29 March 2007
starting over.
I sat in my room this morning and tried to do a million different things, but I couldn't seem to concentrate on any of them. I tried to read, I tried to tackle that impossible mountain of homework, I tried to put away some laundry, but I couldn't finish anything I started. I sat in my room this morning and hated everything I couldn't do.
I've had all these experiences, said and done all these things, but what do I have to show for it? I am a heartbroken peak-too-sooner with a penchant for screwing things up. I am a tired old has-been at seventeen; my wonder years have already come and gone. Abandoned by my closest friends, I have nothing left to do but let myself sink deeper and more permenantly into the despair I've created for myself, into a disease most people don't even believe is real.
The things that used to be my greatest passions are now my greatest fears. I hate the shell of a person I've become. I don't know this dull, passionless person, this person who can barely muster the strength to get out of bed every morning. It's not just one thing; it's everything. There is no beauty left here.
I have nothing left to live for, but the good news is that this isn't me. I may have lived out the best years of my life, I may have used up all the happiness I was allowed, but that's okay, because there is another person left. I am nothing now, so I will become something again.
It can't happen overnight. It can't because I can't just forget the things that have left me like this. I can't forget them because I don't want to. Those people, those experiences, those words and sideways looks and miserable nights, those things have opened my eyes; they've made me who I am. They've shaped the way I view the world, they've made me love and hate the things I do. They've shown me how to live.
I can't say I'm reinventing myself, because there is nothing left to reinvent. I am inventing myself. I will find the things that used to bring me joy and I will let myself love them again. I will rediscover the friends who have made me who I am. I will remember passion. I will be me again, whoever that is.
I've had all these experiences, said and done all these things, but what do I have to show for it? I am a heartbroken peak-too-sooner with a penchant for screwing things up. I am a tired old has-been at seventeen; my wonder years have already come and gone. Abandoned by my closest friends, I have nothing left to do but let myself sink deeper and more permenantly into the despair I've created for myself, into a disease most people don't even believe is real.
The things that used to be my greatest passions are now my greatest fears. I hate the shell of a person I've become. I don't know this dull, passionless person, this person who can barely muster the strength to get out of bed every morning. It's not just one thing; it's everything. There is no beauty left here.
I have nothing left to live for, but the good news is that this isn't me. I may have lived out the best years of my life, I may have used up all the happiness I was allowed, but that's okay, because there is another person left. I am nothing now, so I will become something again.
It can't happen overnight. It can't because I can't just forget the things that have left me like this. I can't forget them because I don't want to. Those people, those experiences, those words and sideways looks and miserable nights, those things have opened my eyes; they've made me who I am. They've shaped the way I view the world, they've made me love and hate the things I do. They've shown me how to live.
I can't say I'm reinventing myself, because there is nothing left to reinvent. I am inventing myself. I will find the things that used to bring me joy and I will let myself love them again. I will rediscover the friends who have made me who I am. I will remember passion. I will be me again, whoever that is.
3/29/2007
27 March 2007
i guess that is the question of the hour, isn't it?
3/27/2007
maybe i really do have seasonal affected disorder!
Er... you know what I mean. Anyway, I've noticed lately that my mood seems directly correlated to the weather: even though I've always loved rain, it tends to make me feel gloomy and sad, whereas on sunny days I have boundless energy and am relentlessly cheerful.
Rain used to make me want to curl up next to the window with a good book or go outside and dance in the street. Now I try to ignore it, because it makes me long for the summer afternoons I know aren't going to bring what I want. Afternoon thunder showers always bring thoughts of summer, and as much as I want it more than [almost] anything else in the world, I can't help but wonder what disappointments it's going to bring as well.
But here's what makes me think maybe I'm not a complete basket case: rainbows. Yesterday I was driving in the rain, and when it let up, there was a rainbow. I'm not usually taken in by sappy shit like this, but it wasn't just your standard half a rainbow, it was the whole thing, and you could see all the colors (the little nerdy voice in my head kept going "ROYGBIV! You can see all of them!"), and the sun was shining from behind the clouds, and I couldn't help but smile a little.
Because maybe, even though the sun can't seem to outshine the clouds right now, even though my entire life seems to be getting drenched, there is a little hope for me. Maybe if I can just ride out this storm, there is a rainbow at the end. Maybe things really are going to get better.
Rain used to make me want to curl up next to the window with a good book or go outside and dance in the street. Now I try to ignore it, because it makes me long for the summer afternoons I know aren't going to bring what I want. Afternoon thunder showers always bring thoughts of summer, and as much as I want it more than [almost] anything else in the world, I can't help but wonder what disappointments it's going to bring as well.
But here's what makes me think maybe I'm not a complete basket case: rainbows. Yesterday I was driving in the rain, and when it let up, there was a rainbow. I'm not usually taken in by sappy shit like this, but it wasn't just your standard half a rainbow, it was the whole thing, and you could see all the colors (the little nerdy voice in my head kept going "ROYGBIV! You can see all of them!"), and the sun was shining from behind the clouds, and I couldn't help but smile a little.
Because maybe, even though the sun can't seem to outshine the clouds right now, even though my entire life seems to be getting drenched, there is a little hope for me. Maybe if I can just ride out this storm, there is a rainbow at the end. Maybe things really are going to get better.
3/27/2007
26 March 2007
oh, so very, very red.
I was beginning to think I wouldn't find a prom dress, but I did. It is red. It is redder than the very reddest red you could ever imagine, which is exactly what I wanted. Mmm. Red red red. And I don't even really look... top-heavy in it. It's exactly right. So prom is looking up at the moment, except for the few things that I can't stop dreading but am trying not to think about. I have a date, a dress, etc.
And I like my new shrink, also, so that's good.
There are a few things that aren't really looking up, but I can deal with those. I miss Allison, for one, but I suppose that can be easily remedied. I miss someone else, too, but I get the feeling that's not going to get any better until... the end of the summer, which seems like a long time from now.
I guess that's what happens to people when they're... involved. I don't like it, but I guess I have to find some way to deal with it. I feel abandoned, and I don't feel like I should have to replace her, but I guess I do. I don't want to, but I need someone, and I guess I know who that person isn't going to be. [Not because I don't want her to.]
Anyway. This was angsty. Out.
And I like my new shrink, also, so that's good.
There are a few things that aren't really looking up, but I can deal with those. I miss Allison, for one, but I suppose that can be easily remedied. I miss someone else, too, but I get the feeling that's not going to get any better until... the end of the summer, which seems like a long time from now.
I guess that's what happens to people when they're... involved. I don't like it, but I guess I have to find some way to deal with it. I feel abandoned, and I don't feel like I should have to replace her, but I guess I do. I don't want to, but I need someone, and I guess I know who that person isn't going to be. [Not because I don't want her to.]
Anyway. This was angsty. Out.
3/26/2007
24 March 2007
great mysteries of the universe.
It probably won't surprise you to know that being home sick for three days in a row leaves you a lot of time to sit and contemplate. Of course, the one thing that kept trying to creep into my head was the one thing I wanted to think about the least, so I ended up watching a lot of movies and falling asleep at a lot of inopportune moments, the timing of which seemed to instill in my brain a few of the world's most inexplicable situations, which I've chosen to share with you, dear readers, in this particular entry.
There's the wind
and the rain
and the mercy
of the fallen
[and the beauty of the rain
is in the way that it falls]
- How is it possible that Ms. Tucker knows every I.B. student by first name? It's impossible that everyone has been in to visit her; most people are afraid to even come within a 10-foot radius of the I.B. office without moral support, and anyway, one visit isn't enough to recognize someone explicitly, especially when you consider that (hopefully) people aren't wearing the same clothes every time they talk to her.
- Why do we buy toasters? Toast is actually just really really dry bread. Toasting your bread is the same thing as just leaving it on the counter for a few weeks, minus the possibility of mold or other infestations. If you want to save money, just leave your toast out for awhile. The only downside to not having a toaster is you have to know several days in advance when you're going to want your next piece of toast.
- How can boys be so wondrously, inexplicably stupid?
- When did Rick become a genuinely friendly, pleasant, enjoyable person? Why did this happen? (Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I like new Rick.)
- How is it that after all this time, even after it's been proven that all their music literally sounds exactly the same, people still try to insist that U2 is somehow groundbreaking? No, Bono does not care what happens to a lot of little starving African orphans. Well, maybe he does, but he's also sure to get his smug face in all those photos: it's not like the publicity doesn't matter. And anyway, I don't think they've ever recorded anything worth listening to.
- That no matter how many times a friend has hurt you, let you down, disappointed you, lied, made you feel like shit, ignored you, whatever, there is nothing more painful than losing one. That there are some people we keep coming back to no matter how many times they blow us off. We all have someone like that, and they don't deserve us, and the great mystery of the universe is that whether they deserve us means absolutely nothing, because we love them anyway.
- Where does lint come from?
- That no matter how many times they swear it won't happen, girls always end up becoming that thing we always say we hate: girls whose boyfriends are their only friends. Girls who leave their best friends when their boyfriends call. Girls who don't call their best friends back. Girls who never have time for their friends because their boyfriend wants to hang out. Girls who just don't need their friends anymore.
- That it is impossible not to be cheered up when listening to Ben Folds.
There's the wind
and the rain
and the mercy
of the fallen
[and the beauty of the rain
is in the way that it falls]
3/24/2007
23 March 2007
♥ one month and counting.
one month and counting.
Nothing can wash your sorrows away like standing in the rain and letting it just take over.
When it rains like this, I can't help but think of summer, the one thing that never lets me down. Summer is when we're all at our best, when beauty is everywhere, when nothing can break us.
It's impossible not to get what you want in the summer. Ready, go.
3/23/2007
22 March 2007
♥ question:
3/22/2007
♥ i guess nothing easy is worth doing, right?
i guess nothing easy is worth doing, right?
Well, I guess this is it. I know you never read this anymore, but I'm okay with that. Even if you'll never see it, even if you'll never realize it's true, I have to get it out there.
You always said you didn't deserve me, and about a month ago, I would have agreed with you. You didn't. But it wasn't always like that. In the beginning, when you were still my best friend, you did. We deserved each other. We were perfect for each other. And then something happened, and I don't know what it was, but it changed you. And you are not the same person. You are not the person I fell in love with.
Something happened to you along the way. You've been hurt and let down and disappointed so many times that you've figured out it's you or the rest of the world, it's you or me, and you're always looking out for number one. Commitment is too much for you because you don't even know how to be yourself anymore.
So now what? All you can do is push away the people who matter most to you, the people you matter most to. The people who love you. The people who would do anything for you. All you can do is surround yourself with people who don't really know you, because they're not scary. You're not in too deep with them. They don't know your secrets, they don't know your fears, they don't know your dreams. Those people aren't scary because they can't get under your skin.
You feel relieved now, but someday you're going to feel lonely, because the only people who ever really knew, who ever really cared, are going to be gone. I wish I could say I couldn't wait until the day you're heartbroken and alone, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I guess that's my problem: I just care too god damn much.
If I could bring them back, I would. If I could make it stop hurting, I would. If I could make her understand, I would. If I could make you stop missing it, I would. If I could make you stop thinking you had to, I would. I would do anything for you, but I can't. You have to go it alone, because that's what you do. I couldn't respect you more, and I hope it all turns out exactly how you want it to in the end.
I wish I could tell you I wouldn't be here waiting, that I wouldn't pick up the phone, that I'd have found something better, but that couldn't be further from the truth either. Friends or... whatever we are, I've loved you more than anything in the world, and that has to count for something. I'll be here when you're ready to talk.
I used to think I was weak, and then I met you. For better or for worse, you've made me into the strongest person I know, and I'm not going to give up that easily.
3/22/2007
21 March 2007
♥ facing the fifteen.
facing the fifteen.
1. When he calls, you always choose him. You don't even cover it up or pretend like it's something else. It's just... you choose him over me. Every time. I don't like it already.
2. I can't even find words to describe how much I hate you. Maybe it's not your fault, or maybe it is, but you took away the one thing in my life that ever meant anything and I hate you for it. And you know what the worst part is? I thought you were my friend.
3. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure out how cool you are, because now that I know, I feel like I've been missing out. Thanks for making this all seem so much better.
4. Thanks for stealing my best friend. Maybe if you weren't so neurotic all the time and could deal with your own problems for once, this would be a little easier on all of us.
5. It's okay. I know.
6. You're the only one who's just been... normal through all of this. Thank you.
7. I don't think you have any idea how much I need this right now. I've already fallen a lot harder than is healthy, and I don't see myself slowing down anytime soon. I'm not sure yet how bad this is.
8. I know you feel like you've lost a friend, but don't forget you've got plenty more. We're rad.
9. I don't think you give yourself enough credit for how cool you are. You're prettier than you think, too.
10. When you say things like that, it makes me want to pull away. If you'd just give me a little space, a little breathing room, I'd have a much easier time with all of this.
11. You certainly seem to lead a relatively drama-free existence... what's your secret?
12. I could never forget how much I miss you, but after talking to you today, it seems almost unbearable. I wish you were coming back for more than just a few days. I wish you were still here. Come home, ok?
13. Buck up, alright? We all have tough days, and you're niftier than you're giving yourself credit for. I hate to admit it after all these years, but I'm actually kind of fond of you. Don't spread it.
14. You are the coolest thing ever. I'm seriously going to steal you and hang out with you ALL the time. You can be my groovy best friend. We can call each other Betty and Al. Why do I have a Simon and Garfunkel song in my head.
15. Wow. You're stronger than I thought. Way to go.
3/21/2007
♥ i definitely didn't see this one coming.
i definitely didn't see this one coming.
Why are you doing this now, just when I thought everything was going to be okay? I hope you know I can't do this to myself, not anymore. I can't think about you and her. I can't think about how much I miss you. I can't think about all the amazing times I had with you. I can't think about how you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't think about how much I wish things had worked out.
I can't think about how I've lost my best friend.
This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.
3/21/2007
19 March 2007
♥ i don't care if monday's blue
i don't care if monday's blue
[Name that song.]
...I think I'm going to be sick.
3/19/2007
14 March 2007
♥ two weeks' notice.
two weeks' notice.
Too bad it's ten months too late.
3/14/2007
♥ it's the little things, i guess.
it's the little things, i guess.
When I got home from school today, there were flowers on my nightstand. I can't really tell you how much it made my day.
3/14/2007
11 March 2007
♥ everyone thinks i'm losing it.
everyone thinks i'm losing it.
And you know what the worst part is? I'm beginning to think they're right.
3/11/2007
08 March 2007
♥ bohemian like you.
bohemian like you.
It's a really good thing there is so much amazing music in my life, because I don't know what I would do without it.
3/08/2007
06 March 2007
♥ hello, beautiful.
hello, beautiful.
Her name is Charlotte. Um... this might be the coolest thing I've ever done.
3/06/2007
♥ and just when i thought i had a plan!
and just when i thought i had a plan!
Whoops, I relapsed.
3/06/2007
03 March 2007
♥ this weekend is lame so far.
this weekend is lame so far.
- Gigantic, skin-exposing hole in my favorite jeans has grown to epic proportions. Now the majority of my ass is exposed, rendering them completely and utterly unwearable.
- We're out of peanut butter. According to the Sandwich Laws of Deliciousness, the following should be true:
If peanut butter + jelly = delicious and peanut butter + banana = delicious,
then banana + jelly = delicious.
then banana + jelly = delicious.
Unfortunately, this rule is dismally untrue.
- Nasty cough causes me to sound as though I'm hacking up a lung when attractive grad student calls to chat with me about summer internships.
- Snazzy mail from National American Miss pageant makes me feel as though someone, somewhere has finally recognized my pageant potential, until Torsten calls me to complain that he's received the same invitation.
- Necessity to do laundry has progressed to the point where I'm stuck with playful turtle underwear, which hasn't been cool since the 6th grade.
- While my favorite columnist, W. Bruce Cameron, is writing stupid columns about moving (it's not even funny this week), archenemy Marty Meitus insists on writing an extra-long piece about how picky her teenager is. Really clever and original, Marty. I'm glad the Post is wasting their ink on you.
- Grouchy neighbors insist on telling parents what time I actually got home when they weren't here last Thursday, despite friendly note and enticing chocolate chip cookies left on their doorstep this morning. See if I ever bake for them again.
3/03/2007
01 March 2007
♥ fabulously fifteen.
fabulously fifteen.
It's going to feel good when I can finally just get mad.
1. You'll probably never realize how lucky you were. It's too bad, because you could have stayed that way for a long time.
2. I'm kind of surprised it turned into this, actually, because I thought I was just being shallow! Maybe there's more to you than I thought.
3. We're going to have more fun (or at least I am) than anyone has in a long time. This is going to be somewhat fabulous, actually.
4. I can't believe you're seriously going to put up with this! I hope it pays off in the end.
5. You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.
6. Fleeting attraction doesn't mean full-fledged affair. You both need to get over it.
7. I'd be a lot happier about the whole situation if it weren't so muddled. Actually, I'd be a lot happier with it if it didn't exist.
8. We all want what we can't have. This whole thing would be a lot easier (on all of us) if you'd play hard-to-get every now and then.
9. You, on the other hand, can stop playing hard to get.
10. What the hell is wrong with you?
11. I hope you go with her.
12. You make everything worth it, and I'm so glad you're my best friends.
13. It's a little alarming how easily you can make my day. This could be more than I bargained for.
14. Like it or not, heartbreak looks good on you. And he's noticing.
15. It's time to grow up. It's not all about you anymore; you've already dragged me down with you.
3/01/2007
♥ and for the first time in a long time,
and for the first time in a long time,
I'm figuring out that all I need is a lot of good music, and maybe a few good friends. I guess this is going to turn out okay after all.
Tomorrow's going to suck, but at least time has started moving again. I miss summer.
I've been waiting all this time to be
something I can't define.
something I can't define.
3/01/2007
