18 August 2008
♥ [untitled]
I have been thinking all summer about how I will mark this day, this greatest and most independent day of my life thus far, on the blog that saw me through high school and perhaps some of the summer before it began. And today, tonight, has been exactly right, exactly perfect, exactly not what I expected but desperately hoped for.
With all my stuff around me, the pink lamp and the little terrarium with the coconut hut and the box of Cheerios I haven't found a place for yet, I am not sure if this feels like home or a hotel or a prolonged post-party crash site that I can't find a way to escape from. I'm not used to the noises of people tromping in at all hours (even before the hall is full of smelly boys) and the traffic (which I can't believe is still going on at this hour) and the skateboards, of which there seem to be millions in this town.
I was terrified when my mom left and suddenly, in two seconds flat, I was all alone. I wandered to the Quad and insisted to myself that I would be cheerful and make friends no matter what, even if it meant embarassing myself by going all-out in a stupid team-building game. I thought Donna was sort of obnoxious, telling all these stories about being all alone in India. I didn't believe her; she reminded me of a certain ex-boyfriend of mine, who is a pathological liar.
Cut to tonight, the end of the longest day of my life, when we bid Nick the Mentor goodnight and march off towards my building, where my new friends are to help me bring some groceries up to my room from my car. I hope that will be the end of it and we're off to get a good night's sleep (for Christ's sakes, it's 9:45 already!), but no such luck. Kim wants another smoke (American Spirits--are those really better for you?), and we wander off to her building, where I run into Rick with a birthday cake, how has he gotten so pleasant? He's lost weight, too, and he's real friendly, and for a second I am looking at the Rick I convinced to take me to prom, and then crushed when I couldn't get over myself long enough to see that I had found someone who liked me for ME, exactly me, even if he didn't know me well enough to see that some of me is not what you want to date. But alas, it's been a year and a half and he still seems to loathe me, and I can't just come out now and say all that shit I just wrote to him because he would think I'm an idiot, and you know what? I kind of am.
But I ended up with Matt, and he's pretty much perfect, and he's nice to me like Rick was, only it's just right because he really gets me, you know? Not just in a how I like my coffee way, in a what I want out of life way. Though the coffee one too, not coffee specifically although I'm guessing he would know I like a vanilla latte (skinny, duh) in the winter and a caramel frap no whip in the summer, more like if I went to the bathroom as we were ordering drinks he would get me an iced tea if I felt fat (he can always tell, why does he put up with me?) or a coke if I was kind of nervous (it tastes better with calories) which happens a lot lately, since I've been thinking about this very day a lot, or a diet coke if I am just feeling normal. That kind of thing. He says if we break up it will be because I get sick of him or something, but I don't think we will. I don't know what else I could want! Maybe I am being naive, but I think there are worse things to be. But still, I feel bad about Rick.
My hermit crab, Bert II (the first one only lasted three days before two of his legs fell off, which apparently in crustacean-ese signifies death), is climbing all over the little coconut hut and the cute little ceramic swimming pool I bought him and filled with distilled water so they weren't poisoned by noxious chlorine, and I can't believe how entertained I am by this little tiny creature that doesn't seem to be eat much more than one of those little pellets you feed rabbits and guinea pigs in a day. How big are their stomachs? Do they have stomachs? Do they have brains? What a tiny brain!
But anyway, we saw a fox try to kill a goose after we ran into Rick, did I mention that went well? Not for the fox though, I screamed--"Oh my GAWD!"--and the goose realized its life was in danger and hopped into the pond. Can foxes swim? If so, apparently they can't hunt and swim at the same time, because Canada P. Goose escaped with his life, thanks to me.
Then we went back to the Hill, even though we already went there to smoke hookah with Nick the Mentor, and Donna led us to the convenience store that is open and makes subs or hummus or something until 2 a.m., and while Kim and I were talking about how delicious those Snickers ice cream things sound, Donna went up and introduced us to a guy and his girlfriend, Kristy, who he says is the best girlfriend in the world, which is really sweet, and he said meet him outside and we'd go to his friend's house and work something out.
Twenty minutes later, we're heading into this little house that is like a block from campus and I am scolding myself for being surprised that these four snowboarders can afford the rent there, I'm so judgemental! I should work on that. But anyway, then we're in Donna's van, and the windows are closed and I'm ready for bed but I go along with it anyway, and I even end up paying her $10 as we depart, because I figure it's good to make friends and she'll think I'm an asshole if I just let her pay for everything.
But in the van, suddenly her curls look more bouncy and alive than before, and her stories are inspiring and I can't believe that she is so independent ("I don't want any safety nets!" she proclaims), and I feel really, really lucky. Donna is kind of a hippie and Kim has blue hair and her lip pierced, and I am nothing like either of them. I work at Abercrombie & Fitch, for Christ's sakes. Why are they accepting me? Donna says she doesn't believe there's any such thing as a hippie or a prep and all that. She says we're all kind of the same, in most ways. She said it much better. Each decision she makes seems sort of big and life-changing, and I await her response knowing that whatever it is, I will be impressed.
I love college so far, but I'm not sure how my first sleeping experience will be. In any case, this will all look really stupid and probably incoherent this is in the morning, but I think I am obligated to leave it up. I have to remember this day somehow, and I guess I'm stuck with this. I am no Hunter S. Thompson, but I am ready to begin the rest of my life, and I think I'm up for whatever comes with it.
8/18/2008
