22 October 2005

♥ Universal Annoyances

Here are some things that I've been thinking annoy me:

That Barry Manilow didn't write his hit "I Write the Songs."
The tiny percentage of times that a song dedication on the radio is actually heard by the person it's being dedicated to.
Having something valid to interject into the conversation of two nearby strangers but knowing that society prohibits such behavior.
When your thigh rubs against a leather chair, emitting a loud, ripping noise and every time you rub your leg against it again in an attempt to make the same noise to prove to the public that it wasn't a fart, it sounds nothing like the initial noise.
That despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the myth that hammocks are comfortable for napping somehow endures.
When the brief thrill of making the yellow light ends and you're bored again.
When the person you are waving hello to doesn't see you waving, but catches you awkwardly retracting the wave.
Getting a "Q" at the end of a Scrabble game when all the "U"s and blanks are gone.
How Lincoln Logs fool children into thinking it's easy to build a log cabin.
The unfortunate unfashionability of earmuffs.
That it's no longer acceptable for sailors to skip down the street whistling show tunes.
Wondering, based on his answers, if the guy you're copying from could actually know less than you.
People who insist that celery has no taste.
That no one will ever care to distinguish between your "early work" and your "later periods."
The myth that scaring the crap out of someone can eliminate their hiccups.
Concentrating so hard on a test that you can't understand what you're reading.
DJs who, as a song ends, repeat its most cliched line as if it's profound.
Not wanting to do something, but not wanting to not do it.
When you yell to your mother to ask her if she's seen something you've misplaced, and she calls back, "It's wherever you left it, honey!"
When you can't remember the original topic of converstion, which is far more engaging than the one you're stuck on now.
Becoming nauseous from eating too much raw cookie dough.
When all your Cracker Jacks have melted into one big Jack.
Knowing that your friend who screens her calls is probably listening as you leave a message.
That we use words like "testicle" and "vagina" to describe genitalia and wonder why so many English-speaking people have issues with sex.
When your heart skips a beat, reminding you of its eventual failure.
The futility of going back to sleep in an attempt to finish a great dream.
Realizing that you were wearing the same outfit the last time you hung out with this person.
When a teacher erases the entire blackboard but misses one prominent mark.
When your eyes instinctively dart to the side because the guy across the aisle caught you staring at him, heightening your urge to look one last time. So you slowly pan your eyes back, only to be caught again, further intensifying both your desire to peek again and your fear of getting caught a third time.
A menu item described as "gently nestled."
Wondering who was rude enough to leave an empty roll of toilet paper and then remembering it was you.
When everyone knows that the only reason you weren't picked last is because your best friend is one of the captains.
When your favorite book becomes a movie and you can't find a copy without Tobey Maguire's face on the cover.
When there are lots of mosquitoes, wondering whether to say "I'm going to put Off on" or "I'm going to put on Off."
Being the last person to stop applauding.
When someone tells you you don't take criticism well and you truly know they're wrong.
Coffee chains that expect you to call a small cup of coffee "tall."

That's obviously not all that annoys me. But a good bit of it. Really all that I can put in words at the moment.

♥ the best is yet to be.
10/22/2005

21 October 2005

E1eMeNt4l (7:07:29 PM): seks
titothegreat2008 (7:07:38 PM): lies and videotape
titothegreat2008 (7:07:43 PM): drugs and rock-n-roll
E1eMeNt4l (7:07:52 PM): umm... coffee and bookstores?
titothegreat2008 (7:08:05 PM): sex, coffee and bookstores?
titothegreat2008 (7:08:12 PM): wow, you like your sex with a side of class
E1eMeNt4l (7:08:32 PM): i know, i not only give you the best ride of your life, i clean up too

♥ the best is yet to be.
10/21/2005

♥ At Least You're Not a Truffle Pig

Consider, if you will, the common truffle pig. I'm talking the French sort. You know, those pigs that have to spent their entire piggy lives searching for truffles. Now, as you read, think about your problems and consider this: at least you're not a truffle pig.

Think of something yummy. Now, if you were a truffle pig, you would spend your days looking high and low for the yummiest thing you could think of. And when, after many long hours of searching with your little piggy nose, you finally found that delicious morsel, a truffle farmer would whap you on the nose with a big stick so that you could not eat it and also probably just for good measure and take it away from you. He would just take that yummy thing! And in the bargain, in the bargain, he would feed you slop for dinner.

And not only would your life be completely meaningless and spent in search of truffles and, of course, longing for the truffled woods of your wasted youth, but you would feel positively hollow when you consider the fact that the only thing standing between you as you are and you as a Jimmy Dean Pork Sausage is your very acute sense of smell. You're not even cute - truffle pigs are ugly. And if they don't produce a substantial amount of truffles, they are transformed into ham, sausage, or some other type of pork product.

Aren't you glad you're not a truffle pig?

P.S. I'm a vegetarian, so you can't even call me a hypocrite. So there.

P.P.S. I don't eat truffles either, and it's not because I don't like the French.

♥ the best is yet to be.
10/21/2005

11 October 2005

♥ Life-Ruiners

Okay, God, you win! Guys, I think all this Christian-bashing must have finally gotten back to God, because it's looking like he's setting little booby traps for me all over the place. Jeez. Ack! So I know this is probably getting a little repetitive, but here's a list of things that are, at present, really pissing me off.

Incompetence: Ack! There is nothing more annoying than group projects, especially when people feign helplessness. I mean, come on, we're talking in terms of AP classes here... no one is ACTUALLY stupid. Just lazy. Or... okay, fine, maybe a little stupid.
Hypocrites: Gah! Here's something annoying: when people lecture you on something they do themselves. F'risntance, say you had a friend that suddenly tried to make you feel like a bad person for dating their ex-boyfriend. I mean, just suppose. But what if they're dating your ex-boyfriend too?! Eh? EH? That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Or what if they tell you you've become preppy and are wearing too much makeup BUT they wear clothes exclusively of Aeropostale, American Eagle, Abercrombie, and various other very alphabetical preppy brands? And wear so much makeup that people say, "Wow, she'd be pretty if she didn't wear so much goddamned makeup!" Or what if they're so immature that they write you little stories (not-so-cleverly designed as notes) instead of talking to you to your face and then bitch at you for being mad and not telling them about it. Just supposing, this is. Entirely hypothetical. Whoops, almost said hypocritical.
Immaturity: Argh! Okay, I know we touched on this in the "Hypocrites" bit, but I just have a wee bit more to say. I'm not pretending to be mature. In fact, I often quote the ancient Blink-182ian proverb, "Youth may be fleeting, but, when properly preserved, immaturity can last forever." I'm all about the immaturity. But there's a fine line between immature and downright obnoxious. No, scratch that, there's a big, fat, glow-in-the-dark line. And writing a three-page note / story to someone about how they're preppy now and you don't like them because they're dating your ex-boyfriend and they're no longer following you around and fawning over you definitely crosses it. A number of times. I mean, this crosses the line, goes back across it and does a jig, and then recrosses the line. Several times.
Mormons: Just kidding. I like all the mormons I know, and that includes Donny Osmond (who, at age 47, is a grandfather). But I'm pretty sure Joe - a.k.a. "The Stormin' Mormon" told God about me.
Stop-Motion Filming: Ever since we watched that video in art, the idea that it takes 24 frames to make one second of a film is completely jostling my very brains. Seriously, it's freaking me out. Just the thought of readjusting a little clay figuring 240987934876982 times (that's a rough approximation, mind you... meaning I tapped the number side of the keyboard until a satisfactory number of digits was reached) makes me want to scream. Especially because I know that as soon as I would touch the little thing, it would crumble and I'd have to start all over. Stupid claymation is ruining my life. I like Wallace and Grommit, though.
Neopolitan Ice Cream: I want some. Why is there none in my freezer? You know what, though, if I think about it long enough I won't want it anymore, because it'll get me to thinking about how the chocolate in Neopolitan Ice Cream is always low-quality. Gross.
The shirt I'm wearing: is itchy.
I'm tired: and cranky.
Who even says cranky?
Your mom.
My mom.
Your mom's mom.

Okay, clearly, I'm losing my touch. I'm gonna hit the hay before I write something that will make my want to bury my head like an ostrich the next time I read this. Because ostriches are scary. Like, I'm terrified of chickens (any other foul, too, really, though I've never found ducks to be quite so intimidating), and ostriches are essentially... not chicken-like. But that's not the point. They're huge, and they could probably peck you to death, plus any animal that regularly charges people is scary. And their eggs are big. Who even thought of having giant flightless birds? Like, did someone on the Animal Inventing Committee just go, "Okay, we've got these little birds that can fly, and we've got some little birds that don't fly, so what the hell? Let's have some really big birds that run around laying eggs and charging stuff. Actually, while we're at it, let's give them a really dumb name, like 'ostrich' or 'emu.' Ooh, I like both of those... let's have one kind of bird and call half of them emus and half of them ostriches and pretend there's a difference just so non-zoologists who don't know the secret feel really dumb. All in favor, say 'aye!'"?

I'm losing my train of thought. Signing out.

♥ the best is yet to be.
10/11/2005

07 October 2005

♥ Janet Zamboni and How She Continues to Ruin My Life

If you ask me, the most important purpose of a blog is to complain about things that piss you off. So why update when nothing is really pissing me off? Because I've been pretty happy lately.

But then a terrible plague entered my life, something comparable to Yoko Ono bringing down the Beatles, except it's not like I'm giving up music genius just to have my very own personal Venus (ten points to you if you know what song that's from). Also, no one thinks I'm bigger than Jesus.

If there's something that bothers me more than uninformed Christians and people who write you story-type letters to end friendships (another ten points offered here, but it's not a song), it's people on the newspaper staff who are unqualified to be there.

Okay, backtrack. In order to be on the Spectator staff, you have to take Journalism first. It's only a semester-long course, but it's really essential - you learn the inverted pyramid style and, possibly of more importance, certain required elements of journalism (checking your facts, for instance). But said member of the staff has not taken journalism, and it is evident in his writing.

Which, for the record, sucks.

Like seriously. It's really bad.

I mean, I'm not pretending to be any kind of fantastic writer, but just because you can write a flowery English essay most certainly does not mean you're qualified to be on the staff of one of the most acclaimed high school newspapers in the state.

But if I may, it seems necessary here to go on a bit of a tangent. Janet Zamboni is ruining my life even after I've passed (with an A, I might add) her class. Because if it weren't for this self-important gremlin of a rapscallion, said member of Spectator staff would not be such. She recommended him, for the sake of Pete (may he rest in peace)! Apparently he writes well as far as English goes, though with his unfortunate inability to proofread his work or, for that matter, make it coherent, I find this hard to believe.

Anyway, I'm really pissed off. I mean, if he were a really excellent writer, his (lacking) people skills would be all but tolerable - the repetitive joke-telling, the sucking up, the extreme know-it-all attitude (could anything be more annoying than this?), and the constant mooching. But that's just the thing. Because there are a lot of really annoying people in the world who are really good at what they do. But he is not one of those people.

And not only is the writing itself horrocious, (thank you, Jenny) - for God's sake, ever heard of proofreading?! - but he doesn't check his damn facts! You can't just go around calling people "sophmores" (that's right, there's no "o" there on purpose, because that's how he thinks it's spelled!) when they're really not! And if it's a team of boys, it's not the "boy's team" - that would be the team of the boy. It's the boys' team, which is the team belonging to the boys. And you can't just guess how many runners were at a cross-country meet (that's right, there's a hyphen), you have to find out for sure. Because that's what journalists do. They don't just say, "There must have been at least 400 runners." Beause anyone can go to a cross-country meet and be like, "Yeah, I bet 400 guys ran in that race." The point of journalism is to INFORM people so they know the FACTS. Not the approximate guesstimations of stupid unqualified morons.

MORAL: Have a general idea of what the hell you're doing if you ever write for a newspaper. And if you don't, don't pretend you do. Just do.

♥ the best is yet to be.
10/07/2005

22 October 2005

♥ Universal Annoyances

21 October 2005

♥ MARC IS AMAZING

♥ At Least You're Not a Truffle Pig

11 October 2005

♥ Life-Ruiners

07 October 2005

♥ Janet Zamboni and How She Continues to Ruin My Life

♥ yours truly. ;

♥ linkity-link

♥ Thank you

♥ Past