30 December 2008
♥ i have spent too long being miserable
I have spent too many nights lying awake thinking about how angry I am. He did this to me, and to Leah, and to god knows who else, and it kills me to know that he's getting away with it. Every time I think about it, about what he did, about how he betrayed me and my closest friends, I want to scream and cry and tell the whole world what a filthy, disgusting liar he is.
But the people who matter know what happened, and I can't keep letting my resentment eat me alive. No matter what he tells everyone, I know he has to live with what he's done (with the monster he's become) every day.
The problem is, I'm not sure how to start moving on. I know how to get over a breakup, I've learned to pay my respects and remember the happier times when a loved one dies, I have lost people I thought were my friends come out better for it. But this is not the same. Not worse or better, just different, like nothing I have ever experienced. He is not my ex; he is a horrific and traumatizing event that took place over two and a half years of my life. No one died, though I feel like a part of me has. He was once my closest friend, but I know I am much healthier without him.
So what am I missing? I have wonderful friends, a supportive family, and, for the first time in my life, a boyfriend who loves me no matter what. But I feel like there is this great big hole, this big dark thing that I have to carry around with me all the time. I have to let this go, but I don't know where to begin. I have spent too long being so angry, but I can't let this consume me anymore.
I'm off to Dallas first thing tomorrow morning. It's probably not the first place I'd choose to clear my head--I would always prefer sunny beaches and temperatures in the mid-80s (preferably with much less humidity than one typically finds in Texas)--but I suppose it's the company you're in that matters most.
And to two of my very short list of readers (you know who you are), I hope you know that I realize how lucky I am that you both stuck with me when it happened and through this whole horrible thing. I love you both so much.
12/30/2008
