31 May 2007
♥ and it's off to the other side of the world for me...
Hopefully something [positively] life-changing will occur. Short of that, at least I'll take a lot of fabulous photos. Have a lovely 11 days; I'll miss you all while I'm gone.
Especially you, Miss Boyd.
Especially you, Miss Boyd.
5/31/2007
29 May 2007
♥ burn, baby, burn!
I guess it wasn't technically a "bonfire," really just Kelsey's dad's little fire pit on the back porch. And we didn't do it all that ceremoniously, we mostly just handed the boys a box of old history notes and told them not to burn the house down, which they almost did. [Note to self: Do not allow college boys to play with lighter fluid, especially when Connor's amp is sitting about 6 feet away from the fire.]
But when the sun went down and it got cold outside, everyone else went in and there I was, sitting between my two very best friends in the whole world, and we were ready to burn our dirty little secrets, our insecurities, our heartbreak, our disappointment, all the things that have been bringing us down.
I burned a letter to the one person I hate more than anyone else in the world, the one person who's made me more miserable, who's made me cry more times, who's left me feeling awful about myself more often than anyone else. It felt good to watch his name burn up, to watch the old photos of us warp and shrivel, to feel like I was finally ridding myself of him. He called to apologize yesterday, you know. If this hadn't happened a million times before I might almost be able to believe him.
I burned a letter to myself. I want to move past all those things I've let myself believe, all those awful ideas I've developed about myself. I want to be me again, to be able to stop worrying what everyone else [someone in particular] thinks of me.
And I burned a list. It's a list of things I want to forget. A few standards--doubt, insecurity, constant worry, and the like--and a lot of words that seem really small for how big they are to me.
We cried together because we're afraid to move on, but we know we have to. I'm really, really lucky to have the best friends ever invented.
But when the sun went down and it got cold outside, everyone else went in and there I was, sitting between my two very best friends in the whole world, and we were ready to burn our dirty little secrets, our insecurities, our heartbreak, our disappointment, all the things that have been bringing us down.
I burned a letter to the one person I hate more than anyone else in the world, the one person who's made me more miserable, who's made me cry more times, who's left me feeling awful about myself more often than anyone else. It felt good to watch his name burn up, to watch the old photos of us warp and shrivel, to feel like I was finally ridding myself of him. He called to apologize yesterday, you know. If this hadn't happened a million times before I might almost be able to believe him.
I burned a letter to myself. I want to move past all those things I've let myself believe, all those awful ideas I've developed about myself. I want to be me again, to be able to stop worrying what everyone else [someone in particular] thinks of me.
And I burned a list. It's a list of things I want to forget. A few standards--doubt, insecurity, constant worry, and the like--and a lot of words that seem really small for how big they are to me.
We cried together because we're afraid to move on, but we know we have to. I'm really, really lucky to have the best friends ever invented.
5/29/2007
28 May 2007
♥ ow! ow ow ow. owwwww.
So um... running a 10K without training AT ALL really takes it out of you. Um. Ow.
5/28/2007
27 May 2007
♥ this is it for now, i swear.
I think the bonfire tomorrow is going to be exactly the kind of closure I need. Also, it's going to feel really, really fabulous to watch that burning. Haha, you stupid asshole. You're going to have a lonely 11 days in Europe, aren't you?
5/27/2007
♥ dear kohl's,
Man, I freaking love you. You never let me down.
Love,
Emma
Love,
Emma
5/27/2007
♥ actually, i think i could really get used to this.
I'm definitely enjoying the single life. It's good to let my friends be my top priority without having to feel guilty all the time. In some ways, I think it would be nice to do the whole "commitment" thing again, but at the same time, I know I couldn't be there, like really there, for someone in that way right now. With friends it's one thing, but with a significant other you're on a whole new level, and I know I'm just not ready for that again yet.
Until this summer, I spent so much time worrying about how I was going to fix my own problems that I started to neglect the people I care about the most. I feel terrible about it, and I'm never going to let it happen again.
The last few days have been a little (and by a little, I mean very much so) crazy, and they've made me realize a few things. I guess I feel like I've lost a few friends, one old one and another much newer one, which feels terrible, and I can't help but wonder what would've happened under different circumstances. Then again, I've gained (and regained) a few friends recently as well; whether as a result of loneliness or reconciliation, I'm feeling great about the fact that I'm spending time with some of the people I've really missed.
So I've made a New Year's resolution. I guess it's not exactly New Year's, but a new school year starts next fall, and even though it's still high school, I feel like it represesnts a new chapter of my life. Between the new school and all the other changes we've dealt with lately, I feel like next year is going to be the start of something big, and I'm convinced it's going to be the best yet.
The whole best-year-so-far thing starts this summer. Come what may, I'm going to focus on the friends who have helped me get this far, the new friends I've made, the people who make me laugh and feel happy and who I have a good time with. I'm going to stay away from the people who bring me down, who say awful things, who are pathetic and vindictive and cruel.
I'm not going to let anything ruin this summer. Thanks to my BFFs.
Until this summer, I spent so much time worrying about how I was going to fix my own problems that I started to neglect the people I care about the most. I feel terrible about it, and I'm never going to let it happen again.
The last few days have been a little (and by a little, I mean very much so) crazy, and they've made me realize a few things. I guess I feel like I've lost a few friends, one old one and another much newer one, which feels terrible, and I can't help but wonder what would've happened under different circumstances. Then again, I've gained (and regained) a few friends recently as well; whether as a result of loneliness or reconciliation, I'm feeling great about the fact that I'm spending time with some of the people I've really missed.
So I've made a New Year's resolution. I guess it's not exactly New Year's, but a new school year starts next fall, and even though it's still high school, I feel like it represesnts a new chapter of my life. Between the new school and all the other changes we've dealt with lately, I feel like next year is going to be the start of something big, and I'm convinced it's going to be the best yet.
The whole best-year-so-far thing starts this summer. Come what may, I'm going to focus on the friends who have helped me get this far, the new friends I've made, the people who make me laugh and feel happy and who I have a good time with. I'm going to stay away from the people who bring me down, who say awful things, who are pathetic and vindictive and cruel.
I'm not going to let anything ruin this summer. Thanks to my BFFs.
5/27/2007
25 May 2007
when all else fails,
I have some of the best friends in the world to catch me when I fall. I hope they'll let me do the same for them, because having them there the last few months has meant more to me than anything else ever has. Well, except for maybe one thing. But I guess that's another story.
5/25/2007
24 May 2007
a new outlook.
On the first day of the last week of school, Mr. Castagna wrote a note on one of the pillars in senior hall telling the seniors to write on the tiles and the windows of the hallway, leaving behind memories of LHS.
Someone wrote this:
It was just by luck that we noticed it; we happened to be in the hallway after the IB Psych test when there was no one else around. I didn't think much of it at first, but then it struck me: maybe the best is yet to be. Maybe all these things in my past, all these things that have been bringing me down, maybe they weren't the best things that are ever going to happen to me. Maybe I've got something really amazing to look forward to.
I guess this contemplative frenzy started at the end of the school year went we toured the new building. It's beautiful, state-of-the-art, fabulous. I'm excited to be nerdy and call the library TL2, I'm psyched for the latte bar, and I'm positively ecstatic to finally be a senior. Next year has all the makings of amazingness: the video announcements (with yours truly as one of the anchors!) are going to be untouchable in their awesomeness, I'm finally going to be editor-in-cheif, some of the people who have made my life miserable for the last few months are FINALLY going to be gone, and I have some of the best friends I could ever hope for.
But as I move on to this new chapter of my life, I can't help but feel a little wistful about those ugly orange hallways. I have three years of memories in that building, and countless other people make up another six decades of ups and downs. LHS has housed some of the greatest and some of the most notorious. People fell in love, they had their hearts broken, they met people they would know for the rest of their lives, they learned about life and love and friendship and all the things that really matter.
That building doesn't exist anymore; it's just a pile of rubble. Those trees in senior courtyard that we spent so many countless hours studying (and, more importantly, not studying) under are gone, senior hall is gone, locker 2680 is gone, the debate room is gone, Ms. Cheese's room is gone, it's all been reduced to a bunch of dirt and bricks.
I know it sounds cliche, but the memories made in that building live on. They still exist. They still helped to make us who we are today. I'm know I'm going to feel a little sad next year when we don't have any of those things, but I guess that's been the paradigm of this year for me: change.
My best friend moved to California. I said goodbye to a beloved pet. I drifted away from someone I'd been friends with for two years. I coped with a disease most people don't understand. I sat in a shrink's office for the first time. I made amends with someone I'd hated from day one. I listened to new music. I made new friends. I lost someone I loved more deeply than I ever thought possible.
Some of it has been awful; I never knew anything could hurt as much as heartbreak. Then again, some of it has been amazing; I ended up with the best friend I could ever ask for.
In the last two days, I've felt more vindicated, more ready to be myself than ever before. I reconciled with a friend I've been missing. It's not going to be perfect right away, and I know it's going to be awhile before we're as close as we used to be, but it's a step in the right direction and I couldn't be more pleased about it.
I also realized that the one person who's been doing his best to ruin my life doesn't really matter at all. Rather than letting these awful things he says make me feel terrible about myself, I should just be feeling sorry for him; he's lonely, he's hurt, he feels rejected and angry. I still can't look in the mirror without hearing his voice telling me how repulsive I am. But the longer I go without him in my life, the better I feel, the less I feel the need to reconcile. Maybe someday he'll grow up, but until then, I'm perfectly happy to have a life without him in it.
In the last two days, I've made friends and lost friends and rediscovered friends, and I didn't know it could all happen so quickly. It's been painful and it's felt great. It's made me miserable and it's made me happier than I've been in weeks. It's a mixed bag.
I guess that's life. There are ups and downs. There are people to get you through it, and when they're not around, we have to learn to love ourselves. We have to learn that it doesn't really matter all that much what anyone else thinks; what really matters is who we are, who we want to be. Anyone who tells you otherwise--anyone who tries to bring you down or hold you back--doesn't deserve to be your friend anyway.
So here I am, raw and unpolished, having forgotten all the things that make me myself. I'm on my own; I'm ready to rebuild. I think this summer--even with all those rough spots I see on the horizon--is going to be good for me, after all.
Someone wrote this:
It was just by luck that we noticed it; we happened to be in the hallway after the IB Psych test when there was no one else around. I didn't think much of it at first, but then it struck me: maybe the best is yet to be. Maybe all these things in my past, all these things that have been bringing me down, maybe they weren't the best things that are ever going to happen to me. Maybe I've got something really amazing to look forward to.
I guess this contemplative frenzy started at the end of the school year went we toured the new building. It's beautiful, state-of-the-art, fabulous. I'm excited to be nerdy and call the library TL2, I'm psyched for the latte bar, and I'm positively ecstatic to finally be a senior. Next year has all the makings of amazingness: the video announcements (with yours truly as one of the anchors!) are going to be untouchable in their awesomeness, I'm finally going to be editor-in-cheif, some of the people who have made my life miserable for the last few months are FINALLY going to be gone, and I have some of the best friends I could ever hope for.
But as I move on to this new chapter of my life, I can't help but feel a little wistful about those ugly orange hallways. I have three years of memories in that building, and countless other people make up another six decades of ups and downs. LHS has housed some of the greatest and some of the most notorious. People fell in love, they had their hearts broken, they met people they would know for the rest of their lives, they learned about life and love and friendship and all the things that really matter.
That building doesn't exist anymore; it's just a pile of rubble. Those trees in senior courtyard that we spent so many countless hours studying (and, more importantly, not studying) under are gone, senior hall is gone, locker 2680 is gone, the debate room is gone, Ms. Cheese's room is gone, it's all been reduced to a bunch of dirt and bricks.
I know it sounds cliche, but the memories made in that building live on. They still exist. They still helped to make us who we are today. I'm know I'm going to feel a little sad next year when we don't have any of those things, but I guess that's been the paradigm of this year for me: change.
My best friend moved to California. I said goodbye to a beloved pet. I drifted away from someone I'd been friends with for two years. I coped with a disease most people don't understand. I sat in a shrink's office for the first time. I made amends with someone I'd hated from day one. I listened to new music. I made new friends. I lost someone I loved more deeply than I ever thought possible.
Some of it has been awful; I never knew anything could hurt as much as heartbreak. Then again, some of it has been amazing; I ended up with the best friend I could ever ask for.
In the last two days, I've felt more vindicated, more ready to be myself than ever before. I reconciled with a friend I've been missing. It's not going to be perfect right away, and I know it's going to be awhile before we're as close as we used to be, but it's a step in the right direction and I couldn't be more pleased about it.
I also realized that the one person who's been doing his best to ruin my life doesn't really matter at all. Rather than letting these awful things he says make me feel terrible about myself, I should just be feeling sorry for him; he's lonely, he's hurt, he feels rejected and angry. I still can't look in the mirror without hearing his voice telling me how repulsive I am. But the longer I go without him in my life, the better I feel, the less I feel the need to reconcile. Maybe someday he'll grow up, but until then, I'm perfectly happy to have a life without him in it.
In the last two days, I've made friends and lost friends and rediscovered friends, and I didn't know it could all happen so quickly. It's been painful and it's felt great. It's made me miserable and it's made me happier than I've been in weeks. It's a mixed bag.
I guess that's life. There are ups and downs. There are people to get you through it, and when they're not around, we have to learn to love ourselves. We have to learn that it doesn't really matter all that much what anyone else thinks; what really matters is who we are, who we want to be. Anyone who tells you otherwise--anyone who tries to bring you down or hold you back--doesn't deserve to be your friend anyway.
So here I am, raw and unpolished, having forgotten all the things that make me myself. I'm on my own; I'm ready to rebuild. I think this summer--even with all those rough spots I see on the horizon--is going to be good for me, after all.
5/24/2007
23 May 2007
ready, set, we're in this together.
You're so vulnerable, and it's really adorable. I know exactly how you feel, and nothing could possibly feel worse. I've been there [I still am to a certain extent], and I promise you're going to get through it too. I have big plans for us this summer.
Also, I'm going to try not to let this get to me, because complication is the last thing I need. Being on the rebound is unpleasant for all involved... right?
I've missed you, and you're better off without her anyway. She can go to hell.
Also, I'm going to try not to let this get to me, because complication is the last thing I need. Being on the rebound is unpleasant for all involved... right?
I've missed you, and you're better off without her anyway. She can go to hell.
5/23/2007
22 May 2007
a favorable fifteen.
- I know I have to reconcile with you before I can move on. Now it's just a matter of gathering the balls to actually do it.
- You deserve better than this, but you seem unwilling to let me convince you of that. I want this, but I feel like you're being cheated. Is this really fair?
- I can't stand the fact that you don't seem to want to be around us anymore. Was it him? Was it me and him? What is it? What will it take to bring you back?
- I never thought I'd catch myself saying this [and actually meaning it], but I hate you. I hate you for what you did to my friend. I hate you for what you said to me. You can't take those things back, you know. I hate you for betraying me.
- I know it's not you; if you didn't exist, it would be someone else. So why am I so inexplicably envious?
- I'm going to miss those halls more than I'd ever imagined. The swanky newness is overshadowed by the loss of the place where some of my best [and worst] memories were made.
- Did you forget about me? Because I'm still here, you know. All those things you said, they still count to me, even if they don't to you anymore. I think you're going to remember one day, and I'm guessing you'll regret it.
- I knew this was going to happen, but I'm still feeling a little abandoned. It wasn't unexpected or anything, but I can't help feeling like you just don't care that much anymore. Or maybe it's just the rain. I hope things get better as the summer wears on, because I miss you.
- Thank you for being the best friend I've ever had. You're there for me when no one else will pick up the phone, and for that, I owe you the world. I love you like crazy, and I hope you never, ever, ever go away.
- I hope we get to be friends this summer.
- Fuck you. Haha like no, seriously, I would. I would so hit that. Hahahahaha.
- Don't ever let anyone tell you you're not beautiful, because you are. I'm crazy about you.
- I don't deserve you. Let's fall in love anyway.
- It feels good to like someone this much again. Here's to a really fabulous summer.
- One, two, three. One, two, three. See, they match! Come to your senses already, even if you don't deserve her.
5/22/2007
18 May 2007
a paradox.
I am kind; I am cruel.
I am beautiful; I am hideous.
I am strong; I am weak.
I am in love; I don't believe in love.
I am outgoing; I am silent.
I am happy; I am miserable.
I am content; I am restless.
I am brave; I am terrified.
I am restrained; I am wild.
I am responsible; I am a wreck.
I am ready; I am unprepared.
I am sane; I am losing my cool.
I am moving on; I am jealous.
I am independent; I am a follower.
I am intelligent; I am clueless.
I am experienced; I am at a loss.
I am forgiving you; I am never letting this go.
I am recovering; I am relapsing.
I am getting help; I am self-medicating.
I am resourceful; I am at a loss.
I am clean; I am addicted.
I am living; I am dying.
I am right; I am wrong.
I am forgetting you; I am missing you.
I am awake; I can't feel a thing.
I am done; I am just beginning.
I am beautiful; I am hideous.
I am strong; I am weak.
I am in love; I don't believe in love.
I am outgoing; I am silent.
I am happy; I am miserable.
I am content; I am restless.
I am brave; I am terrified.
I am restrained; I am wild.
I am responsible; I am a wreck.
I am ready; I am unprepared.
I am sane; I am losing my cool.
I am moving on; I am jealous.
I am independent; I am a follower.
I am intelligent; I am clueless.
I am experienced; I am at a loss.
I am forgiving you; I am never letting this go.
I am recovering; I am relapsing.
I am getting help; I am self-medicating.
I am resourceful; I am at a loss.
I am clean; I am addicted.
I am living; I am dying.
I am right; I am wrong.
I am forgetting you; I am missing you.
I am awake; I can't feel a thing.
I am done; I am just beginning.
5/18/2007
17 May 2007
school's out.
The worst year of my life is over, and you can bet I'll be celebrating with the girls tonight. Turns out living well really is the best revenge: I've never felt better, and I hope both of you are as miserable as you've made me. Maybe things really will get better someday, but until then, I'm content to watch as you squander away everything you have.
5/17/2007
14 May 2007
finals week fifteen.
- Come on, Bismarck... I really need this one.
- It's going to be you, I just know it. Don't you forget about me, you.
- Even if she never finds out, I hate you for what you did to her.
- Don't you dare fall in love with her. Not after what we've been through. Not after what I've been through.
- I hope you make it hard to be jealous of you.
- Jonathan P. Schmidt. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
- It's really too bad we met under the circumstances we did.
- It's nothing personal. I promise. And... don't take that as a compliment.
- I'm gonna miss you, you crazy old man, you.
- I think this is going to be good for me. For both of us. You're sweet.
- I've completely changed my mind about you in about 48 hours. I respect you, actually. I don't even mind that you're a white rapper.
- What if he was right and I'm not ready? More importantly, what would I do if I couldn't ask you that question? You're the only thing getting me through this, and I don't know what I would do without you.
- Where have you been all my life? I love you madly. Don't ever change, not even a little bit.
- You're a spaz. Whatever.
- Things are going to get better, you'll see. Love, whatever the hell that means, is supposed to conquer all, and it's not the same stuff anymore, but it's still something. You meant something; this meant something. And for the record, we could both use a little lesson in growing up.
5/14/2007
the quiet things that no one ever knows.
I'm keeping the blood in my head and my feet on the ground. Ready, set, finals... then comes the good life.
5/14/2007
09 May 2007
what a terrible thing to say to someone!
Don't tell her she's beautiful; she isn't. Then again, shallowness really does seem to be a major appeal. You don't mean anything you say to anyone--especially not when it comes to me--so I'd appreciate it if you could just keep your big stupid mouth shut.
5/09/2007
08 May 2007
ignore the layout change;
It was an accident. The monsters will be back soon.
5/08/2007
07 May 2007
to the love of my life:
I can't keep doing this. You keep changing your mind, and I won't be put through it again. I'm tired of fighting; all this arguing is wearing me out.
If that's all you people want from me, a little warning would be nice... the two-day "courtesy window" between the escapades and the bombshell just doesn't seem to be cutting it. I'm sick of being used.
If that's all you people want from me, a little warning would be nice... the two-day "courtesy window" between the escapades and the bombshell just doesn't seem to be cutting it. I'm sick of being used.
5/07/2007
06 May 2007
wait... what?
I think it may be the wanting to want you that's making me want you. Similarly, I should feel way worse than I do.
5/06/2007
05 May 2007
songs about me.
You know how sometimes when you're really intoxicated, you hear a song and go, "Oh god, that's totally about me"? Well... this song makes me feel like that when I'm completely sober.
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And covered with a perfect shell
Such a charming, beautiful exterior
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by
This is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And hidden in the public eye
Such a stellar monument to loneliness
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by...
Well this is one time, well this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all..or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And covered with a perfect shell
Such a charming, beautiful exterior
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by
This is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And hidden in the public eye
Such a stellar monument to loneliness
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by...
Well this is one time, well this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all..or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
5/05/2007
you got it, babe.
You want to forget about it? Okay, let's forget about it. I'm yours tonight and his tomorrow. It's a crazy old mixed-up world out there, and I guess I learned the hard way that nobody's going to just give me what I want.
I'm going to have to take it, so I guess that's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to have to take it, so I guess that's what I'm going to do.
5/05/2007
01 May 2007
take that, office supplies!
I know this may come as something of a shock to many of my readers, but I noticed something on Friday that really got me to thinking, and I think I've finally reached a viable conclusion. My thesis occured to me as I watched the Student Senate Sponsor walk out of the principal's office and tell the candidates for student body president that there was a "paper jam," and that everyone would be standing around waiting for another ten minutes, at least. Um, bullshit, you know why?
There is no such thing as a paper jam.
I mean, come on. What a ridiculous concept. First of all, it's completely avoidable. The minute the printer even thinks about jamming up, it starts making these weird crinkly noises, and you know, you know, what's going to happen if you don't get over there STAT and free the rogue paper from its inky captor.
And even if you don't notice until it's too late, and the printer has shredded the document into at least six different pieces, and you know when you touch it it's going to get ink all over your hand and it won't come off for at least three days and everyone's going to think you never wash your hands, you're still not S.O.L., because what do you do? You grab the paper and pull it out. Problem solved.
In technical terms, the space for the paper to go through when stuff is getting printed on it is simply too small for multiple pages to fit, which, in my book, is the definition of a jam.
Basically, some jerk intern at an office [probably someone like me!] woke up one morning and got to work and his boss wanted to know where those reports were, Johnson, and Johnson, always quick-thinking, went to "fetch" [read: start] them in his cubicle, and twenty later when the boss came in to see what the devil had happened to those reports, Johnson, Johnson did some more of that quick thinking and exclaimed "There's a paper jam in the printer, sir!" and that was that. A few coworkers, who had never liked Johnson because of his chronic lateness and tendency to increase their workload with his slacking off, immediately felt vindicated, knowing that Johnson had saved their sinking ship.
It's the perfect excuse, if you think about it, sort of nebulous, and it falls into that circumstances-were-out-of-my-control category. Say "paper jam," and everyone stops nagging you, no big thing, take as long as you need, technology these days is so confusing, isn't it. Occasionally, some newbie--someone who isn't in on the gig--will even offer to help you, and probably thinks you're a big jerk when you look at him like he's completely braindead.
So I guess the gig's up, cubicle-residing printer mongrels. I'm totally onto you.
There is no such thing as a paper jam.
I mean, come on. What a ridiculous concept. First of all, it's completely avoidable. The minute the printer even thinks about jamming up, it starts making these weird crinkly noises, and you know, you know, what's going to happen if you don't get over there STAT and free the rogue paper from its inky captor.
And even if you don't notice until it's too late, and the printer has shredded the document into at least six different pieces, and you know when you touch it it's going to get ink all over your hand and it won't come off for at least three days and everyone's going to think you never wash your hands, you're still not S.O.L., because what do you do? You grab the paper and pull it out. Problem solved.
In technical terms, the space for the paper to go through when stuff is getting printed on it is simply too small for multiple pages to fit, which, in my book, is the definition of a jam.
Basically, some jerk intern at an office [probably someone like me!] woke up one morning and got to work and his boss wanted to know where those reports were, Johnson, and Johnson, always quick-thinking, went to "fetch" [read: start] them in his cubicle, and twenty later when the boss came in to see what the devil had happened to those reports, Johnson, Johnson did some more of that quick thinking and exclaimed "There's a paper jam in the printer, sir!" and that was that. A few coworkers, who had never liked Johnson because of his chronic lateness and tendency to increase their workload with his slacking off, immediately felt vindicated, knowing that Johnson had saved their sinking ship.
It's the perfect excuse, if you think about it, sort of nebulous, and it falls into that circumstances-were-out-of-my-control category. Say "paper jam," and everyone stops nagging you, no big thing, take as long as you need, technology these days is so confusing, isn't it. Occasionally, some newbie--someone who isn't in on the gig--will even offer to help you, and probably thinks you're a big jerk when you look at him like he's completely braindead.
So I guess the gig's up, cubicle-residing printer mongrels. I'm totally onto you.
5/01/2007
