21 January 2007
♥ dating for dummies.
Well, turns out we're even weirder than I thought. In case you're ever unsure of what to do on a date, try pretending to shop for furniture at American Furniture Warehouse. Here are some tips to get you started:
That's about all the tips I can muster. I think the rest is all just stuff you're going to have to learn for yourself. Oh, and just so you know, they don't put balls in the foosball tables. Probably because of people like us.
- Don't set your sights too high. We started out with a plan to sit on every couch in the joint. Okay, well, you would not believe how many freaking couches there are. This place is HUGE. We started out sitting on every couch in the little alcove near the front, but when we got into the main warehouse, we realized that unless we were willing to stay there for several days, that was a somewhat unrealistic goal. Maybe try... all the leather couches, all the patterned couches, all the red couches (there are more than you'd think), etc. You'll have to make several trips to complete all that couch sitting. (Below: That's really more of a tiny chair than a couch. You have to be more discriminating.)
- Bring sustenance. It sounds like overkill, but it's really easy to get lost in there. I bet we walked ten miles in that place last night. You're going to get really thirsty. You might also want to bring a power bar. (Below: Hey! There's only oxygen in this pitcher... where is the WATER?!)
- Don't ask too many questions or exaggerate your shopping purposes. They catch on if you start loudly asking your shopping partner whether they think this will fit in the game room. They also don't like it if you ask if they have this couch in a darker color. (Below: "Why is there a pillow in this giant vase?" is not an appropriate question to ask your friendly AFW salespeople.)
- Leave a trail. Bread crumbs, marbles, whatever: you're not going to want to take a wrong turn. Before you leave an area of the warehouse, be sure to familiarize yourself with your surroundings, because chances are you'll be going in circles and find yourself right back where you started. Eventually you'll start using your most basic animalistic instincts--like sniffing couches to see if your scent is already there--to find your way out. (Below: AN EXIT!)
- Don't put your feet on the footrests. For some reason, even though that's what they're for, the salespeople give you dirty looks when you put your feet up. How am I even supposed to know if I want this couch if I don't know whether it's comfy? (Below: Sacking out on the beds is also frowned upon.)
- Act like you belong there. Being nervous and giggly will make them suspicious. If you talk about color schemes in the office / sitting room, they'll leave you alone. Stick to "We're just browsing now, but we'll come find you if we need help!" they think you're for real. When you start taking pictures of yourselves pretending to read the decorative books, they tend to think you're just a bunch of freaks. Who are spending a Saturday night at the furniture emporium. Wow. (Below: See? We're in here studying all the time!)
- Learn the lingo. No, that's not an "L-couch," it's a "sectional." Using words like "mauve" instead of "purple," "taupe" instead of "tan," and "steel" instead of "gray" will add to your credibility. Also, give each of your rooms really pretentious names, like "sitting room" rather than "living room," "home entertainment center" instead of "den," and "home office" rather than "study." They love stuff like that. (Below: Just call this "the master suite.")
- To touch or not to touch? Many of the desks have fake computer monitors on them, I guess to give you a feel for whether yours would look classy there. However, a few of the desks actually have real computers, and while they may seem somewhat out of place, they're actually for sales representatives to lay out floor plans for customers who are actually there to buy furniture. They don't seem to appreciate it if you sit down and start typing. They also give you funny looks when you get excited over what's on the fake TVs. (Below: This horse race sure is exciting!)
That's about all the tips I can muster. I think the rest is all just stuff you're going to have to learn for yourself. Oh, and just so you know, they don't put balls in the foosball tables. Probably because of people like us.
1/21/2007
