers at a conveniently cool level which also manages to keep pants from hanging out around the knee area. How else do you think their pants are staying up?
- The problem, then, is how to get rid of the ass-magic. Wearing longer shirts won't work, because anyone "cool" enough to channel their ass-magic doesn't want to look like they're wearing a dress. I also initially thought of flesh-colored boxers (similar to control-top pantyhose!), but I get the feeling that wouldn't find the warmest welcome with LHS' student population. What if we bought everyone belts? Then again, I don't think that's really part of the school's budget. Similarly, I have a feeling suspenders are out of the question.
- The only remaining solution, then, is a strict de-pantsing policy. We're going to have to humiliate these saggers into wearing their pants "at the proper level." Yes, there will be some embarassment. Yes, there will be some tears. Yes, there will be some calls from angry mommies. But if you can see someone's boxers, it is your duty to assist the DORK (De-pantsing Of Rebellious Kids) program. A number of steps will be taken to implement the DORK program.
Step 2: How can offenders learn their lesson if they're not warned beforehand? A simple twenty-minute addition to the morning announcement just doesn't cut it. The measure taken to warn saggers that they're about to be de-pantsed by a MOM (Menacing Organization of Mothers) is similar to the beeping encountered by a dog about to cross the boundaries set by his shock collar: nagging. A MOM approaching her target will begin nagging when she enters a five-foot radius, warning him that he needs to either pull up his threads or the approaching MOM will pull them down.
Step 3: This is where it gets really good. Repeat offenders of the DORK initiative will find that their consequences are far worse than a moment of harsh nagging or a quick thirty seconds of pants-on-the-floor. After the second de-pantsing, saggers will be escorted to the MOM headquarters (located in the teachers' lounge), where a MOM will find more appropriate school attire. I'm talking sweaters knitted by your grandma and pants up to your abnormally high belly buttons, people. It's not going to be pretty. Saggers' original clothing will be kept at MOM headquarters for the remainder of the school day, forcing offenders to walk around looking like a bundle of DORK.
See? It's pretty simple. I think after a few weeks of intensive DORKing, Mr. Castagna will find that the only announcement necessary in the morning will be one of thanks to me. So remember, kids: de-pantsing is the answer.
10/11/2006
