31 January 2008
♥ it's not quite official yet
but I finally got my letter from CU today. It's funny how much news you already knew was on its way can brighten your day.
1/31/2008
♥ sometimes, when you are feeling discouraged,
all you need is a reminder that you are friends with one of the cooler people at Richmond, even if she does live on the other side of the world.
1/31/2008
♥ like polar bears
It makes me sad to think about all the things my children may never see. Thanks a bunch, Ms. Talle.
1/31/2008
30 January 2008
♥ i guess being left behind is what this year is all about.
There was a miserable if rather short-lived period in my life when I had myself completely convinced that love did not exist. If everything is always changing, I rationalized, how could this be reconciled with love, that which is supposed to be forever, unconditional, without limits or boundaries? How could war and torture and the suffering of mankind at the hands of other men be justified? Why do half of all marriages today end in divorce?
Since then, I have learned some valuable lessons. I don't think it's fair to say that love doesn't exist, because despite that it cannot be rationalized or attached to a number or beaten to death at the hands of logic, it is one of the few things in this mixed-up world that makes any sense at all. More than 50% of marriages in the United States will end before death does us part, but haven't my parents stayed together for more than a quarter of a century? Don't babies find homes when before they had no place, don't people find their niches, don't we feel compassion for those who are not as lucky as us?
More than any of that, though, I am having a hard time understanding friendship. It is more universal than anything I can imagine; friendships can be formed under the direst or the best of circumstances. But just as when romance is involved, these relationships require more maintenance after a few years or months than they did in the beginning.
Maybe I invest my fragile little heart more than I should, but friendship these days seems as complex and nonsensical as ever. The end of a relationship has caused me to feel more heartbroken than I ever thought possible, more than I ever thought I could again, but I was wrong. The heartbreak that comes with the end of a friendship is just as bad, maybe worse, than losing a boyfriend. After a heinous breakup, who cheers us up? Our friends, of course. The people that are always there for us. But when we lose a friend, what is left? The simple truth of the matter is that girls are too catty to just sympathize without negativity. The boys that leave us are, of course, not good enough for us, but when our friends leave us, there is no explanation of comparable simplicity.
I often slip into bitterness about the friends I wasn't good enough for, but then I remember that things have a way of working themselves out. Disloyalty has brought about the end of more than one friendship, but sometimes we find a friend who remains loyal to us long after we have used up all plausible chances, because their love for us is unconditional. Kayla and I have screwed up more times than I think either of us cares to recall, but nearly a decade later, I still consider her my other half. I don't know what I would do without the best friend with whom I have laughed, cried, and experienced every emotion in between.
Perhaps the problem is that more than friendship, I have a hard time understanding people. I would be a hypocrite if I asked "Why all the sneaking around?" because I've done my fair share of that to avoid conflict and confrontation. But what happens when you have a friend who is so pathologically terrified of confrontation that they simply won't tell you when they're mad? As shitty as it feels to confront a friend or to be confronted by one, in the end I've learned that it solves a lot more than can be accomplished by telling everyone else that you're mad.
In fact, I guess I can answer my own question. What happens is, your friendship with that person begins to implode, until neither of you answers the other's calls, until you are both bitter and angry, until neither of you understands how it began in the first place. So how do we go about fixing a problem like this? There's no such thing as "no more secrets." You can't force someone to change.
I don't know where to go from here, because for the first time in my life, I can't just do what I normally do: I can't ask my friends for help.
Since then, I have learned some valuable lessons. I don't think it's fair to say that love doesn't exist, because despite that it cannot be rationalized or attached to a number or beaten to death at the hands of logic, it is one of the few things in this mixed-up world that makes any sense at all. More than 50% of marriages in the United States will end before death does us part, but haven't my parents stayed together for more than a quarter of a century? Don't babies find homes when before they had no place, don't people find their niches, don't we feel compassion for those who are not as lucky as us?
More than any of that, though, I am having a hard time understanding friendship. It is more universal than anything I can imagine; friendships can be formed under the direst or the best of circumstances. But just as when romance is involved, these relationships require more maintenance after a few years or months than they did in the beginning.
Maybe I invest my fragile little heart more than I should, but friendship these days seems as complex and nonsensical as ever. The end of a relationship has caused me to feel more heartbroken than I ever thought possible, more than I ever thought I could again, but I was wrong. The heartbreak that comes with the end of a friendship is just as bad, maybe worse, than losing a boyfriend. After a heinous breakup, who cheers us up? Our friends, of course. The people that are always there for us. But when we lose a friend, what is left? The simple truth of the matter is that girls are too catty to just sympathize without negativity. The boys that leave us are, of course, not good enough for us, but when our friends leave us, there is no explanation of comparable simplicity.
I often slip into bitterness about the friends I wasn't good enough for, but then I remember that things have a way of working themselves out. Disloyalty has brought about the end of more than one friendship, but sometimes we find a friend who remains loyal to us long after we have used up all plausible chances, because their love for us is unconditional. Kayla and I have screwed up more times than I think either of us cares to recall, but nearly a decade later, I still consider her my other half. I don't know what I would do without the best friend with whom I have laughed, cried, and experienced every emotion in between.
Perhaps the problem is that more than friendship, I have a hard time understanding people. I would be a hypocrite if I asked "Why all the sneaking around?" because I've done my fair share of that to avoid conflict and confrontation. But what happens when you have a friend who is so pathologically terrified of confrontation that they simply won't tell you when they're mad? As shitty as it feels to confront a friend or to be confronted by one, in the end I've learned that it solves a lot more than can be accomplished by telling everyone else that you're mad.
In fact, I guess I can answer my own question. What happens is, your friendship with that person begins to implode, until neither of you answers the other's calls, until you are both bitter and angry, until neither of you understands how it began in the first place. So how do we go about fixing a problem like this? There's no such thing as "no more secrets." You can't force someone to change.
I don't know where to go from here, because for the first time in my life, I can't just do what I normally do: I can't ask my friends for help.
1/30/2008
♥ it's not like we're gonna learn anything
Normally, I would most definitely sleep right through math this morning... I hate when my mom's not working.
1/30/2008
29 January 2008
♥ there is no "i" in "team"
I can't stand it when he's anything but happy... I hate nights like this. Stupid hockey.
1/29/2008
28 January 2008
♥ i can't believe
that I am seriously considering going out for lacrosse. I think a team sport would be fun! Plus it would give me the opportunity to make endless ball-and-shaft jokes...
1/28/2008
27 January 2008
♥ there are a million reasons to forget about this
But there's an even bigger one to remember everything, and I think that's why I'm still stuck in the past.
1/27/2008
25 January 2008
♥ i'm a black magic woman
So why is everything so boring?
1/25/2008
♥ this is a really stupid fight
and I'm sooooo sick of it. Everybody makes mistakes, especially me, but that wasn't one of them. I'm so done with this whole thing and I wish it could just be forgotten.
1/25/2008
24 January 2008
♥ i love you, too.
"You are my truckstop on the highway of having to pee really bad."
1/24/2008
♥ a new beginning.
I've spent so much of my life trying to be perfect. I don't think I'm much smarter than the average person, but I think I've had an advantage since I was very small because I have parents who care about me and want to help me succeed.
Unfortunately, however, it's impossible to be perfect all the time, and when someone points that out to you, it's tough to keep going. I spent my sophomore and junior years feeling like a rock star: I got along with nearly everyone, I didn't have braces anymore (this was bigger for my self-confidence than I think some people realized... I had BIG braces), and boys seemed to be knocking down my door. I was living the charmed life.
But somewhere in there, I started taking things for granted. Friends, how easy school was, getting along with my parents, the fabulous shape I was in (what I wouldn't give to weigh what I did when I was a sophomore...), everything.
Everyone has a breaking point. There's only so much one person can handle, and between a tough academic semester, a really difficult breakup, and clinical depression that left me unable to handle trivial day-to-day struggles, let alone major, life-changing things, I just lost it. I couldn't do it anymore.
That was almost a year ago, and since then, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure things out. A few more really shitty, unexpected things have happened since then, and I guess I've come to realize that I'm not really sure about anything anymore.
I've learned that people are not always who they seem to be.
But I haven't just learned that in a bad way, in a thanks for letting me down, asshole way. I've learned that first impressions, first appearances, are not always quite right. A beloved best friend can turn into the very thing you're trying to run away from. A gorgeous crush can turn into a manipulative jerk. The list goes on, but I think the point is that maybe the things I used to think about people aren't really fair.
So why have I been holding myself to this impossible standard? I would never refuse to be friends with someone because I thought they were too fat, or their hair was too frizzy, or they didn't always wear enough makeup. If I'm not that shallow, why should I assume everyone else is? My friends tell me it's my personality that matters, not the way I look, but for so long, I've assumed that no one would think to look for it if I didn't look a certain way.
It's not really fair that I should feel like this; I mean, so many people have stuck with me even after seeing me at my worst. Kayla knew me all through my awkward stage, Alexia's seen my gnarly hungover self about a million times, Kelsey has watched me sob through the end of a Plain White T's concert... For God's sake, Matt met me while I was wearing a not-so-sexy King Soopers uniform and liked me anyway! The people I love the most have remained my friends through thick and thin, and somehow, I am still convinced that I'm somehow not good enough.
So I've been thinking a lot lately: what's missing?
And there it is. The big question. The question I've been needing to ask myself for so long. Who else needs to love me before I can finally love myself? Who else needs to say it? Is one person's rejection going to permanently fuck things up for me? How many more times am I going to have to hear the words "you are beautiful" before I can finally believe them? What's it going to take?
I think it's going to take a lot of time, and I think I'm making my way there, slowly but surely. I've started to surround myself with people who influence me positively, because I don't ever, ever want to get back to that place.
Unfortunately, however, it's impossible to be perfect all the time, and when someone points that out to you, it's tough to keep going. I spent my sophomore and junior years feeling like a rock star: I got along with nearly everyone, I didn't have braces anymore (this was bigger for my self-confidence than I think some people realized... I had BIG braces), and boys seemed to be knocking down my door. I was living the charmed life.
But somewhere in there, I started taking things for granted. Friends, how easy school was, getting along with my parents, the fabulous shape I was in (what I wouldn't give to weigh what I did when I was a sophomore...), everything.
Everyone has a breaking point. There's only so much one person can handle, and between a tough academic semester, a really difficult breakup, and clinical depression that left me unable to handle trivial day-to-day struggles, let alone major, life-changing things, I just lost it. I couldn't do it anymore.
That was almost a year ago, and since then, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure things out. A few more really shitty, unexpected things have happened since then, and I guess I've come to realize that I'm not really sure about anything anymore.
I've learned that people are not always who they seem to be.
But I haven't just learned that in a bad way, in a thanks for letting me down, asshole way. I've learned that first impressions, first appearances, are not always quite right. A beloved best friend can turn into the very thing you're trying to run away from. A gorgeous crush can turn into a manipulative jerk. The list goes on, but I think the point is that maybe the things I used to think about people aren't really fair.
So why have I been holding myself to this impossible standard? I would never refuse to be friends with someone because I thought they were too fat, or their hair was too frizzy, or they didn't always wear enough makeup. If I'm not that shallow, why should I assume everyone else is? My friends tell me it's my personality that matters, not the way I look, but for so long, I've assumed that no one would think to look for it if I didn't look a certain way.
It's not really fair that I should feel like this; I mean, so many people have stuck with me even after seeing me at my worst. Kayla knew me all through my awkward stage, Alexia's seen my gnarly hungover self about a million times, Kelsey has watched me sob through the end of a Plain White T's concert... For God's sake, Matt met me while I was wearing a not-so-sexy King Soopers uniform and liked me anyway! The people I love the most have remained my friends through thick and thin, and somehow, I am still convinced that I'm somehow not good enough.
So I've been thinking a lot lately: what's missing?
And there it is. The big question. The question I've been needing to ask myself for so long. Who else needs to love me before I can finally love myself? Who else needs to say it? Is one person's rejection going to permanently fuck things up for me? How many more times am I going to have to hear the words "you are beautiful" before I can finally believe them? What's it going to take?
I think it's going to take a lot of time, and I think I'm making my way there, slowly but surely. I've started to surround myself with people who influence me positively, because I don't ever, ever want to get back to that place.
1/24/2008
23 January 2008
♥ such a sexy, sexy, pretty little thing
I don't deserve you unless
it's some kind of hidden message
to show me life is precious
Then I guess it's true
But to tell truth,
I really never knew
Til I met you...
See I was lost and confused
Twisted and used up
Knew a better life existed
but thought that I missed it
My lifestyle's wild
I was living like a wild child
Trapped on a short leash
paroled the police files
So yo what' s happening now?
I see the sun breaking down
into dark clouds
and a vision of you
s.t.a.n.d.i.n.g. out in a crowd.
Come my lady
Come come my lady
you're my b_u-t_t-e_r-f_l-y
Sugar baby
come my lady you're my
pretty baby
I'll make your legs shake
you make me go crazy
Hey sugar momma,
come and dance with me
The smartest thing you ever did
was take a chance with me
Whatever tickles your fancy
Girl it's you like Sid and Nancy
So sexy....almost evil
talkin' about butterflies in my head
I used to think happy endings
were only in the books I read but
you made me feel alive
when I was almost dead
You filled that empty space
with the love I used to chase
and as far as I can see
it don't get better than this
So butterfly
here's a song and
it's sealed with a kiss
[and a thank you miss]
it's some kind of hidden message
to show me life is precious
Then I guess it's true
But to tell truth,
I really never knew
Til I met you...
See I was lost and confused
Twisted and used up
Knew a better life existed
but thought that I missed it
My lifestyle's wild
I was living like a wild child
Trapped on a short leash
paroled the police files
So yo what' s happening now?
I see the sun breaking down
into dark clouds
and a vision of you
s.t.a.n.d.i.n.g. out in a crowd.
Come my lady
Come come my lady
you're my b_u-t_t-e_r-f_l-y
Sugar baby
come my lady you're my
pretty baby
I'll make your legs shake
you make me go crazy
Hey sugar momma,
come and dance with me
The smartest thing you ever did
was take a chance with me
Whatever tickles your fancy
Girl it's you like Sid and Nancy
So sexy....almost evil
talkin' about butterflies in my head
I used to think happy endings
were only in the books I read but
you made me feel alive
when I was almost dead
You filled that empty space
with the love I used to chase
and as far as I can see
it don't get better than this
So butterfly
here's a song and
it's sealed with a kiss
[and a thank you miss]
1/23/2008
22 January 2008
♥ i think i feel a cold coming on.
All I've got to say is that it may or may not be upcoming math test-induced.
1/22/2008
18 January 2008
♥ a rejection letter of my own.
Dear Ms. Park:
It is with little regret that I inform you that your services as a counselor will no longer be needed, effective immediately. Please clean out your office at the first possible opportunity, at which time I expect you will find my high school transcript and ACT scores, which you still have not managed to send to my top choice school. Despite the stress I'm sure you're experiencing at this time of year--the only time of year you ever have to do anything except shovel handfuls of candy from the bowl on your secretary's desk into your mouth--I feel that it would have been imperative for you to do the one job you're actually responsible for. Should you come across any of my important documents, please return them to me, or send them to CU, like you were supposed to in the first place, without delay.
With the utmost disdain and bitterness,
Emma
It is with little regret that I inform you that your services as a counselor will no longer be needed, effective immediately. Please clean out your office at the first possible opportunity, at which time I expect you will find my high school transcript and ACT scores, which you still have not managed to send to my top choice school. Despite the stress I'm sure you're experiencing at this time of year--the only time of year you ever have to do anything except shovel handfuls of candy from the bowl on your secretary's desk into your mouth--I feel that it would have been imperative for you to do the one job you're actually responsible for. Should you come across any of my important documents, please return them to me, or send them to CU, like you were supposed to in the first place, without delay.
With the utmost disdain and bitterness,
Emma
1/18/2008
14 January 2008
♥ i wish i didn't have to.
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “How can you do this to me?”
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah, ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
1/14/2008
13 January 2008
♥ forging ahead: a fiery fifteen.
1. Not having you in my life gets a little easier every day, but it's still not easy. I still miss you sometimes when I least expect it, but I guess that's what heartbreak does to a person. It makes me feel a little better to know that sometimes, when you don't really mean to, you catch yourself missing me, too.
2. You broke my heart too, but not in the same way. I wasn't in love with you anymore--if I ever really was--but I did love you. I did trust you. What makes me the angriest is how much I miss the old you, the good you, the sweet, gentle, caring you, and how that person has been replaced with some kind of monster. I hate how alone I feel when I know you're hanging out with my friends. I hate that I'm still angry and bitter about what you did to me, but I guess I'll always feel that way. Hoping you rot in hell isn't enough for me anymore, because no pain or suffering is more than you deserve.
3. I don't know how I got this lucky. It's nice to have a best friend who loves you no matter what, even when you don't deserve it. We don't always see eye to eye (especially when it comes to food, a topic on which you are always wrong and / or boys), but I guess that keeps things interesting. I guess being friend with someone for the majority of your life means you know them better than you know yourself, and to tell you the truth, I'm more than okay with that. Thanks for being my better half.
4. You're confusing and I'm not sure what to do with you. Part of me thinks it's me, and the other half insists that you're just straight-up crazy. Either way, as much as I love you, this friendship is a little scary to me: you're never the same two days in a row. I never know what your next move will be, and it's getting harder and harder to walk on eggshells all the time. I guess I'll just keep hanging on, because I'm not sure what else to do.
5. This one is always a little transparent, because I think everyone already knows exactly what I think of you. I think you're two-faced (which is a bummer because I don't even like looking at the one you already have) and fake, and I think you need to get some braces and maybe a sense of style. I hate your little voice and the things you make it say, especially because a lot of that is lies about me, and I hate your stupid pink boots and your monochromatic outfits and the way you stare at me in English. You are one of two, maybe three people in this world that I hate with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
6. Mock trial is a huge pain in my ass, and it's your fault. You're a terrible sponsor, and I think your little red sweaters are really ugly. I can't stand your little mousey voice, and I wish you'd use it to tell your dumb team to get their shit together, because the fact that you haven't done that yet means I spend a lot of time dealing with their bullshit. You're basically worthless.
7. I'm not mad at you, not like I was when I first found out. It's just that I can't help feeling like if you know I'm telling the truth, why would you want to be friends with him? I remember sitting you down and telling you everything that had happened, telling you that you never really had to end things with her, telling you that everything he'd told us had turned out to be a lie, and I saw it on your face: you knew the truth. So why are you going behind my back? Why are you lying to me? Why are you still his friend? Nothing compares to what he did to me, but your betrayal comes pretty close.
8. I know I've said it a million times, but you are who has helped me through this hell the most. It's not that no one else has tried; it's just that it's a hard thing to understand unless you've gone through it, and I wouldn't wish that one anyone. (Well, maybe #5; I think she's got it coming.) I can't believe you forgave me after the things I said to you. Even now, I'm not sure if I'd be able to do the same. But I admire you--so much so that just thinking about it makes me a little choked up--because rather than letting anger and bitterness take over your life, you've become a stronger, even cooler verson of your old self. I wish you didn't live in another state, but just knowing you're my friend is enough. I love you more than I think you will ever know.
9. I hate how you're always talking down to everybody. Why can't you just say something nice for a change? Not nice like, "You did almost as good as me!" Nice like, something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, without a you-related comparison. Nice like, no strings attached, not snide or sarcastic. Would that really be too much to ask? And as long as I'm asking favors, could you please not be in all my classes anymore?
10. As weird as this sounds, I'm beginning to feel like maybe our fates are sort of connected. I know I'm nothing like you, and as much as I'd kill for your rockin' bod, I'm not complaining about that. But what happened to you is just like what happened to me. I know it's hard to forget about him, even when he treats you like complete shit. Even when he blows you off, forgets you're supposed to hang out, talks about other girls in front of you, acts like you mean nothing to him, it's hard to forget how much you love him. I know. But as tough as it is to say the gig's up, I also know that nothing makes you feel better about yourself than knowing you're all you need to be happy. And someday, when you find that person who treats you like a princess and can't believe his luck to be with you, it will all be a distant memory. In the meantime, we just need to learn to be ourselves.
11. Talking to you at the game yesterday was the closest I've ever come to figuring you out. I hope you know it's okay to just let go and move on, even when the answer seems really clear. It's okay if you still love her, because I think that to some extent you always will. I think that's what happens when you love somebody. But I like this new girl; I think she'll be good for you. I think she's great. I think when you're young like we are, you should just live it up a little. And even if you did get fired yesterday, I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. It's hard for me to say it to your face, but I value our friendship more than I think you realize.
12. I love you so much I wanna get your name tattooed on my ass. Just kidding, having a poster of your gorgeous self right over my bed, while not the same as having you confess your undying love for me, will do for now.
13. Sometimes I wonder if you realize how much I miss you. The summer you moved to California was harder on me than I let on, partly because I didn't want to seem like a sentimental dork and partly because I didn't want to make it any harder on you than it had to be. I know we're not always in touch, because I guess that's what happens when people live far apart and are busy with their own lives, but I hope you know I consider you one of my best friends, and there isn't much (if anything) I wouldn't do for you. I love you like a sister, but with less fighting and more difference in brownness.
14. What are you thinking, hitting on your friend's sister?! That's right up there with your friend's ex on the list of people you shouldn't ever hit on. I can see if you were some kind of social retard or a middle schooler or something, but you have absolutely no excuse. You should probably just stay away from the aforementioned friend and his sister, because frankly, the last four years have done something to you that I really don't like.
15. I can't imagine what I did to convince the powers that be that I deserved you, but whatever it was, I guess it's something I did right. There's not much to it: our relationship isn't complicated or stressful; it's not messy and it doesn't keep me up at night, unless I'm thinking about how glad I am that you're all mine. While I think some things are better left unsaid, when we're the only two people in the world who know about them, I want everyone to know that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. You make me laugh, you make me weak in the knees, you cheer me up when it seems like things are at their worst. Thank you for just being you.
2. You broke my heart too, but not in the same way. I wasn't in love with you anymore--if I ever really was--but I did love you. I did trust you. What makes me the angriest is how much I miss the old you, the good you, the sweet, gentle, caring you, and how that person has been replaced with some kind of monster. I hate how alone I feel when I know you're hanging out with my friends. I hate that I'm still angry and bitter about what you did to me, but I guess I'll always feel that way. Hoping you rot in hell isn't enough for me anymore, because no pain or suffering is more than you deserve.
3. I don't know how I got this lucky. It's nice to have a best friend who loves you no matter what, even when you don't deserve it. We don't always see eye to eye (especially when it comes to food, a topic on which you are always wrong and / or boys), but I guess that keeps things interesting. I guess being friend with someone for the majority of your life means you know them better than you know yourself, and to tell you the truth, I'm more than okay with that. Thanks for being my better half.
4. You're confusing and I'm not sure what to do with you. Part of me thinks it's me, and the other half insists that you're just straight-up crazy. Either way, as much as I love you, this friendship is a little scary to me: you're never the same two days in a row. I never know what your next move will be, and it's getting harder and harder to walk on eggshells all the time. I guess I'll just keep hanging on, because I'm not sure what else to do.
5. This one is always a little transparent, because I think everyone already knows exactly what I think of you. I think you're two-faced (which is a bummer because I don't even like looking at the one you already have) and fake, and I think you need to get some braces and maybe a sense of style. I hate your little voice and the things you make it say, especially because a lot of that is lies about me, and I hate your stupid pink boots and your monochromatic outfits and the way you stare at me in English. You are one of two, maybe three people in this world that I hate with the fiery passion of a thousand suns.
6. Mock trial is a huge pain in my ass, and it's your fault. You're a terrible sponsor, and I think your little red sweaters are really ugly. I can't stand your little mousey voice, and I wish you'd use it to tell your dumb team to get their shit together, because the fact that you haven't done that yet means I spend a lot of time dealing with their bullshit. You're basically worthless.
7. I'm not mad at you, not like I was when I first found out. It's just that I can't help feeling like if you know I'm telling the truth, why would you want to be friends with him? I remember sitting you down and telling you everything that had happened, telling you that you never really had to end things with her, telling you that everything he'd told us had turned out to be a lie, and I saw it on your face: you knew the truth. So why are you going behind my back? Why are you lying to me? Why are you still his friend? Nothing compares to what he did to me, but your betrayal comes pretty close.
8. I know I've said it a million times, but you are who has helped me through this hell the most. It's not that no one else has tried; it's just that it's a hard thing to understand unless you've gone through it, and I wouldn't wish that one anyone. (Well, maybe #5; I think she's got it coming.) I can't believe you forgave me after the things I said to you. Even now, I'm not sure if I'd be able to do the same. But I admire you--so much so that just thinking about it makes me a little choked up--because rather than letting anger and bitterness take over your life, you've become a stronger, even cooler verson of your old self. I wish you didn't live in another state, but just knowing you're my friend is enough. I love you more than I think you will ever know.
9. I hate how you're always talking down to everybody. Why can't you just say something nice for a change? Not nice like, "You did almost as good as me!" Nice like, something that has absolutely nothing to do with you, without a you-related comparison. Nice like, no strings attached, not snide or sarcastic. Would that really be too much to ask? And as long as I'm asking favors, could you please not be in all my classes anymore?
10. As weird as this sounds, I'm beginning to feel like maybe our fates are sort of connected. I know I'm nothing like you, and as much as I'd kill for your rockin' bod, I'm not complaining about that. But what happened to you is just like what happened to me. I know it's hard to forget about him, even when he treats you like complete shit. Even when he blows you off, forgets you're supposed to hang out, talks about other girls in front of you, acts like you mean nothing to him, it's hard to forget how much you love him. I know. But as tough as it is to say the gig's up, I also know that nothing makes you feel better about yourself than knowing you're all you need to be happy. And someday, when you find that person who treats you like a princess and can't believe his luck to be with you, it will all be a distant memory. In the meantime, we just need to learn to be ourselves.
11. Talking to you at the game yesterday was the closest I've ever come to figuring you out. I hope you know it's okay to just let go and move on, even when the answer seems really clear. It's okay if you still love her, because I think that to some extent you always will. I think that's what happens when you love somebody. But I like this new girl; I think she'll be good for you. I think she's great. I think when you're young like we are, you should just live it up a little. And even if you did get fired yesterday, I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. It's hard for me to say it to your face, but I value our friendship more than I think you realize.
12. I love you so much I wanna get your name tattooed on my ass. Just kidding, having a poster of your gorgeous self right over my bed, while not the same as having you confess your undying love for me, will do for now.
13. Sometimes I wonder if you realize how much I miss you. The summer you moved to California was harder on me than I let on, partly because I didn't want to seem like a sentimental dork and partly because I didn't want to make it any harder on you than it had to be. I know we're not always in touch, because I guess that's what happens when people live far apart and are busy with their own lives, but I hope you know I consider you one of my best friends, and there isn't much (if anything) I wouldn't do for you. I love you like a sister, but with less fighting and more difference in brownness.
14. What are you thinking, hitting on your friend's sister?! That's right up there with your friend's ex on the list of people you shouldn't ever hit on. I can see if you were some kind of social retard or a middle schooler or something, but you have absolutely no excuse. You should probably just stay away from the aforementioned friend and his sister, because frankly, the last four years have done something to you that I really don't like.
15. I can't imagine what I did to convince the powers that be that I deserved you, but whatever it was, I guess it's something I did right. There's not much to it: our relationship isn't complicated or stressful; it's not messy and it doesn't keep me up at night, unless I'm thinking about how glad I am that you're all mine. While I think some things are better left unsaid, when we're the only two people in the world who know about them, I want everyone to know that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. You make me laugh, you make me weak in the knees, you cheer me up when it seems like things are at their worst. Thank you for just being you.
1/13/2008
10 January 2008
♥ gross!
They were totally right, I do look kind of fat on the morning announcments. Ewww.
1/10/2008
07 January 2008
♥ well i don't mind if you don't mind
'cause I don't shine if you don't shine
1/07/2008
05 January 2008
♥ on an entirely different subject,
I probably shouldn't read anonymous comments on Morgan's blog... It makes me kind of twitchy when people who are in college, you know, real live adults, are that immature.
When I'm mad at somebody for talking to my ex, which doesn't happen to me very often--you have to learn to do this thing called getting over it--I stay away from and ignore them rather than insisting on involving myself in their day-to-day life.
I'm sick of the "you don't understand, you've never been heartbroken!" thing, because the truth is that everyone experiences heartbreak. You can't tell me you were more in love, more rejected, more whatever, because it's all relative, isn't it? Even suffering. Even heartbreak.
The shitty part of love is afterwards, when you have to pick up the pieces and move on. It's okay to feel sad and lonely, it's okay to feel betrayed, but then you have to be happy with what you still do have--like friends and family or whatever gets you through the day--and find other ways to pretend to be happy, and after awhile you realize something:
You don't have to pretend anymore.
In the meantime, it's much healthier to stay away from the people who bring you down. Silly "anonymous," Morgan made that super easy for you by moving to a different continent, because obviously she doesn't really want to talk to you, either. Staying away from someone who lives in London shouldn't be that hard if you live in Denver. (Or Boulder, more specifically. Let's not play little mind games, though I know you love them; everyone knows who you are.)
Moral of the story: I don't really enjoy publishing angry posts for all to read, and maybe I should take my own advice and stay away from Morgan's blog so her anonymous harassers don't bother me. But I like Morgan, and I don't want to stop reading her blog. And since it is really meant for people who like her (people like me) I think all anonymouses should just stay away from it, is what I really think.
There.
When I'm mad at somebody for talking to my ex, which doesn't happen to me very often--you have to learn to do this thing called getting over it--I stay away from and ignore them rather than insisting on involving myself in their day-to-day life.
I'm sick of the "you don't understand, you've never been heartbroken!" thing, because the truth is that everyone experiences heartbreak. You can't tell me you were more in love, more rejected, more whatever, because it's all relative, isn't it? Even suffering. Even heartbreak.
The shitty part of love is afterwards, when you have to pick up the pieces and move on. It's okay to feel sad and lonely, it's okay to feel betrayed, but then you have to be happy with what you still do have--like friends and family or whatever gets you through the day--and find other ways to pretend to be happy, and after awhile you realize something:
You don't have to pretend anymore.
In the meantime, it's much healthier to stay away from the people who bring you down. Silly "anonymous," Morgan made that super easy for you by moving to a different continent, because obviously she doesn't really want to talk to you, either. Staying away from someone who lives in London shouldn't be that hard if you live in Denver. (Or Boulder, more specifically. Let's not play little mind games, though I know you love them; everyone knows who you are.)
Moral of the story: I don't really enjoy publishing angry posts for all to read, and maybe I should take my own advice and stay away from Morgan's blog so her anonymous harassers don't bother me. But I like Morgan, and I don't want to stop reading her blog. And since it is really meant for people who like her (people like me) I think all anonymouses should just stay away from it, is what I really think.
There.
1/05/2008
04 January 2008
♥ calendar girl
I dreamed I was dying
as I so often do
and when I awoke
I was sure it was true
I ran to the window
threw my head to the sky
and said,
Whoever is up there
please don't let me die
but I can't live forever
I can't always be
one day I'll be sand
on a beach by the sea
the pages keep turning
I'll mark off each day with a cross
and I'll laugh about all that we've lost
Seeing Leah always makes me remember how much I love Stars. Maybe I should start living it, instead of just listening to it.
1/04/2008
03 January 2008
♥ coooool
I love when CU sends me a letter
telling me to check my application status online
and I spend like twenty minutes
figuring out what all the numbers mean
and it finally lets me see
and it tells me exactly what it said
in the letter.
telling me to check my application status online
and I spend like twenty minutes
figuring out what all the numbers mean
and it finally lets me see
and it tells me exactly what it said
in the letter.
1/03/2008
01 January 2008
♥ so this is the new year?
New Year's resolutions seem like kind of a waste of time to me. Who ever dropped sixty pounds and proclaimed, "It's all thanks to that resolution I made while in a drunken stupor at the beginning of January!"
I also don't like them because it usually means that my gym, which I hate, hate, HATE going to anyway, is wayyyy more crowded from January to February. I run into this problem every year, because I remember that I don't want to get doughy right around November. I think I have more right to be there, though, since I started first.
But what's really dumb about resolutions is that they're totally nebulous. Nobody ever sticks to them. So this year, rather than resolving to kick world hunger or learn to crochet, I've decided to stick to some slightly more doable resolutions.
1. Drink more water. Everyone needs to drink more water. I don't know anyone who drinks ten 8-ounce glasses of water a day. Plus, if I don't keep track and someone asks me about it, I can just be like "Yeah... At least it seems like I'm drinking more water, don't you think?" Foolproof.
2. Watch a lot of hockey. True, watching sports isn't necessarily good or bad for you, but I think that as an American (no, not Canadian, shut up) it's my obligation to have an in-depth understanding of at least one sport. Plus it seems like a good resolution to make, since I know I'll be watching lots of hockey anyway.
3. Graduate. Again, self-explanatory. Of course I'm going to graduate: I have enough credits as of this semester. I might as well throw it on this list so next May I can feel a little better about myself for having completed at least one resolution before the year is even half-over! Mission accomplished.
4. Find some new music to like. I like music. As long as I'm listening to it constantly, I guess I might as well broaden my horizons, branch out, see the world, etc. (If anyone has any brilliant ideas, feel free to help me out with this one.)
5. Continue to adore my idol, sun, moon, stars, air I breathe, etc., also known as JT. As long as he stays sexy, this shouldn't be a problem.
6. Read a book every month. That is twelve books in one year, which really isn't very many. Plus I'm counting books read for school. Cosmo just isn't intellectual enough for me these days.
7. Get a job. I was planning on it second semester, anyway. Now that I'm all applied to college and everything, I have considerably less to worry about, and at the top of that list is limited fundage. I'm scratching PetSmart and King Soop's off that list. Maybe somewhere a little more glamorous, this time.
8. Save a life. If you've known me for awhile, you've probably come to realize that I have quite the knack for rescuing stray dogs, especially on holidays. If no mutts come a'knocking this year, however, I'll settle for insects. Nobody likes a dead spider in their house. One trip outside and 8 is taken care of.
9. Make up for a shitty time at junior prom. Prom '07 was terrible, horrible, no good, very bad. In fact, it was just downright awful. Gross food, date I couldn't stand who wouldn't even take me out to dinner to avoid gross food, otherwise decent photos ruined by jerk date, yadda yadda yadda. This year, not only do I plan on attending with a date I can stand to look at, I'm also thinking of stepping the fun-factor up a notch by doing all those post-prom things you can do when you're 18.
10. Bring sexy back. How hard can it be?
I also don't like them because it usually means that my gym, which I hate, hate, HATE going to anyway, is wayyyy more crowded from January to February. I run into this problem every year, because I remember that I don't want to get doughy right around November. I think I have more right to be there, though, since I started first.
But what's really dumb about resolutions is that they're totally nebulous. Nobody ever sticks to them. So this year, rather than resolving to kick world hunger or learn to crochet, I've decided to stick to some slightly more doable resolutions.
1. Drink more water. Everyone needs to drink more water. I don't know anyone who drinks ten 8-ounce glasses of water a day. Plus, if I don't keep track and someone asks me about it, I can just be like "Yeah... At least it seems like I'm drinking more water, don't you think?" Foolproof.
2. Watch a lot of hockey. True, watching sports isn't necessarily good or bad for you, but I think that as an American (no, not Canadian, shut up) it's my obligation to have an in-depth understanding of at least one sport. Plus it seems like a good resolution to make, since I know I'll be watching lots of hockey anyway.
3. Graduate. Again, self-explanatory. Of course I'm going to graduate: I have enough credits as of this semester. I might as well throw it on this list so next May I can feel a little better about myself for having completed at least one resolution before the year is even half-over! Mission accomplished.
4. Find some new music to like. I like music. As long as I'm listening to it constantly, I guess I might as well broaden my horizons, branch out, see the world, etc. (If anyone has any brilliant ideas, feel free to help me out with this one.)
5. Continue to adore my idol, sun, moon, stars, air I breathe, etc., also known as JT. As long as he stays sexy, this shouldn't be a problem.
6. Read a book every month. That is twelve books in one year, which really isn't very many. Plus I'm counting books read for school. Cosmo just isn't intellectual enough for me these days.
7. Get a job. I was planning on it second semester, anyway. Now that I'm all applied to college and everything, I have considerably less to worry about, and at the top of that list is limited fundage. I'm scratching PetSmart and King Soop's off that list. Maybe somewhere a little more glamorous, this time.
8. Save a life. If you've known me for awhile, you've probably come to realize that I have quite the knack for rescuing stray dogs, especially on holidays. If no mutts come a'knocking this year, however, I'll settle for insects. Nobody likes a dead spider in their house. One trip outside and 8 is taken care of.
9. Make up for a shitty time at junior prom. Prom '07 was terrible, horrible, no good, very bad. In fact, it was just downright awful. Gross food, date I couldn't stand who wouldn't even take me out to dinner to avoid gross food, otherwise decent photos ruined by jerk date, yadda yadda yadda. This year, not only do I plan on attending with a date I can stand to look at, I'm also thinking of stepping the fun-factor up a notch by doing all those post-prom things you can do when you're 18.
10. Bring sexy back. How hard can it be?
1/01/2008
