19 June 2007
♥ america's impending dairy crisis, simplified for you, the consumer.
I'm not sure most consumers understand the disastrous potential consequences of the pudding-yogurt problem we're facing today. In my short time as a courtesy clerk at your friendly neighborhood grocery store, however, I've come to realize what a real issue this is, and it affects anyone who isn't lactose intolerant, which, last time I checked, is most people. (And anyway, lactose intolerance is one of those things I don't really believe in, like athsma: why don't you just buck up and take it like a man?)
Basically, it's like this: yogurt and pudding are both dairy-based, meaning that they originate from cows (dairy also includes other farm animals, such as chickens). Okay, so yogurt, traditionally eaten as a breakfast or healthy snack-type food for people who enjoy eating what is basically really thick creamy milk with bacteria in it that tastes like strawberries. On the contrary, pudding, though dairy-based, is usually thought of as more of a dessert food, with delicious flavors such as caramel, dulce de leche, chocolate, and the ever-unpopular though underratedly delicious tapioca.
So here's the issue we're facing: recently, yogurt companies have begun to market sweet, more delicious flavors of yogurt, especially those weird "whipped" flavors. (They're bizarre.) As I stocked yogurt the other day, I began to notice an outrageous shift in flavors of yogurt: there is less lemon and more latte. Less canteloupe and more caramel. (Even the "fruit" flavors are sickeningly sweet. Instead of lime or whatever, it's "key lime pie," you know?) Are you getting my drift here? As disturbed as I was, though, I didn't think much of it until I moved along to the pudding section, where I nearly had a coronary: there are now fruity pudding flavors.
I know, what the hell, right?
In simplified terms, this means that yogurt and pudding are beginning to morph into one another and will soon be the same thing. I'm calling on you, the consumer, to not let this happen.
What's the big deal, you might be asking yourself. What does it even matter if yogurt and pudding are actually the same thing?
First of all, there are several key differences between these two products. While yogurt traditionally comes in those stupid little containers that are smaller at the top than at the bottom, making it nearly impossible to get a properly sized spoon in there, pudding comes in these little squatty containers that have those hilarious jokes on the insides of the lids. Clearly, if both products were to morph into one, consumers would be forced to choose between the two, and everyone would obviously pick the containers that don't suck. What would we do with all the crappy little yogurt containers then? Would we still be able to send in lids to help stop breast cancer? Would these breast cancer stopping lids still have jokes on them?
Second, yogurt eaters and pudding eaters are very different. Yogurt is sold in individual containers because most yogurt eaters prefer to have a variety of flavors to choose from, in case one doesn't mix well with their granola. Pudding, however, is available in those cardboard thingies that usually have like six or eight containers of pudding. This is because pudding eaters, by definition, are far more loyal in their flavor preferences. Some people like the layery kind, where there's chocolate on the bottom, then vanilla, then chocolate on top. Some prefer tapioca or just one flavor, you know? If the two products were to become one, how would this one product be sold? Would yogurt eaters be forced to take home eight strawberries at a time? After all, it would be impossible for manufacturers to keep up with all those finicky yogurt eaters' individual preferences when packaging pre-mix-n-matched sets of yogurt. And would pudding eaters be forced to get a basket at the front of the store to carry their eight tapiocas rather than simply grabbing a container and getting out of there?
Additionally, there is a simple problem of logistics. You see, there is only so much room in the big giant fridge thing where they keep the yogurt at grocery stores. You know how you open a door in the fridge area and get what you need and close the door? Okay, well yogurt takes up about four doors' worth over there. The rest is orange juice, milk, cottage cheese, stuff like that. Pudding, on the other hand, does not need to be refrigerated (probably because it doesn't have nasty bacteria on it) and is stored just beyond the fridge for pastry dough, cheese, and eggs. Basically, if pudding and yogurt were the same thing, it would be stupid to have two sections for it. You, the consumer, wouldn't even know where to begin! So would we have to build bigger fridges in every grocery store across the nation? Would this product have a whole section all to itself? The cost of storing such an endeavor is simply mind-boggling.
Finally, we have the issue of naming. This dairy hybrid couldn't possibly have a dignified name; even the "Grapple," (say GRAPE-pull) the apple that tastes like a grape and is disgusting and pretty much a sorry excuse for genetic engineering, is more respectable. Think about it. Pogurt? Yodding? Both sound vaguely dirty, and neither sounds like something that you, the consumer, would want to eat.
In short, we must stop pudding and yogurt from unifying. Luckily, there doesn't appear to be a pattern in their hybridization; perhaps this whole thing is just a big mistake and one day we can all just laugh about it and go back to enjoying our dairy product of choice. In the meantime, I feel strongly that all consumers who don't want a terrible crisis at their local grocers' should write to the nearest dairy manufacturer and inform them of the necessity to continue the segregation of pudding and yogurt.
Basically, it's like this: yogurt and pudding are both dairy-based, meaning that they originate from cows (dairy also includes other farm animals, such as chickens). Okay, so yogurt, traditionally eaten as a breakfast or healthy snack-type food for people who enjoy eating what is basically really thick creamy milk with bacteria in it that tastes like strawberries. On the contrary, pudding, though dairy-based, is usually thought of as more of a dessert food, with delicious flavors such as caramel, dulce de leche, chocolate, and the ever-unpopular though underratedly delicious tapioca.
So here's the issue we're facing: recently, yogurt companies have begun to market sweet, more delicious flavors of yogurt, especially those weird "whipped" flavors. (They're bizarre.) As I stocked yogurt the other day, I began to notice an outrageous shift in flavors of yogurt: there is less lemon and more latte. Less canteloupe and more caramel. (Even the "fruit" flavors are sickeningly sweet. Instead of lime or whatever, it's "key lime pie," you know?) Are you getting my drift here? As disturbed as I was, though, I didn't think much of it until I moved along to the pudding section, where I nearly had a coronary: there are now fruity pudding flavors.
I know, what the hell, right?
In simplified terms, this means that yogurt and pudding are beginning to morph into one another and will soon be the same thing. I'm calling on you, the consumer, to not let this happen.
What's the big deal, you might be asking yourself. What does it even matter if yogurt and pudding are actually the same thing?
First of all, there are several key differences between these two products. While yogurt traditionally comes in those stupid little containers that are smaller at the top than at the bottom, making it nearly impossible to get a properly sized spoon in there, pudding comes in these little squatty containers that have those hilarious jokes on the insides of the lids. Clearly, if both products were to morph into one, consumers would be forced to choose between the two, and everyone would obviously pick the containers that don't suck. What would we do with all the crappy little yogurt containers then? Would we still be able to send in lids to help stop breast cancer? Would these breast cancer stopping lids still have jokes on them?
Second, yogurt eaters and pudding eaters are very different. Yogurt is sold in individual containers because most yogurt eaters prefer to have a variety of flavors to choose from, in case one doesn't mix well with their granola. Pudding, however, is available in those cardboard thingies that usually have like six or eight containers of pudding. This is because pudding eaters, by definition, are far more loyal in their flavor preferences. Some people like the layery kind, where there's chocolate on the bottom, then vanilla, then chocolate on top. Some prefer tapioca or just one flavor, you know? If the two products were to become one, how would this one product be sold? Would yogurt eaters be forced to take home eight strawberries at a time? After all, it would be impossible for manufacturers to keep up with all those finicky yogurt eaters' individual preferences when packaging pre-mix-n-matched sets of yogurt. And would pudding eaters be forced to get a basket at the front of the store to carry their eight tapiocas rather than simply grabbing a container and getting out of there?
Additionally, there is a simple problem of logistics. You see, there is only so much room in the big giant fridge thing where they keep the yogurt at grocery stores. You know how you open a door in the fridge area and get what you need and close the door? Okay, well yogurt takes up about four doors' worth over there. The rest is orange juice, milk, cottage cheese, stuff like that. Pudding, on the other hand, does not need to be refrigerated (probably because it doesn't have nasty bacteria on it) and is stored just beyond the fridge for pastry dough, cheese, and eggs. Basically, if pudding and yogurt were the same thing, it would be stupid to have two sections for it. You, the consumer, wouldn't even know where to begin! So would we have to build bigger fridges in every grocery store across the nation? Would this product have a whole section all to itself? The cost of storing such an endeavor is simply mind-boggling.
Finally, we have the issue of naming. This dairy hybrid couldn't possibly have a dignified name; even the "Grapple," (say GRAPE-pull) the apple that tastes like a grape and is disgusting and pretty much a sorry excuse for genetic engineering, is more respectable. Think about it. Pogurt? Yodding? Both sound vaguely dirty, and neither sounds like something that you, the consumer, would want to eat.
In short, we must stop pudding and yogurt from unifying. Luckily, there doesn't appear to be a pattern in their hybridization; perhaps this whole thing is just a big mistake and one day we can all just laugh about it and go back to enjoying our dairy product of choice. In the meantime, I feel strongly that all consumers who don't want a terrible crisis at their local grocers' should write to the nearest dairy manufacturer and inform them of the necessity to continue the segregation of pudding and yogurt.
6/19/2007