13 January 2008
♥ forging ahead: a fiery fifteen.
1. Not having you in my life gets a little easier every day, but it's still not easy. I still miss you sometimes when I least expect it, but I guess that's what heartbreak does to a person. It makes me feel a little better to know that sometimes, when you don't really mean to, you catch yourself missing me, too.
2. You broke my heart too, but not in the same way. I wasn't in love with you anymore--if I ever really was--but I did love you. I did trust you. What makes me the angriest is how much I miss the old you, the good you, the sweet, gentle, caring you, and how that person has been replaced with some kind of monster. I hate how alone I feel when I know you're hanging out with my friends. I hate that I'm still angry and bitter about what you did to me, but I guess I'll always feel that way. Hoping you rot in hell isn't enough for me anymore, because no pain or suffering is more than you deserve.
3. I don't know how I got this lucky. It's nice to have a best friend who loves you no matter what, even when you don't deserve it. We don't always see eye to eye (especially when it comes to food, a topic on which you are always wrong and / or boys), but I guess that keeps things interesting. I guess being friend with someone for the majority of your life means you know them better than you know yourself, and to tell you the truth, I'm more than okay with that. Thanks for being my better half.
4. You're confusing and I'm not sure what to do with you. Part of me thinks it's me, and the other half insists that you're just straight-up crazy. Either way, as much as I love you, this friendship is a little scary to me: you're never the same two days in a row. I never know what your next move will be, and it's getting harder and harder to walk on eggshells all the time. I guess I'll just keep hanging on, because I'm not sure what else to do.
5. This one is always a little transparent, because I think everyone already knows exactly what I think of you. I think you're two-faced (which is a bummer because I don't even like looking at the one you already have) and fake, and I think you need to get some braces and maybe a sense of style. I hate your little voice and the things you make it say, especially because a lot of that is lies about me, and I hate your stupid pink boots and your monochromatic outfits and the way you stare at me in English. You are one of two, maybe three people in this world that I hate with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
6. Mock trial is a huge pain in my ass, and it's your fault. You're a terrible sponsor, and I think your little red sweaters are really ugly. I can't stand your little mousey voice, and I wish you'd use it to tell your dumb team to get their shit together, because the fact that you haven't done that yet means I spend a lot of time dealing with their bullshit. You're basically worthless.
7. I'm not mad at you, not like I was when I first found out. It's just that I can't help feeling like if you know I'm telling the truth, why would you want to be friends with him? I remember sitting you down and telling you everything that had happened, telling you that you never really had to end things with her, telling you that everything he'd told us had turned out to be a lie, and I saw it on your face: you knew the truth. So why are you going behind my back? Why are you lying to me? Why are you still his friend? Nothing compares to what he did to me, but your betrayal comes pretty close.
8. I know I've said it a million times, but you are who has helped me through this hell the most. It's not that no one else has tried; it's just that it's a hard thing to understand unless you've gone through it, and I wouldn't wish that one anyone. (Well, maybe #5; I think she's got it coming.) I can't believe you forgave me after the things I said to you. Even now, I'm not sure if I'd be able to do the same. But I admire you--so much so that just thinking about it makes me a little choked up--because rather than letting anger and bitterness take over your life, you've become a stronger, even cooler verson of your old self. I wish you didn't live in another state, but just knowing you're my friend is enough. I love you more than I think you will ever know.
9. I hate how you're always talking down to everybody. Why can't you just say something nice for a change? Not nice like, "You did almost as good as me!" Nice like, something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, without a you-related comparison. Nice like, no strings attached, not snide or sarcastic. Would that really be too much to ask? And as long as I'm asking favors, could you please not be in all my classes anymore?
10. As weird as this sounds, I'm beginning to feel like maybe our fates are sort of connected. I know I'm nothing like you, and as much as I'd kill for your rockin' bod, I'm not complaining about that. But what happened to you is just like what happened to me. I know it's hard to forget about him, even when he treats you like complete shit. Even when he blows you off, forgets you're supposed to hang out, talks about other girls in front of you, acts like you mean nothing to him, it's hard to forget how much you love him. I know. But as tough as it is to say the gig's up, I also know that nothing makes you feel better about yourself than knowing you're all you need to be happy. And someday, when you find that person who treats you like a princess and can't believe his luck to be with you, it will all be a distant memory. In the meantime, we just need to learn to be ourselves.
11. Talking to you at the game yesterday was the closest I've ever come to figuring you out. I hope you know it's okay to just let go and move on, even when the answer seems really clear. It's okay if you still love her, because I think that to some extent you always will. I think that's what happens when you love somebody. But I like this new girl; I think she'll be good for you. I think she's great. I think when you're young like we are, you should just live it up a little. And even if you did get fired yesterday, I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. It's hard for me to say it to your face, but I value our friendship more than I think you realize.
12. I love you so much I wanna get your name tattooed on my ass. Just kidding, having a poster of your gorgeous self right over my bed, while not the same as having you confess your undying love for me, will do for now.
13. Sometimes I wonder if you realize how much I miss you. The summer you moved to California was harder on me than I let on, partly because I didn't want to seem like a sentimental dork and partly because I didn't want to make it any harder on you than it had to be. I know we're not always in touch, because I guess that's what happens when people live far apart and are busy with their own lives, but I hope you know I consider you one of my best friends, and there isn't much (if anything) I wouldn't do for you. I love you like a sister, but with less fighting and more difference in brownness.
14. What are you thinking, hitting on your friend's sister?! That's right up there with your friend's ex on the list of people you shouldn't ever hit on. I can see if you were some kind of social retard or a middle schooler or something, but you have absolutely no excuse. You should probably just stay away from the aforementioned friend and his sister, because frankly, the last four years have done something to you that I really don't like.
15. I can't imagine what I did to convince the powers that be that I deserved you, but whatever it was, I guess it's something I did right. There's not much to it: our relationship isn't complicated or stressful; it's not messy and it doesn't keep me up at night, unless I'm thinking about how glad I am that you're all mine. While I think some things are better left unsaid, when we're the only two people in the world who know about them, I want everyone to know that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. You make me laugh, you make me weak in the knees, you cheer me up when it seems like things are at their worst. Thank you for just being you.
2. You broke my heart too, but not in the same way. I wasn't in love with you anymore--if I ever really was--but I did love you. I did trust you. What makes me the angriest is how much I miss the old you, the good you, the sweet, gentle, caring you, and how that person has been replaced with some kind of monster. I hate how alone I feel when I know you're hanging out with my friends. I hate that I'm still angry and bitter about what you did to me, but I guess I'll always feel that way. Hoping you rot in hell isn't enough for me anymore, because no pain or suffering is more than you deserve.
3. I don't know how I got this lucky. It's nice to have a best friend who loves you no matter what, even when you don't deserve it. We don't always see eye to eye (especially when it comes to food, a topic on which you are always wrong and / or boys), but I guess that keeps things interesting. I guess being friend with someone for the majority of your life means you know them better than you know yourself, and to tell you the truth, I'm more than okay with that. Thanks for being my better half.
4. You're confusing and I'm not sure what to do with you. Part of me thinks it's me, and the other half insists that you're just straight-up crazy. Either way, as much as I love you, this friendship is a little scary to me: you're never the same two days in a row. I never know what your next move will be, and it's getting harder and harder to walk on eggshells all the time. I guess I'll just keep hanging on, because I'm not sure what else to do.
5. This one is always a little transparent, because I think everyone already knows exactly what I think of you. I think you're two-faced (which is a bummer because I don't even like looking at the one you already have) and fake, and I think you need to get some braces and maybe a sense of style. I hate your little voice and the things you make it say, especially because a lot of that is lies about me, and I hate your stupid pink boots and your monochromatic outfits and the way you stare at me in English. You are one of two, maybe three people in this world that I hate with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
6. Mock trial is a huge pain in my ass, and it's your fault. You're a terrible sponsor, and I think your little red sweaters are really ugly. I can't stand your little mousey voice, and I wish you'd use it to tell your dumb team to get their shit together, because the fact that you haven't done that yet means I spend a lot of time dealing with their bullshit. You're basically worthless.
7. I'm not mad at you, not like I was when I first found out. It's just that I can't help feeling like if you know I'm telling the truth, why would you want to be friends with him? I remember sitting you down and telling you everything that had happened, telling you that you never really had to end things with her, telling you that everything he'd told us had turned out to be a lie, and I saw it on your face: you knew the truth. So why are you going behind my back? Why are you lying to me? Why are you still his friend? Nothing compares to what he did to me, but your betrayal comes pretty close.
8. I know I've said it a million times, but you are who has helped me through this hell the most. It's not that no one else has tried; it's just that it's a hard thing to understand unless you've gone through it, and I wouldn't wish that one anyone. (Well, maybe #5; I think she's got it coming.) I can't believe you forgave me after the things I said to you. Even now, I'm not sure if I'd be able to do the same. But I admire you--so much so that just thinking about it makes me a little choked up--because rather than letting anger and bitterness take over your life, you've become a stronger, even cooler verson of your old self. I wish you didn't live in another state, but just knowing you're my friend is enough. I love you more than I think you will ever know.
9. I hate how you're always talking down to everybody. Why can't you just say something nice for a change? Not nice like, "You did almost as good as me!" Nice like, something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, without a you-related comparison. Nice like, no strings attached, not snide or sarcastic. Would that really be too much to ask? And as long as I'm asking favors, could you please not be in all my classes anymore?
10. As weird as this sounds, I'm beginning to feel like maybe our fates are sort of connected. I know I'm nothing like you, and as much as I'd kill for your rockin' bod, I'm not complaining about that. But what happened to you is just like what happened to me. I know it's hard to forget about him, even when he treats you like complete shit. Even when he blows you off, forgets you're supposed to hang out, talks about other girls in front of you, acts like you mean nothing to him, it's hard to forget how much you love him. I know. But as tough as it is to say the gig's up, I also know that nothing makes you feel better about yourself than knowing you're all you need to be happy. And someday, when you find that person who treats you like a princess and can't believe his luck to be with you, it will all be a distant memory. In the meantime, we just need to learn to be ourselves.
11. Talking to you at the game yesterday was the closest I've ever come to figuring you out. I hope you know it's okay to just let go and move on, even when the answer seems really clear. It's okay if you still love her, because I think that to some extent you always will. I think that's what happens when you love somebody. But I like this new girl; I think she'll be good for you. I think she's great. I think when you're young like we are, you should just live it up a little. And even if you did get fired yesterday, I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. It's hard for me to say it to your face, but I value our friendship more than I think you realize.
12. I love you so much I wanna get your name tattooed on my ass. Just kidding, having a poster of your gorgeous self right over my bed, while not the same as having you confess your undying love for me, will do for now.
13. Sometimes I wonder if you realize how much I miss you. The summer you moved to California was harder on me than I let on, partly because I didn't want to seem like a sentimental dork and partly because I didn't want to make it any harder on you than it had to be. I know we're not always in touch, because I guess that's what happens when people live far apart and are busy with their own lives, but I hope you know I consider you one of my best friends, and there isn't much (if anything) I wouldn't do for you. I love you like a sister, but with less fighting and more difference in brownness.
14. What are you thinking, hitting on your friend's sister?! That's right up there with your friend's ex on the list of people you shouldn't ever hit on. I can see if you were some kind of social retard or a middle schooler or something, but you have absolutely no excuse. You should probably just stay away from the aforementioned friend and his sister, because frankly, the last four years have done something to you that I really don't like.
15. I can't imagine what I did to convince the powers that be that I deserved you, but whatever it was, I guess it's something I did right. There's not much to it: our relationship isn't complicated or stressful; it's not messy and it doesn't keep me up at night, unless I'm thinking about how glad I am that you're all mine. While I think some things are better left unsaid, when we're the only two people in the world who know about them, I want everyone to know that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. You make me laugh, you make me weak in the knees, you cheer me up when it seems like things are at their worst. Thank you for just being you.
1/13/2008
