24 January 2008
♥ a new beginning.
I've spent so much of my life trying to be perfect. I don't think I'm much smarter than the average person, but I think I've had an advantage since I was very small because I have parents who care about me and want to help me succeed.
Unfortunately, however, it's impossible to be perfect all the time, and when someone points that out to you, it's tough to keep going. I spent my sophomore and junior years feeling like a rock star: I got along with nearly everyone, I didn't have braces anymore (this was bigger for my self-confidence than I think some people realized... I had BIG braces), and boys seemed to be knocking down my door. I was living the charmed life.
But somewhere in there, I started taking things for granted. Friends, how easy school was, getting along with my parents, the fabulous shape I was in (what I wouldn't give to weigh what I did when I was a sophomore...), everything.
Everyone has a breaking point. There's only so much one person can handle, and between a tough academic semester, a really difficult breakup, and clinical depression that left me unable to handle trivial day-to-day struggles, let alone major, life-changing things, I just lost it. I couldn't do it anymore.
That was almost a year ago, and since then, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure things out. A few more really shitty, unexpected things have happened since then, and I guess I've come to realize that I'm not really sure about anything anymore.
I've learned that people are not always who they seem to be.
But I haven't just learned that in a bad way, in a thanks for letting me down, asshole way. I've learned that first impressions, first appearances, are not always quite right. A beloved best friend can turn into the very thing you're trying to run away from. A gorgeous crush can turn into a manipulative jerk. The list goes on, but I think the point is that maybe the things I used to think about people aren't really fair.
So why have I been holding myself to this impossible standard? I would never refuse to be friends with someone because I thought they were too fat, or their hair was too frizzy, or they didn't always wear enough makeup. If I'm not that shallow, why should I assume everyone else is? My friends tell me it's my personality that matters, not the way I look, but for so long, I've assumed that no one would think to look for it if I didn't look a certain way.
It's not really fair that I should feel like this; I mean, so many people have stuck with me even after seeing me at my worst. Kayla knew me all through my awkward stage, Alexia's seen my gnarly hungover self about a million times, Kelsey has watched me sob through the end of a Plain White T's concert... For God's sake, Matt met me while I was wearing a not-so-sexy King Soopers uniform and liked me anyway! The people I love the most have remained my friends through thick and thin, and somehow, I am still convinced that I'm somehow not good enough.
So I've been thinking a lot lately: what's missing?
And there it is. The big question. The question I've been needing to ask myself for so long. Who else needs to love me before I can finally love myself? Who else needs to say it? Is one person's rejection going to permanently fuck things up for me? How many more times am I going to have to hear the words "you are beautiful" before I can finally believe them? What's it going to take?
I think it's going to take a lot of time, and I think I'm making my way there, slowly but surely. I've started to surround myself with people who influence me positively, because I don't ever, ever want to get back to that place.
Unfortunately, however, it's impossible to be perfect all the time, and when someone points that out to you, it's tough to keep going. I spent my sophomore and junior years feeling like a rock star: I got along with nearly everyone, I didn't have braces anymore (this was bigger for my self-confidence than I think some people realized... I had BIG braces), and boys seemed to be knocking down my door. I was living the charmed life.
But somewhere in there, I started taking things for granted. Friends, how easy school was, getting along with my parents, the fabulous shape I was in (what I wouldn't give to weigh what I did when I was a sophomore...), everything.
Everyone has a breaking point. There's only so much one person can handle, and between a tough academic semester, a really difficult breakup, and clinical depression that left me unable to handle trivial day-to-day struggles, let alone major, life-changing things, I just lost it. I couldn't do it anymore.
That was almost a year ago, and since then, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure things out. A few more really shitty, unexpected things have happened since then, and I guess I've come to realize that I'm not really sure about anything anymore.
I've learned that people are not always who they seem to be.
But I haven't just learned that in a bad way, in a thanks for letting me down, asshole way. I've learned that first impressions, first appearances, are not always quite right. A beloved best friend can turn into the very thing you're trying to run away from. A gorgeous crush can turn into a manipulative jerk. The list goes on, but I think the point is that maybe the things I used to think about people aren't really fair.
So why have I been holding myself to this impossible standard? I would never refuse to be friends with someone because I thought they were too fat, or their hair was too frizzy, or they didn't always wear enough makeup. If I'm not that shallow, why should I assume everyone else is? My friends tell me it's my personality that matters, not the way I look, but for so long, I've assumed that no one would think to look for it if I didn't look a certain way.
It's not really fair that I should feel like this; I mean, so many people have stuck with me even after seeing me at my worst. Kayla knew me all through my awkward stage, Alexia's seen my gnarly hungover self about a million times, Kelsey has watched me sob through the end of a Plain White T's concert... For God's sake, Matt met me while I was wearing a not-so-sexy King Soopers uniform and liked me anyway! The people I love the most have remained my friends through thick and thin, and somehow, I am still convinced that I'm somehow not good enough.
So I've been thinking a lot lately: what's missing?
And there it is. The big question. The question I've been needing to ask myself for so long. Who else needs to love me before I can finally love myself? Who else needs to say it? Is one person's rejection going to permanently fuck things up for me? How many more times am I going to have to hear the words "you are beautiful" before I can finally believe them? What's it going to take?
I think it's going to take a lot of time, and I think I'm making my way there, slowly but surely. I've started to surround myself with people who influence me positively, because I don't ever, ever want to get back to that place.
1/24/2008
