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30 June 2007

♥ the teen angst guide to the hard-partying lifestyle.

Ah, the quintessential self-medication of the 21st-century teen. Here, I've laid out a list of the pros and cons of each of America's favorite angsty teen pastimes.

Sex.
Pros: Who doesn't love sex? Nobody. Sex is fun, sex is good, not everybody does it, but everybody should! (Who can name that charming little 80s ballad?) In fact, the areas of the brain that trigger stress and worry actually shut off during orgasm, meaning that sex is, quite literally, the ultimate stress reliever. When people show interest in us sexually (especially when this interest is mixed with one or both of the other two aforementioned pastimes, which help to reduce the function of those pesky judgement areas of the brain), we are flattered and can't help but feel attractive and wanted.

Cons: Sex is one of the main causes of teen angst. Either you're getting some and nobody's calling you back, or you're not getting any and you can't figure out why. In any case, nobody wants to feel unwanted, but unfortunately, that's the nature of sex: it's always kind of one-sided. Other cons include the potential for STDs, pregnancy, and nasty stains that will show up under a black light if you're ever on Room Raiders.


Drugs.
Pros: Euphoria, street cred, temporary escape from teen angst.

Cons: The crash when the high wears off, potential weight gain from late-night Chic-Fil-A runs when you and your best friend get the munchies, scary hallucinations, and the fact that it's pretty much impossible to sneak back in the house when you reek like weed and your eyes are all bloodshot and you can't stop laughing at these really inane little things. Also, burning yourself on a lighter while lighting a pipe/bong/spliff/etc. is a much bigger hazard than you might realize.


Alcohol.
Pros: Parties are much more fun, even if you don't know anyone, after a couple of shots. Additionally, who doesn't enjoy the occasional drinking game? Whether it's beer pong, flippy cup (a recent addition to my repertoire), or one of those ones with lots of cards that I don't understand, everyone could use a little lightening up every now and then. Also, if you're drinking too, you don't have to take care of all the puking people.

Cons: Throwing up is disgusting, and you usually end up with vomit on your clothes. Also, it's nigh impossible to get rid of the stench of alcohol before you stumble in the door early the next morning to crash before you go to work; this dilemma often attracts the attention of any parental units with whom you happen to be sharing a living space. In addition, when you hit the ever-so-sought-after classification of drunken stupor, you'll probably want to leave the party, which you shouldn't because you definitely should not be driving, mister. Even the other drunk people are telling you only a moron would drive when they're as drunk as you are. Being DD may suck, but somebody has to do it.

Now that we've covered those beloved staples of the American teen lifestyle, you'll need a quick checklist before you head out to party hardy:

Ask yourself, do I have my...
  • condoms?
  • change of clothes?
  • phone?
  • DD?
  • friend who always seems to stay responsible even when they're drunk and will probably stop me before I do something really retarded, like drunk dialing?
  • toothbrush? (This one is more important than you might think.)
  • shoes? (Always, always, always remember where you left your shoes at a party, and for god's sake, take them off before you fall asleep unless you enjoy being drawn on / saran wrapped.)
Once you've checked your little pockets, it's time to head out the door. Remember, kids, make good decisions while you're making your bad decisions! You'll regret it a lot less in the morning.

♥ the best is yet to be.
6/30/2007

♥ yours truly. ;

    "And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep." --Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

♥ Thank you

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