24 March 2008
♥ stupid claremont mcphony!
Dear Claremont McKenna Admissions Officers,
It is with great regret that I inform you that I am unable to accept your rejection of my best friend from your very pretentious campus. I understand that many a worldy scholar has taken tea in your irritatingly quaint hallways and that your tennis team has earned itself a number of impressive honors, and please believe that I have taken note of your lovely grounds and wished that a less pompous university existed in your place. Despite these requisites, however, I feel that you are at best unqualified to simply brush off my esteemed best friend. As a result, I have declared myself her official University Selection Representative, and this letter should be taken as a stern reprimand for your arrogant exclusion of Ms. Martin.
While I'm certain that your admissions officers are required to sift through the applications of thousands of would-be yuppies, it seems that the typical cursory once-over (after all, the time of such learned scholars should not be wasted on mere mortals!) did not do justice to the application of Ms. Martin. A few things your swanky admissions office may have missed:
1. Excellent taste in most, if not all, areas. I don't know anyone else who appreciates both the genius Guillermo del Toro and the campy pleasures of Buffy and Degrassi. Also, impeccable taste in music, minus Modest Mouse. Yuck.
2. Several top honors in the Mockery Olympics. Some of these titles were earned in the doubles competition; her partner, of course, was me. This skill may seem irrelevant to you wine-sipping, collar-popping, tennis racquet-toting yuppie types, but the ability to mock some of the world's more annoying human beings (or not) is a very important life skill.
3. A healthy fear of disgusting animals, especially moray eels. Common sense.
4. Ability to bake delicious cookies. Also the owner of a panini maker, but don't say panini in front of her dad. In fact, why don't you just not say much of anything to her dad. He is not as groovy as she is. There you go, she has also overcome adversity!
5. Infinite patience. How else could someone manage to be my best friend for a whole decade?
In light of all this, I'm sure you lot will change your very conceited mind, but I also regret to inform you that it's too late. Ms. Martin has made her decision, and she will be staying right here in 300-days-of-sun-every-year (beat that, California!) Colorado, where we will have sleepovers every weekend and continue to be the very best of friends. Your pretentious halls have missed out on one of the world's more fabulous and amazing people, but it's no skin off mine: more Martin for me.
Disdainfully yours,
Emma Walker
It is with great regret that I inform you that I am unable to accept your rejection of my best friend from your very pretentious campus. I understand that many a worldy scholar has taken tea in your irritatingly quaint hallways and that your tennis team has earned itself a number of impressive honors, and please believe that I have taken note of your lovely grounds and wished that a less pompous university existed in your place. Despite these requisites, however, I feel that you are at best unqualified to simply brush off my esteemed best friend. As a result, I have declared myself her official University Selection Representative, and this letter should be taken as a stern reprimand for your arrogant exclusion of Ms. Martin.
While I'm certain that your admissions officers are required to sift through the applications of thousands of would-be yuppies, it seems that the typical cursory once-over (after all, the time of such learned scholars should not be wasted on mere mortals!) did not do justice to the application of Ms. Martin. A few things your swanky admissions office may have missed:
1. Excellent taste in most, if not all, areas. I don't know anyone else who appreciates both the genius Guillermo del Toro and the campy pleasures of Buffy and Degrassi. Also, impeccable taste in music, minus Modest Mouse. Yuck.
2. Several top honors in the Mockery Olympics. Some of these titles were earned in the doubles competition; her partner, of course, was me. This skill may seem irrelevant to you wine-sipping, collar-popping, tennis racquet-toting yuppie types, but the ability to mock some of the world's more annoying human beings (or not) is a very important life skill.
3. A healthy fear of disgusting animals, especially moray eels. Common sense.
4. Ability to bake delicious cookies. Also the owner of a panini maker, but don't say panini in front of her dad. In fact, why don't you just not say much of anything to her dad. He is not as groovy as she is. There you go, she has also overcome adversity!
5. Infinite patience. How else could someone manage to be my best friend for a whole decade?
In light of all this, I'm sure you lot will change your very conceited mind, but I also regret to inform you that it's too late. Ms. Martin has made her decision, and she will be staying right here in 300-days-of-sun-every-year (beat that, California!) Colorado, where we will have sleepovers every weekend and continue to be the very best of friends. Your pretentious halls have missed out on one of the world's more fabulous and amazing people, but it's no skin off mine: more Martin for me.
Disdainfully yours,
Emma Walker
3/24/2008
