30 December 2008
♥ i have spent too long being miserable
I have spent too many nights lying awake thinking about how angry I am. He did this to me, and to Leah, and to god knows who else, and it kills me to know that he's getting away with it. Every time I think about it, about what he did, about how he betrayed me and my closest friends, I want to scream and cry and tell the whole world what a filthy, disgusting liar he is.
But the people who matter know what happened, and I can't keep letting my resentment eat me alive. No matter what he tells everyone, I know he has to live with what he's done (with the monster he's become) every day.
The problem is, I'm not sure how to start moving on. I know how to get over a breakup, I've learned to pay my respects and remember the happier times when a loved one dies, I have lost people I thought were my friends come out better for it. But this is not the same. Not worse or better, just different, like nothing I have ever experienced. He is not my ex; he is a horrific and traumatizing event that took place over two and a half years of my life. No one died, though I feel like a part of me has. He was once my closest friend, but I know I am much healthier without him.
So what am I missing? I have wonderful friends, a supportive family, and, for the first time in my life, a boyfriend who loves me no matter what. But I feel like there is this great big hole, this big dark thing that I have to carry around with me all the time. I have to let this go, but I don't know where to begin. I have spent too long being so angry, but I can't let this consume me anymore.
I'm off to Dallas first thing tomorrow morning. It's probably not the first place I'd choose to clear my head--I would always prefer sunny beaches and temperatures in the mid-80s (preferably with much less humidity than one typically finds in Texas)--but I suppose it's the company you're in that matters most.
And to two of my very short list of readers (you know who you are), I hope you know that I realize how lucky I am that you both stuck with me when it happened and through this whole horrible thing. I love you both so much.
12/30/2008
♥ today i love:
♥ Sitting in the 8th row at the Avs game with my beloved friend Jojo Mac.
♥ Smutty romance novels to be read on the plane tomorrow.
♥ The smell of my new PINK perfume.
♥ The fact that my new jeans are cute AND slimming!
♥ Forty Hottest Hotties of the 90s on VH1.
♥ Make that VH1 in general.
♥ Catching up with Leah (though I wish I could see her more often!)
♥ The fact that my hair looks almost as cute as "the Rachel" today.
♥ "The Rachel"; Jennifer Aniston.
♥ Hugging my dogs after seeing Marley & Me.
♥ 3OH!3; the excitement of seeing them live in 19 days.
♥ My lingering hope that it will be warmer in Dallas.
12/30/2008
28 December 2008
♥ vacationing with your boyfriend's family seems like kind of a big step
I hope I am mature enough to withstand six days of family togetherness with someone else's family... But if all else fails, at least I will have a certain boy there to keep me company.
12/28/2008
27 December 2008
♥ update!
Thanks to a mistake on the part of my sociology professor (now corrected), I actually have a 3.67 now! What a pleasant surprise... That means almost straight As; who would have guessed it?
12/27/2008
♥ ode to working out
I hate exercise
it's absolutely awful
but I'm getting fat
I'm off to the gym
this is like torture for me
but, I will slim down
12/27/2008
25 December 2008
♥ there, that's better!
667 is a less disconcerting sort of number. On that note, a merry Christmas to all! (And, for my Jewish readers--all two of you!--I hope you are enjoying your Hanukkah, which I believe started on Sunday, or perhaps Monday? Are there any pagan readers out there? I hope you lot had a lovely solstice on Sunday. Aren't I cultured?!) Anyway, I'm off to enjoy way too much food and hopefully be allowed some wine, as all this family togetherness gets me wound a little tight. Love you all!
12/25/2008
♥ my 666th post?!
On Christmas? This seems like a bad omen...
12/25/2008
24 December 2008
♥ dear sore throat,
Is this really a good time? Really?
Sincerely,
Emma
12/24/2008
23 December 2008
♥ one semester down
A 3.52 is better than my GPA any semester of high school, and I am pretty happy with it.
12/23/2008
♥ shit!
Short hair is much lower maintenance, they told me. Hardly any work at all. But that is not true. Making my newly short hair not look like shit is a challenge in itself, and making it actually look cute is proving to be somewhat impossible.
12/23/2008
22 December 2008
♥ wrapping, check!
Now if only Kayla's present would arrive, I would be all set for Christmas!
12/22/2008
♥ i must be the most un-motivated person alive
I have to get back in shape over break so I don't go back to school a gigantic cow. Unfortunately, I'm not good with the whole self-control thing when it comes to holiday snacking, and it seems the Emma train is wholeheartedly barreling toward obesity..
12/22/2008
21 December 2008
♥ confession of the day
When I see people throwing their cigarette butts out the window, I have an almost uncontrollable urge to ram into their car. Due to the potentially life-threatening injuries I would most likely sustain, I typically manage to refrain.
12/21/2008
20 December 2008
♥ i think it worked better this time!
Lesson learned: do NOT cut your hair 3 days before your senior pictures. Other than that, experimenting with one's length is not such a bad idea!12/20/2008
19 December 2008
♥ finally friday
AHHH I have to get out of this office!
12/19/2008
18 December 2008
♥ confession of the day
When I see in the movie credits that the character has the same name as the actor who played him, I assume said actor is mentally challenged in some way, and can only answer to cues when they are addressed to that name.
12/18/2008
17 December 2008
♥ i don't think a teacher has ever said that to me before!
"FYI, you made the highest grade on the exam and the highest grade in the class. I'm very proud of you."
12/17/2008
♥ only one more final
And my first semester of college is officially OVER.
12/17/2008
16 December 2008
♥ i have always wondered who wrote that
I don't know what it was, but at that time in my life, nothing had ever brought so much hope. Whoever wrote "THE BEST IS YET TO BE" on the floor of Senior Hall probably doesn't know what a huge impact their words had on my life, but there is one person who understands. I have never been so grateful to have such a wonderful best friend.
Thank you for being there even when I didn't deserve it. I'm so lucky.
12/16/2008
15 December 2008
♥ i am so bad at being a grown up!
I have been at the office for something like six and a half hours, and I still have an hour and a half to go. I think I will throw myself out a window if I ever have to do this every day.
12/15/2008
14 December 2008
♥ hormones much?!
I always feel like such a tool when those touchy-feely 9News stories make me cry.
12/14/2008
♥ a solid B in science...?
Considering my history with science, I'd say that's quite impressive! I'm hoping it doesn't turn out to be some kind of cruel, heinous mistake.
12/14/2008
13 December 2008
♥ i hate being stressed!
Why does my hair get oily so fast? Why does my skin feel like it's about to burst? Why have I had a headache for a solid week now? Why do I feel like I want to jump out a window?
I'll tell you why. Fuck, I never actually learned this shit.
12/13/2008
♥ global thermohaline circulation
Yeah, I don't really know what that is either.
12/13/2008
12 December 2008
♥ ode to college
O why must I live in a dorm?
I hear my roommate's constant porn
And she just smells so bad
(Can you say bachelor pad?!)
It looks as though there's been a storm.
And the food, you see, is even worse
Eating it, I'll end up in a hearse
And that horrible smell!
What's in it? Don't tell!
Stock up on cereal in my purse.
But finals week is here at last
The semester has not gone so fast
So I'll study away
Til my brain turns to... clay?
And finals, finally, will have passed.
I've got 7 semesters of this
(If I don't go to grad school, that is)
I can't wait to grow up;
I don't enjoy King's Cup,
And college, so far, isn't bliss.
But it's best not to grow up too soon
and although I cannot wait for June
I like my new friends
and the letters mom sends
and someday I'll sleep until noon.
I hear my roommate's constant porn
And she just smells so bad
(Can you say bachelor pad?!)
It looks as though there's been a storm.
And the food, you see, is even worse
Eating it, I'll end up in a hearse
And that horrible smell!
What's in it? Don't tell!
Stock up on cereal in my purse.
But finals week is here at last
The semester has not gone so fast
So I'll study away
Til my brain turns to... clay?
And finals, finally, will have passed.
I've got 7 semesters of this
(If I don't go to grad school, that is)
I can't wait to grow up;
I don't enjoy King's Cup,
And college, so far, isn't bliss.
But it's best not to grow up too soon
and although I cannot wait for June
I like my new friends
and the letters mom sends
and someday I'll sleep until noon.
12/12/2008
11 December 2008
♥ i love my birthday!
I have some of the most amazing friends in the whole wide world. Even though I am stressed out of my mind about finals week, today reminded me how lucky I really am.
Thanks, guys! ♥
12/11/2008
07 December 2008
♥ what an excellent birthday weekend!
Even though 19 isn't really a big deal, I love that I get to be the princess this week. (Although I don't really understand why I am not considered royalty for the other fifty-odd weeks of the year.)
Oh, and to a particularly thoughtful boy: thank you for making this weekend extra special!
12/07/2008
05 December 2008
♥ good thing it's friday
♥ My birthday is next week!
X I kind of want to kill my roommate.
♥ Only 2 more weeks til break!
X Have I mentioned that my roommate is a disgusting pig?
♥ Lunch with my grandma today!
X I can't even hear myself think because SOMEONE is snoring so loudly.
♥ My friends are fabulous.
X Why doesn't she ever go to class?
♥ New hair stuff minimizes static! I hate when my hair is staticky (sp?)
X I can barely get to my side of the room because of all the crap I have to wade through.
This is getting so old.
12/05/2008
04 December 2008
♥ i still can't wait to get out of this room
But I like college this week.
12/04/2008
03 December 2008
♥ shhh!
I bought a delicious smelling candle tonight and I've been burning it since I got back to my room. For once, it doesn't smell like taquitos in here!
...too bad candles are not allowed in the dorms.
12/03/2008
02 December 2008
♥ i am not a morning person
It probably doesn't help that I couldn't sleep last night because I looked over to see that my roommate was banging some boy. God. That is so gross.
12/02/2008
