22 March 2007
♥ i guess nothing easy is worth doing, right?
i guess nothing easy is worth doing, right?
Well, I guess this is it. I know you never read this anymore, but I'm okay with that. Even if you'll never see it, even if you'll never realize it's true, I have to get it out there.
You always said you didn't deserve me, and about a month ago, I would have agreed with you. You didn't. But it wasn't always like that. In the beginning, when you were still my best friend, you did. We deserved each other. We were perfect for each other. And then something happened, and I don't know what it was, but it changed you. And you are not the same person. You are not the person I fell in love with.
Something happened to you along the way. You've been hurt and let down and disappointed so many times that you've figured out it's you or the rest of the world, it's you or me, and you're always looking out for number one. Commitment is too much for you because you don't even know how to be yourself anymore.
So now what? All you can do is push away the people who matter most to you, the people you matter most to. The people who love you. The people who would do anything for you. All you can do is surround yourself with people who don't really know you, because they're not scary. You're not in too deep with them. They don't know your secrets, they don't know your fears, they don't know your dreams. Those people aren't scary because they can't get under your skin.
You feel relieved now, but someday you're going to feel lonely, because the only people who ever really knew, who ever really cared, are going to be gone. I wish I could say I couldn't wait until the day you're heartbroken and alone, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I guess that's my problem: I just care too god damn much.
If I could bring them back, I would. If I could make it stop hurting, I would. If I could make her understand, I would. If I could make you stop missing it, I would. If I could make you stop thinking you had to, I would. I would do anything for you, but I can't. You have to go it alone, because that's what you do. I couldn't respect you more, and I hope it all turns out exactly how you want it to in the end.
I wish I could tell you I wouldn't be here waiting, that I wouldn't pick up the phone, that I'd have found something better, but that couldn't be further from the truth either. Friends or... whatever we are, I've loved you more than anything in the world, and that has to count for something. I'll be here when you're ready to talk.
I used to think I was weak, and then I met you. For better or for worse, you've made me into the strongest person I know, and I'm not going to give up that easily.
3/22/2007
