21 December 2006
♥ playas, ballsiness, and other random -isms
This particular entry is dedicated to a very dear friend of mine, who, for the record, I miss very much. Come home soon, okay? Until then, I'm writing about something we discussed previously.
My friend Sowmya and I don't especially like most people. We tend to agree on this point, and, excepting a few, our opinions of individuals are usually pretty similar.
Lately, we've noticed a rather disturbing trend: ballsiness, and in some cases, lack thereof. For example, we need to quit our jobs. We hate our jobs. They are not worth our time. But something is keeping us back from giving it that last little push, from just saying "you know what? I quit" and it's called no balls. (Only one more year and I can just go to Fascinations and buy us some, but until then, we're screwed, and not, in this case, literally.)
On the other hand, we've noticed that a few people are overly ballsy. We discussed it at length, and there are a lot of girls out there these days who are willing to sacrifice every last shred of dignity by throwing themselves at any single male who happens to come their way. Now, this is annoying, but we weren't wholly disturbed until we checked out a few gross MySpace pages, which prompted me to compile this handy list of no-nos for every desperate high school girl:
Dear _________,
It has come to our attention that you are something of an arrogant prick. Needless to say, we were quite offended when we heard that you, who we well know to have a girlfriend of quite some time, have attempted to seduce, by our count, upwards of six girls during the fall semester alone. Such tactics, along with being utterly brazen and ungentlemanly, are infuriating not only in that you're such a phony, but also in that by the time you got around to those at the end, you'd already used them on half a dozen other girls. Now, we realize that at your age, horniness is somewhat implicit and that there is little for you to do to hope for an escape from it. On the other hand, it's time for you to exhibit some self-control, because, as we have established, all you really have to do to stay in your girlfriend's good graces (and those of everyone else, as we're tired of you chasing us around practically with your fly open and your hand down your pants) at this point is to keep your member, which we've heard is smaller than average, in your boxer shorts. You are completely and totally insincere, and, quite frankly, we would be more than satisfied if we were never to hear from your sorry arse again.
Please relate our deepest sympathies to your poor, poor girlfriend.
Sincerely,
The Committee to Discourage Horny Losers
I think that should about do it. [How's that, Sowmie?]
My friend Sowmya and I don't especially like most people. We tend to agree on this point, and, excepting a few, our opinions of individuals are usually pretty similar.
Lately, we've noticed a rather disturbing trend: ballsiness, and in some cases, lack thereof. For example, we need to quit our jobs. We hate our jobs. They are not worth our time. But something is keeping us back from giving it that last little push, from just saying "you know what? I quit" and it's called no balls. (Only one more year and I can just go to Fascinations and buy us some, but until then, we're screwed, and not, in this case, literally.)
On the other hand, we've noticed that a few people are overly ballsy. We discussed it at length, and there are a lot of girls out there these days who are willing to sacrifice every last shred of dignity by throwing themselves at any single male who happens to come their way. Now, this is annoying, but we weren't wholly disturbed until we checked out a few gross MySpace pages, which prompted me to compile this handy list of no-nos for every desperate high school girl:
- To less than three or not to less than three? No, silly, it's not less than three! This ridiculous symbol, much like the annoying :), is beginning to pop up all over the place. (I prefer to use a nice, non-traditional :] in place of your standard :).) <--Not a happy face with a pimple and a double chin. The <3,>usually used to indicate affection directed at its recipient, is acceptable when used in moderation (i.e. to a friend when having to leave suddenly or to a significant other when not wanting to type out the more traditional, though also more cumbersome "I love you.") but should not be overdone. It's bad enough to use multiple hearts in a single message, but it's ever so much worse to use them in more than two consecutive messages. Verdict: Keep it to a minimum.
- Censorship. There's nothing less appealing than a clingy significant other. No one wants to be told what they can and can't do, or, more to a point, who they can and can't see. Then again, there will always be those lost-puppy-boyfriends who insist that they're not allowed to talk to other girls when no such rule has been put into effect. For example, boys, your female friends HATE IT when you minimize (or cover up) correspondence with them for the sake of pleasing your girlfriend. Verdict: Nothing says bitch-whipped like a guy who deletes text messages or comments from his platonic lady friends to keep his girlfriend from seeing.
- Dirty looks. Now, everyone's been in this position at least once. When you're desperately throwing yourself at a guy, nothing could possibly interfere more than his attractive female friends stopping to chat with him in the halls. Not only are they potentially prettier and more interesting than you, but they probably know him better, too. But trust me ladies, we lady friends are of little to no interest to him, and, more to the point, we don't want to date him, either. We've heard him make disgusting noises in the shower, we've heard his mother yell at him countless times, we know that his parents are cancelling his WoW account, he pees while he talks to us on the phone. We are not a threat. Verdict: Throwing nasty sideways glances to his female friends in the halls will not only not keep away potential rivals, but will also contribute to your future misery when it turns out that all his friends hate you.
Dear _________,
It has come to our attention that you are something of an arrogant prick. Needless to say, we were quite offended when we heard that you, who we well know to have a girlfriend of quite some time, have attempted to seduce, by our count, upwards of six girls during the fall semester alone. Such tactics, along with being utterly brazen and ungentlemanly, are infuriating not only in that you're such a phony, but also in that by the time you got around to those at the end, you'd already used them on half a dozen other girls. Now, we realize that at your age, horniness is somewhat implicit and that there is little for you to do to hope for an escape from it. On the other hand, it's time for you to exhibit some self-control, because, as we have established, all you really have to do to stay in your girlfriend's good graces (and those of everyone else, as we're tired of you chasing us around practically with your fly open and your hand down your pants) at this point is to keep your member, which we've heard is smaller than average, in your boxer shorts. You are completely and totally insincere, and, quite frankly, we would be more than satisfied if we were never to hear from your sorry arse again.
Please relate our deepest sympathies to your poor, poor girlfriend.
Sincerely,
The Committee to Discourage Horny Losers
I think that should about do it. [How's that, Sowmie?]
12/21/2006
